avfc33 Posted April 26, 2008 Share Posted April 26, 2008 Infant School teacher in Toxteth asks the class who Billy says Stoke. Teacher asks why and Billy says "both my parents come from there and they support them so I do too". Teacher says u don't have to copy of ur parents- what would you do if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a burgler? Billy said I'd support Liverpool like the rest of you words removed! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted April 26, 2008 Share Posted April 26, 2008 A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.' The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. 'You are back so soon... Is there a problem?' the pastor inquired. 'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened. 'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayers, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts. Until one afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly. The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.' 'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Homebase either Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted April 26, 2008 Share Posted April 26, 2008 A Jewish student was doing well in school in all subjects except for math. So his parents decided to send him to a private Catholic school. While there, the boy came home from school and studied every day. At the end of the marking period, the boy got straight A's. So his parents asked him, "What motivated you to do so well in school?" He replied, "When I saw that guy nailed to a plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 Why does Rafa keep rotating his squad? To keep the robbers guessing who'll be at home on matchdays! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 What's the difference between Batman and a Scouser? Batman can go anywhere without Robin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hycus-flange Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 Josef Fritzel Ltd, cellar conversions and soundproofing specialist, family business, est 25 years Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
World_Domination Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 A man walks into a petrol station and says "Can I please have a kitkat chunky". The lady behind the till gets him a kitkat chunky and brings it back to him. "No" says the man. "I wanted a normal kitkat you fat bitch" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
World_Domination Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a shit." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
World_Domination Posted April 30, 2008 Share Posted April 30, 2008 Why wasn't Didier Drogba invited to Frank Lampard's mothers funeral?? Because He Would Dive In The Box !! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted May 1, 2008 Moderator Share Posted May 1, 2008 Austrian police have said that Josef Fritzl has been improving as a father of late. In fact police have said that he has really been coming into his own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted May 1, 2008 Share Posted May 1, 2008 I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a shit." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted May 1, 2008 Share Posted May 1, 2008 an Austrian journalist asked a neighbour how long he had known Joseph Frittzles daughter Alice Alice? who the **** is Alice? you mean, for twenty four years Ive been living next door to Alice? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted May 1, 2008 Share Posted May 1, 2008 How can you tell when your girlfriend is too young? When you make aeroplane sounds before you stick your cock in her mouth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted May 1, 2008 Share Posted May 1, 2008 A newly married couple are laid back resting after having a non-stop shagging session throughout the night. He's laid there smoking a cigarette while his new Thai wife is playfully stroking his cock. "Are you trying to get me hard yet again honey?" he said. "No, I'm just missing mine" she replied. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
World_Domination Posted May 1, 2008 Share Posted May 1, 2008 What have LEEDS and DERBY got in common? Neither deserve to get 15 points Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted May 4, 2008 Share Posted May 4, 2008 ****************************WARNING, DON'T READ THIS JOKE IF YOU'RE EASILY OFFENDED *************************** What's the difference between a train carriage and a miscarriage? You can't eat a train carriage. *********************************************BUT THE ONE BELOW IS FINE ****************************************************** What's brown and sticky? A Stick What's brown and runny? Dwain Chambers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Rev Posted May 4, 2008 Share Posted May 4, 2008 A man walks into a petrol station and says "Can I please have a kitkat chunky". The lady behind the till gets him a kitkat chunky and brings it back to him. "No" says the man. "I wanted a normal kitkat you fat bitch" The "you fat bitch" ruins that joke. You shouldnt need to include a qualifier so that stupid people get the punchline. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted May 4, 2008 Moderator Share Posted May 4, 2008 And here ends humour 101 (he's right though) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted May 8, 2008 Share Posted May 8, 2008 "Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter. The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?" "If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?" demanded the Irishman indignantly. "Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?" Then, warming to his theme, he went on: "Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?" "Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya? Would ya?" The assistant said: "Well, no." Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear. "And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was French?" "What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?" "Well no, I probably wouldn't" conceded the assistant. So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?" The assistant replied: "Because you're in a hardware store you dick head" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
World_Domination Posted May 8, 2008 Share Posted May 8, 2008 A man walks into a petrol station and says "Can I please have a kitkat chunky". The lady behind the till gets him a kitkat chunky and brings it back to him. "No" says the man. "I wanted a normal kitkat you fat bitch" The "you fat bitch" ruins that joke. You shouldnt need to include a qualifier so that stupid people get the punchline. but I'd never dare call someone I dont know ( and proberly anyone I do know ) "a fat bitch" ...so it has shock value as well as being a clever play on words. could depend on the person your telling it to I guess. Women dont want to hear mens' opinions, they want to hear their own opinions but in a deeper voice. What's the population of Austria? About twice as many as you'd think Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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