markavfc40 Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 Brian the agony aunt one is a classic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up. Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pyjamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. No sooner than she flopped down in front of the TV, her door bell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, "**** hell, I'm two hours late and you're STILL not ready?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 Council tax re-values want to charge us more if we live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas. We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing. Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet. All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay, and no-one is still sure. Two grandsons are meant to be in the army but are always seen out in nightclubs. The family's odd antics are always in the papers; they are out of control. Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowychap Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 Council tax re-values want to charge us more if we live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas. We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing. Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet. All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay, and no-one is still sure. Two grandsons are meant to be in the army but are always seen out in nightclubs. The family's odd antics are always in the papers; they are out of control. Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle? That's what unfettered immigration gives you though. Bloody Germans. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. Being a New York lawyer, he thinks that he's smarter than the deputy and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense. Deputy says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted January 30, 2008 Moderator Share Posted January 30, 2008 :shock: A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing." The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. "Then it was just a matter of switching the heads" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted January 30, 2008 Moderator Share Posted January 30, 2008 Two Nuns are cycling to church when they take a short-cut down a cobble-stone street, "I've never come this way before" says sister Mary Sister Sarah replies "Neither have I, Must be the Cobbles"! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic plod shouted to me, "Oi whats your disability?" I said "Tourettes, you **** word removed!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 Women eh? Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise. But they wont take it up the arse because it 'hurts' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Please give just a small donation and we will send you the video, it's **** hilarious! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 I bumped into my ex-girlfriend in a bar. "I had sex with another woman last night," I told her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time." "You miss me that much?" she asked. "No," I said. "But it kept me from coming too fast." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 irishman, Australian and a scouser are sat in a pub when Jesus walks in. All 3 are amazed and quickly order him a drink. When finished, jesus walks over to them and first approaches the Irishman. shaking his hand, Jesus says " thank you my son for the Guiness, very enjoyable "...to his amazement the Irishman realises his arthritic hand is cured " fantastic " he shouts. Jesus approaches the Aussie and too shakes his hand " thank you for the Fosters my son, a lovely drink "...and again, to the Aussie's amazement, he notices his withered hand is completely normal " strewth, great " he shouts... Then Jesus approaches the scouser....who makes a run for it " **** off ", he shouts " i'm on invalidity benefit ! !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted January 30, 2008 Moderator Share Posted January 30, 2008 /\ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 A woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing my husband! All he wants is anal sex and my anus is now the size of a £2 coin when it used to be the size of a 20 pence piece!" Mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get £2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 holidays a year and you want to throw all that away for one pound eighty?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 At a bar, a drunk says to a girl, "Excuse me but I think you owe me a drink." "Why?" "You're so **** ugly that I dropped mine when I saw you." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juju Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 Why is George Michael like a Wellington boot? Both likely to get sucked off in bogs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 Why is it called the wonder bra? Cuz when u take it off, u wonder where the tits went Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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