WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[zippy178]

Perhaps this is a bit tasteless, and please don't shout at me for it

but

What is the difference between a joke and Madeleine McCann?

A joke can get old.

[paulanddonya]

Velcro - what a rip-off !!!

[Guest]

Perhaps this is a bit tasteless, and please don't shout at me for it

but

What is the difference between a joke and Madeleine McCann?

A joke can get old.

I've heard worse than that, but have refused to post in case of upsetting one or two people on here.

Who invented football?

Jesus Christ. He went up for the cross but got nailed by two defenders.

[rjw63]

Who invented football?

Herbert Ellis

[B6 to E6]

I was in the supermarket the other day, doing the weekly.

I was in the bread isle and stopped and gave my mate a ring.

"Mate, I've just seen your name on a loaf of bread....Oh hang on, sorry it just says Thick Cut."

[Ikantcpell]

What's the diffrence between your wife and your job ?

After 10 years the job still sucks

[rjw63]

You Might Be A Part Of The Taliban If...

...You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

...You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.

...You have more wives than teeth.

...You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

...You've ever opened a can of falafel with a mortar round.

...You used a Stinger missile given to you by George Bush Sr. to shoot at a helicopter sent by George Bush Jr.

...You’ve ever had your camel repossessed.

...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.

...You’ve ever been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look fat?"

...You’ve felt the urge to rub one out after seeing a woman’s exposed ankle.

...You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

...You’ve ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you’ve done with your cave."

...You wipe your asswith your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

[Ikantcpell]

You Might Be A Part Of The Taliban If...

...You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

...You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.

...You have more wives than teeth.

...You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

...You've ever opened a can of falafel with a mortar round.

...You used a Stinger missile given to you by George Bush Sr. to shoot at a helicopter sent by George Bush Jr.

...You’ve ever had your camel repossessed.

...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.

...You’ve ever been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look fat?"

...You’ve felt the urge to rub one out after seeing a woman’s exposed ankle.

...You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

...You’ve ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you’ve done with your cave."

...You wipe your asswith your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

This made me lol

[DrinkupChaCha]

The liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is impressed and arranges for him to come over to sign.

Two weeks later the 'pool are 4-0 down to man'ure with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for liverpool! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in english football.

"Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me. It's wonderful!"

" Wonderful?! " says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day.

Your father got shot and robbed in the street, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother was beheaded by masked men, all while you were having such a wonderful time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!! Sorry?!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to liverpool in the first place!"

Quality!!

[Ikantcpell]

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said "One."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"£101 237.64" The Aussie replied.

The manager choked and exclaimed £101 237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?".

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said........."Well, since your weekend's f*cked, you might as well go fishing!""

[Ikantcpell]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their Daughter's' date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be

when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."

[acwilliams]

What do lesbians do when they are on their periods???

Finger paint.

[BOF]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their Daughter's' date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be

when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."

Jesus

[maqroll]

A piano player goes down the Hotel to audition for the "Jazz Lounge" pianoman job. He is greeted by the manager and asked to perfrom a couple of original songs. The Pianoman obliges, tickling the ivories with gleeful abandon until the last chords echo within the empty lounge. The manager is amazed and says: "That was wonderful, what do you call it?" The Pianoman replies, "Oh, that song's called "Wrap Your Mouth Around My Cock."

Puzzled, the manager asks him to play another tune. More glorious soundwaves emanate from the hotel's grand piano, and it's obvious he's got the job. "What do you call THAT song?" asked the manager. "Bend Over and Take a Pounding." The manger pulls the Pianoman aside and says, "Look, your material is great, we want to hire you, but you just have to change the song titles."

After a moments hesitation, the Pianoman says "No problem...when do I start?" "Tonight."

Later that night, the Pianoman has the crowd enraptured with his powerful jazzy music. After one particular song, a busty young brunette approaches him and suggests they meet outside in her car after he finishes his set. "Okay", he says, "But I've only got a 10 minute break."

His break comes, and he dashes out to meet the hot brunette in her car. "C'mon in" she says, as she kicks the door open for him. Within a second, they are commiting sexual acts of every imaginable type, and beyond. Lost in the delirium of passionate sex, the Pianoman remembers he needs to get back on the piano.

As he's shuffling back to the hotel, he's stopped by a patron. "Buddy, do you know your cock is hanging out and you're pretty disgusting?" The Pianoman replies, "Know 'em? I WROTE 'em!"

[rjw63]

A man comes home early from work one day to find his best mate in bed with his wife. Overcome by anger he stabs him to death.

The wife, shaking her head, looks at him and says "Keep that up and pretty soon you'll have no friends left!"

[maqroll]

Two guys are out drinking at a pub. One the guys has had so much he vomits, and some vomit gets on his shirt. He says, "Shit, my wife told me if I come home with vomit on my shirt again, she'll leave me."

"No problem,", says his friend. "Just tuck a $10 bill in your shirt pocket, and tell her some guy threw up on you and gave you the money for the cleaners."

The drunken bastard gets home and his wife meets him at the door. When she sees the vomit on his shirt she says "That's it, I'm leaving you."

"Honey", he says. "You don't understand. Someone else threw up on me, and gave me this $10 bill, see?"

"Well what's the other $10 bill you have there for?"

"Oh, that's from the guy who pissed my pants."

[RuberyVilla]

7 Englishman and 1 Irishman are in a id parade for a suspected rape, the woman is led in to id them and the Irishman shouts "that her the miserable ****"

[BOF]

What has anal sex and spinach got in common?

If you were forced to have it as a child, chances are you wont like it as an adult.

[Ikantcpell]

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to t ell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her ;wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him, "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose ?" she asked.

That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

[Ikantcpell]

A Welshman, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Welshman took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Welshman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

"could you take the dog for a walk?"