WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[dont_do_it_doug.]

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.

"Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the ' There's no Santa' speech.

At 7, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

When I was 8, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech.

Think you missed the punchline off that one Lancs......

[paddy]

I'm not sure if this one has been on here before but it's a favourite of mine, if in extremely bad taste...

What's Eric Clapton's favourite chord?

A flat minor

[NibblyPig]

one word:

ouch!

[NibblyPig]

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.

"Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the ' There's no Santa' speech.

At 7, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

When I was 8, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech.

Think you missed the punchline off that one Lancs......

and for those of you dying to know, it is:

"If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

[Guest]

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

[Guest RantinRob]

I could see that coming...................as the pussy said to the cock

[Guest]

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

[Villaninireland]

Old woman is on the phone to her doctor. " Doc I am going to shoot myself. Where on the body is my heart ?" Doc says "Put the gun under your left tit and shoot".The woman was found knee capped.

two tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanhydawellynafolybarcupidrindanmabitchsyhaffy they stopped for lunch and asked the waitress "Before we order can you settle an arguement for us? Could you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The waitress leaned over and said " Buuurrr gurrr kinnng !"

[thecraft]

1. What do you call a chav in a box? Innit.

2. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted

3. What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it? Safe.

4. What do you call an Eskimo chav? Innuinnit.

5. Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's

great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit? The bride.

7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you

try not to hit him? It might be your bike.

8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut? One's thick

and hairy, the other's a coconut.

9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night? What you

lookin' at?"

10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box? Paint three stripes

on it.

11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving? The

police

12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's? A liar.

13. What do you say to a chav with a job? Can I have a big mac

please

14. What do you say to a chav in a suit? Will the defendant please

stand

15. What do u call a knife in chaville? Exhibit A

16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame? A Nova

seats 4

17. What do you call a 30 year old chavette? Granny.

18. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb? One,

they'll screw anything.

19. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river? A start.

20. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor? None, "That's

some uvver bleeders job innit."

21. Why did the chav take a shower? He didn't mean to, he just

forgot to close the Nova's window in the car wash

22. Why did the Chav cross the road? To start a fight with a

random stranger for no reason whatsoever.

[Guest]

16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame? A Nova

seats 4

Bwaaahahahaha

[Craigyh74]

A man went into a Clock repair shop, unzipped his fly and flopped his penis onto the counter.

The woman assistant is shocked "I'm sorry sir, this is a Clock repair shop, not a Cock repair shop"

he says "yeah, I know, but I want a face and two hands put on it"

*************************************************************

3 kids got really low grades in their sex education test, they were discussing ways to get 'back' at their teacher.

First Kid (who got a D+)"I'm gonna grab her and throw her on the ground"

2nd Kid (who got a D-) "Yeah, then I'm gonna rip her panties off"

3rd Kid (who got a F) "Yeah good idea, then I'll kick her in the balls!!"

*************************************************************

Q. What did Snow White say to Pinnochio while sitting on his face?

A. "Lie Pinnochio, lie!"

[LancsVillan]

Sadly, Tony was born without ears, and though he proved to be

successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly.

One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he

set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know

and was very interesting, but at the end of the interview, Tony asked him,

"Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears,"

came the reply.

Tony did not appreciate his honesty and threw him out of the

office.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better

than the first guy. But he asked her the same question:

"Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."

Tony again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. Mr.

Patel. He was a young Indian man who had recently earned his MBA. He was

smart, he was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the

first two put together.

Tony was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the

same question:

"Do you notice anything different about me?"

Much to his surprise, the young man answered,

"Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"

Tony was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant

person.

"How in the world did you know that?", he asked.

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and

replied,

"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!!"

[LancsVillan]

The Little Old Lady

Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the

night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front

porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on

the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney: Did you know him?

Lit tle Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert

died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I

haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney: Wh at happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just

laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defence Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's

when I shot him, the little bastard!

[LancsVillan]

Subject: A Fisherman's Tale....good one....

A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to

the counter.

The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the

counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound

it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel

and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale

this week for #44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it

dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the

blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted. The man rings up the

sale and says, "That'll be #58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was

on sale for #44. How did you get to #58.50?"

He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are #44, but the Duck Caller is #11

and the Fish Bait is #3.50."

[thecraft]

The Horse Race

The Line up:

In lane 1. Passionate Lady

In lane 2. Bare Belly

In lane 3. Silk Panties

In lane 4. Conscience

In lane 5. Jockey Shorts

In lane 6. Clean Sheets

In lane 7. Thighs

In lane 8. Big Dick

In lane 9. Heavy Bosom

In lane 10. Merry Cherry

AND THEY'RE OFF!!!

Conscience is left behind at the gate.

Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.

Heavy Bosom is being pressured.

Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and

Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.

AT THE HALFWAY MARK:

It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and

Big Dick is pushing in.

Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

AT THE STRETCH:

Merry Cherry pops under the strain.

Bare Belly is making a final push.

Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

AT THE FINISH:

Its Big Dick giving everything he's got and

Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer.

It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes

through with one final thrust and wins by a head...

Bare Belly slows,

Thighs weakens,

Heavy Bosom pulls up,

and Clean Sheets never had a chance.

[LancsVillan]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but

knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the

newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided

to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house

than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot

about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing

very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You

have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into

town an kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. two o'clock and no hired

hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found

the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting

for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she

directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by

her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her

eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told

and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly

pulled them down and off.

and...

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town

again, you're fired."

[LancsVillan]

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet

dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund started chasing

butterflies into the jungle, and before long he was lost.

Wandering about, he saw a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the

obvious intention of having lunch. "I'm in deep trouble now!" the dachshund

thought. Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and settled down

to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dachshund exclaimed loudly, "Boy,

that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?

"Hearing this, the leopard halted his attack in mid-stride, terrified, and

slunk away into the jungle. "Whew," said the leopard., "That was close. That

dachshund nearly got me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby

tree, figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it to the

leopard for protection. So off he went after the leopard with great speed.

But the dachshund saw where he was heading and figured what he must be up

to. The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans and struck

a deal for himself. The leopard was furious at being made a fool of and

said, "Here monkey, hop on my back and watch what happens to that conniving

canine."

Now the dachshund saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and

thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sat

down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hadn't seen them. And

when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund said, "Where's that

monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

[LancsVillan]

An old, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday

evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he

was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked

through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something

very special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and

brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the

jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled

with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man

stated,by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll

write

it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick

the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I

had?"

[Villaninireland]

Husband comes home with a duck under his arm and declares "This is the pig I've been shagging" Wife replies "Thats a duck" He says "I know I was talking to the duck"

[NibblyPig]

Husband comes home with a duck under his arm and declares "This is the pig I've been shagging" Wife replies "Thats a duck" He says "I know I was talking to the duck"

Brilliant

I shall pass that off as my own at some future point in time