LancsVillan

I think he would be a great signing. Big, strong, good finisher, is now proven in the premiership. One slight problem - heard on the radio today that he says he will stay with Norwich if they get relegated. hmm can't help thinking back to last season and ........ Jon Stead

ligs not saying they don't count but when you compare strikers I feel you need to look at goals from open play, it is those that striker should be getting

yeah lets take both of JPA's pens off his total last season and Shearer's 7 Pens and 4 free kicks! and yes it should be all strikers need chances

cannot be bothered looking myself but Joe go on tell us exactly which class strikers are getting 20 goals EVERY season Now discount those that play in the Arse and Man Utd teams leaving hmm maybe Hasselbaink, how many has he got this season Shearer - take away the pens and free-kicks and ............ no strikers need chances and we simply don't create enough

The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write to us? Not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad... I became a prostitute..." "WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! You little tramp! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family. I don't ever want to see you again!" "OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for #5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...and an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and...." "Now what was it you said you had become?" said Dad. Girl crying again, "Sniff, sniff...a prostitute Dad!..Sniff, sniff" "Oh, be Jaysus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant!! Come here and give your old man a hug!"

Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely different meaning to parents in a family... AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again. BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too. DEFENCE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside. DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins. DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster. FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him. GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labour is still vivid. INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it. OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings. PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own. PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms. PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes. SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours. STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything. TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children. THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed. TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pyjamas. TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. VERBAL: able to whine in words. WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out. WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house. WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".

excellent Rev

and the boggies are winning hands down

An old, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund started chasing butterflies into the jungle, and before long he was lost. Wandering about, he saw a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. "I'm in deep trouble now!" the dachshund thought. Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dachshund exclaimed loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here? "Hearing this, the leopard halted his attack in mid-stride, terrified, and slunk away into the jungle. "Whew," said the leopard., "That was close. That dachshund nearly got me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it to the leopard for protection. So off he went after the leopard with great speed. But the dachshund saw where he was heading and figured what he must be up to. The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans and struck a deal for himself. The leopard was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here monkey, hop on my back and watch what happens to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sat down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hadn't seen them. And when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund said, "Where's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. and... Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

It is more of a joke that we used to sign those players that played well against us OR goal scoring midfielders that suddenly stop. Of course Rooney would have been a good buy but at that price - NEVER

so we'll sign greening as he had the desire in the heat of a derby :roll:

Hmm sell a good player to buy a mediocre moody sod who keeps getting moved on...........

Subject: A Fisherman's Tale....good one.... A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for #44." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be #58.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for #44. How did you get to #58.50?" He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are #44, but the Duck Caller is #11 and the Fish Bait is #3.50."

The Little Old Lady Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defence Attorney: Did you know him? Lit tle Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defence Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defence Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defence Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defence Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defence Attorney: Wh at happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!" Defence Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!

Sadly, Tony was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting, but at the end of the interview, Tony asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply. Tony did not appreciate his honesty and threw him out of the office. The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears." Tony again got upset and chucked her out in a rage. The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. Mr. Patel. He was a young Indian man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart, he was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Tony was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" Tony was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked. The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!!"

McNaught v Regis Todd v Stanley the dogger Stanley the Dogger v Stan the left back

Olly v Ljungberg 2 I want to see

until someone moves it eh Risso

october 66

don't get it up here but it was shite when I lived in redditch 20plus years ago

sorry cannot be alllowed due to inflammatory nature of material. McGrath I understand the link but HDE OBE hasn't killed anyone, just their dreams LOCKED

QUICK-THINKING KIDS Kids in school think quickly ....and will make you laugh as long as they aren't yours! TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA : Here it is! TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS : Maria! ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank? FRANK : Because of the sign. TEACHER : What sign? FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : John, why are you doing your multiplication on the floor? JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables! ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?" GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" TEACHER : No, that's wrong GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it! ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD : H I J K L M N O!! TEACHER : What are you talking about? DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O! ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE : Me! ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty? GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I." MILLIE : I is... TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am." MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE? TINO : Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time." ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?" LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand. ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ___________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!; __________________________________________________________ TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD : A teacher.

plus doing the others is stooping to their level it's just another game for three points and as WE WILL WIN it is a mere stepping stone on our march to 7th (which as it is one place higher than our 'average' is great :evil: and UEFA cup glory next season