LancsVillan

superb spot back to the days of signing players from below us oops Sorenson and Gav were too

you cannot miss an opportunity to mention her can you :-)

Guy walks into a bar with his octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus and "He can play any musical instrument in the world." Everyone in the bar laughs at the man and generally reckon he's an idiot. At that the guy announces that he will wager £50 to anyone that the octupus can play any instrument that they care to provide. Immediately a challenger walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus who picks it up and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. In amazement the guitar man pays up his £50. Another man walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. This guy also pays up his £50. At this point a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with the instrument for a minute and then sits down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae play it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to f**k it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off!"

A man was standing next in line at a checkout, when the attractive blonde woman in front of him turned around and gave him a big smile. "Hello," she said, as she waited for her change. "Er, I'm sorry. Do I know you?" The man said in some confusion. "Oh, my mistake. I thought you were the father of one of my children," she said apologetically, and picking up her shopping, she left the store. The man was astonished. He thought, "How amazing that a good looking woman like that should have forgotten who fathered her children." Then he began to worry. He had had an encounter in his youth that could have resulted in a child he didn't know about. She had been blonde, pretty, and about the same height. On leaving the store, he saw the woman getting into her car. He ran over to her and said, "Look, you couldn't have been the girl I met that night at a party in Hampstead, in 1980 could you? We sh@gged on the billiards table in front of everyone, things got really wild and I got so drunk that I didn't get your number." The woman looked utterly outraged and said, "No! I'm your son's English teacher."

Two extremely rich and keen Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt for moose. They bagged six on the trip, but as they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said that due to the weight, they could take only a total four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had exactly the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off. Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy turned to Seamus and asked, "Have you any idea where we are?" "Bejasus, I don't believe it, but I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

The Daily Telegraph recently conducted a poll of male readers to see what exactly each enjoyed from a blow job. Seven per cent said they most enjoyed the sensations. Five per cent confessed their chief enjoyment came from the sense of domination. Eighty eight per cent said they really enjoyed the peace and quiet.

the one at Sunderland who scored 15 goals last season, think they'll want to keep him or did you mean Stuart Elliot at Hull ;-)

hmm Distin-ed to VP (or COMS) from bbc

agree BOF personally I prefer Philips to Bellamy, in fact I prefer a Philips TV standing on the halfway line to Bellamy being at VP

she was after running away from drat for weeks

yeah good idea - for the next window BW Unless simon can do something this time, not sure he even looks at this I'll ask him in private

isn't that the VW where the fin came up at around 50Mph

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

A woman brought her pet Duck Cuddles who was very limp into her veterinary surgeon's clinic. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up onto the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, a onehundred percent certifiably certainty that this is a dead duck." The vet then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150 !!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!" "The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20 but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan - it's now £150.00.

have made the poll run for 14 days onlt. that way we can see how we feel we will do at differnet stages of the summer. Y'know should we sign any other players

we don't know yet do we..... I expect not as DOL wants Cahill to go on loan for another year and Gabi is thought of as requiring further reserve experience. Possibly another for a loan...

On the day of the wedding, Camilla was getting dressed, surrounded by all Her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic! Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her Wedding so she lent them to Camilla for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over her feet were in agony. When she and Charles withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think Of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Charles say 'God; that was tight.' 'There,' whispered The Queen. 'I told you with a face like that she had to be a virgin!' Then, to their surprise, they heard Charles say. 'Right. Now for the other one. 'Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Charles said 'My God, that was even tighter!" 'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor!

we watched Bowditch a fair bit last season and it was around that time when DOL said he wasn't interested in Bent IIRC

some Peter Kay I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem? When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder. Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way. My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade. Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.' If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat? I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I really doubt Aimar knows of the club called Aston Villa, seriously seeing how one his former colleagues and one of 'The Magic Trio' plays for us I think he will

I know I've just posted conflicting things about South Americans and here's another we should at least try to get D'Alessandro - I know we've been going on about him on here for ages but it seems he is looking to move to the Premier League, but with Spuds. Surely we should get involved. Spuds have signed about 243 players in 12 months...

Saviola - yes please as for the Colombians there were a couple that looked good but we have enough South Americans now due to the quota and also losing them for WC games

well tba that does look like a nice formation but does JPA work up front on his own?

smicer is going to france and baros - althought constantly rumoured to be on his way to vp - is headed for valencia which I reckon will mean aimar at liverpool

Terry as I didn't like the other one