LancsVillan

what a poultry effort at humour! it seems he regularly makes a tit of himself usually after drinking some kestrel in the Golden Eagle and then tries to rhea the missus

hmm good point what plonker the guy setting this was wonder if he'll add it

PM ^^^ :roll:

quote me in a response and the quote brings the site up between the things

so you're also known as highland then Seth?

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates. The third man ! started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carols".

we know ;-)

oh my god vegetables / quorn are winning - thats a surprise well they are for now until the cavement return from their hard days graftingor in the case of some simply log on again after picking the kids up or looking some papers with numbers on them ;-)

Drat asked so chew on this.......

Two guys both have 9:00 a.m appointments at a vasectomy clinic. A nurse greets them and tells them she has to prep them for surgery and takes them to a private room. She tells the first guy to take off his clothes and sit on an exam table, which he does. She then takes his manhood in one hand, and begins to masturbate him. "Whoa!" he says, "What's going on?" She replies that it is all standard procedure, and that she has to ensure that he has no blockages. The guy thinks, "How bad can it be?" So he agrees and allows the nurse to finish her task. Once done, the nurse tells him to go sit down, and repeats the instructions to the second guy. When he is up on the exam table, the nurse gets a big smile on her face, licks her lips, and begins to perform a blow job on him. Upon seeing this, the first guy says, "Hey, what's this? I get jerked off,and he gets a blow job. That's not fair." The nurse looks up at the first guy and says, "Sorry,mate. That's the difference between NHS and BUPA."

A young boy goes up to his dad and asks "Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically?" "Well son," says the boys father "ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds, then ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds, then come and tell me what you've learned." So the boy asks his mother and she says "Oh yes, I'd be crazy to pass up an opportunity like that." Then the boy asks his sister and she says "Brad Pitt? I'd sleep with him for free. The million pounds would be the icing on the cake." The boy mulls this over for a few days and then goes to see his father. "So son," says his father "what have you learned?" "Well, potentially we're sitting on two million quid but realistically we're living with a pair of slappers." "That's my boy!"

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire." The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

only one winner for me

A rich white man in North Carolina decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only black guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its a*s! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?" Leroy said, "I want the name of the muthafucka who pushed me in the pool."

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." Mr. Whiting replied, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show my passport" "Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the French custom officer a long hard look. Then he quietly explained: "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any fecking Frenchmen to show it to!"

Q. What do you call a Chav in a box? A. Innit. Q. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet? A. Sorted. Q. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it? A. Safe. Q. What do you call an Eskimo Chav? A. Innuinnit. Q. Why are Chavs like slinkies? A. They have no real use but it's great to watch one tumble down a flight of stairs. Q. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit? A. The bride. Q. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night? A. "What you lookin' at?" Q. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box? A. Paint three stripes on it. Q. Two chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving? A. The police.

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Mom, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice even with all his piercing, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing, it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card which is in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

well for me he is keeping his head above water and you forgot to add in Olly who also seems to be above criticism yet he playing equally as poorly as JPA at the moment. And that's the crux of it when our two, widely recognised, best players are off-form it shows

not at all Denis just I think that the reaction to the defeat on Saturday has been totally over the top. The criticism is all well and good until it is not based on his performance on the pitch which some have alluded to. As for sacrilege to have an opinion about players and whether they should be in the team or not of course not where do you think you are ;-)

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one. The patient replies: "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race, Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm." Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds: "Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit." Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant, "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle." Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

where's the option for will be made the scapegoat of the week on VT, moreso if you happen to be our leading scorer for two of the last three seasons?

no it was from the deadball line and SWP stood where he did all game 30 yards out to pick up any scraps so as GB was on the deadball line I cannot blame him for not getting back on that one then again SWP does that all the time, every game so we should have known about it

This bloke's in bed with his missus when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half three in the morning. Sod that for a game of soldiers, he thinks, and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife, so he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and this bloke is stood outside. "'Ere mate" says the stranger, "can you give us a push?" "No, Sod off. It's half three in the morning and I was in bed asleep," says the man and shuts the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, how could you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to sod off?" So he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, "Eh mate, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please, mate." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The reply comes: "I'm over here on the swings."