LancsVillan

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated that hurricanes at one time were all given feminine names and that ships and planes are usually referred to as "she." One of the students raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" Not having a ready answer, the teacher divided the class into two groups, males in one and females in the other, and asked each group to decide whether a computer should be considered masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be considered masculine because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. ------------------------------------------------------- The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should be considered feminine because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

things a woman can't do...apparently... 1/ Know anything about a car except its colour 2/ Understand a film plot 3/ Go 24 hours without sending a text message 4/ Lift 5/ Throw 6/ Run 7/ Park 8/ Read a map 9/ Rob a bank 10/ Sit still 11/ Tell a joke 12/ Play pool 13/ Pay for dinner 14/ Eat a kebab while walking 15/ Argue without shouting 16/ Get told off without crying 17/ Understand fruit machines 18/ Walk past a shoe shop 19/ Make a decent bacon sandwich 20/ Not comment on strangers clothes 21/ Use small amounts of toilet paper 22/ Let you sleep with a hang over 23/ Drink a pint gracefully 24/ Get a round in 25/ Throw a punch 26/ Do magic 27/ Like your friends 28/ Eat a real hot curry 29/ Get to the point 30/ Buy plain envelopes 31/ Take less than 20 minutes in the toilet 32/ Sit in a room for 5 minutes without saying " I'm Cold " 33/ Go shopping without telephoning 20 friends 34/ Avoid credit card debt 35/ Dive into a pool 36/ Assemble furniture 37/ Set a video recorder 38/ Not try change you 39/ Watch a war film 40/ Understand why flirting results in violence 41/ Spend a day by themselves 42/ Go to the toilet by themselves 43/ Buy a purse that fits in your pocket 44/ Choose a video quickly 45/ Fart 46/ Get this far without having argued with at least 1 of the above

Letter form Home Office! A letter from the Home Office (London, UK), to the People of America: To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often. 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize". 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs. 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day". 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself. 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. 13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it). 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation.

http://www.agri0013926.agriplus.net/error/

Colewell judging by the comments of others we have to condemn Carlton to the reserves or bench forever because he is a Chelsea player who was interviewed and said nothing wrong. We seem to have ignored the fact that since that interview he said he wanted to stay at Villa full-time. My other thoughts on his current mind set are in another thread here Here and were confirmed with Kezman scoring last night Angel FFS I've seen him labelled a one-season owonder in threads yesterday/today :oops: Yet for me still the best forward player at the club Luke The second coming let's stick him in against to find out, personally I like the way he is being brought in for 15 - 20 mins in the Prem (one thing was I would have started him Tuesday) Gabi Why not - greater pace than either of the other three and Evernot are not pacey at the back Oh and I voted for ...... nothing as it doesn't matter as I reckon DOL has to go with JPA /CC

met God at petrol stations twice on the way home from matches, great man asked if we'd enjoyed the game, where we came from and were we mad

hmm ahamaad you need to sort the options out mate for me McGrath easily at present, now who saw that ability and turned him around?

hey Risso he's talkng about us, you hold him I'll go for the pies

bet he's not too happy at the moment, good foil for JPA ;-)

Cole - greater potential, links play better Beattie - over-priced at that valuation ( I reckon we'll be offered him for £6m in Jan) Cole for me...............

best and most important are not the same thing need to separate it Best for me JPA as he wins us most games Most important would be very much a toss up between Olof and Gav note tho that all three are the spine of the team

This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race. A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot. One day Willie Brunsden and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. "You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house." "My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?" The little girl thought for a moment and said, "I think so. Provided those c*nts at Jewson deliver the f**king bricks.

This was apparently in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best Come Back Line Ever." In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it,and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience Until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "That was an unusual situation,that's for sure,"said officer Taylor." I walked up to Lawrence and he's...just pumping away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir , but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?". " He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, .... "A pumpkin? F*ck me, is it midnight already?"

well if it was a wasted talent it must be our now infamous dogger no paddy not you don't get all excited

cannot believe this poll is so close

well as I couldn't vote both I went for someone else for my money I would go for Noy - Gav - Lee and GB bri - forget the hits assists he hasn't even looked like one and as for those 35 yarders at the moment they wouldn't travel that far

I see this as potentially more damaging to him, surely this wily old fox won't use such a see-through defence? why not he's used it before on numerous occasions and that's the thing with wily old foxes - lemmings and muppets are scared of them

good question I thought it would have been archived by now must say I enjoyed the crunchie at North Greenwich tube last night bargain at 50p

BT will not go to Liverplop he aint Spanish BT will not go to ManUre - simply would not fit with RVN

in a flash of inspiratin I worked out what was wrong with the board and just looked at how far down this board the joke thread had fallen so A bloke walks into a bar with a crocodile. Predictably, most of the patrons scarper and the barman complains. But the owner of the croc says, "No worries, mate, watch this." Picking up a bottle, he smashes it over the croc's head. No reaction, other than a wag of the head. The bloke then gets his cock out and puts it in the croc's mouth, but again the croc just wags its head. Then a fellow punter asks if he can try it. "Help yourself, mate," says the owner. The punter proceeds to smash a bottle over the croc's head and then put his cock in its mouth. The croc just gives its usual response. Word spreads and several blokes try it. Then an old biddy walks up for a go. "Can I just make one request, though?" she asks the owner. "Ask away, " he replies. "Don't hit me so hard with the bottle."

Not one player will be signed at £6m or more

JPA you got the answer JPA t othat and said the real JPA hasn't scored over seasons yet he has, except for the GT Mk2 debacle. Also on the above point I would rather .... come on fingers work..... you know you can ...... ForSale than Beattie as he is a better scorer than Beattie as is JFH and probably Veruca as well not looking too good IMO that bit is it?

Neither as for that much money we have a different requirement. Unless JPA is going to be out longer than we heard originally. Would rather look at a creative midfielder as CC/ DV / MA / LM are sufficient to cover for a week or two. IF this is one of those you must make a vote type things it would be Yakubu as I reckon Beattie has been found out and is on the way down

^^ no but one of the chelsea could be them or redscouse