LancsVillan

Allback for the goal v sunderland

where's the option for "His resignation letter"

don't need to have a winner like that - British politics works the same way :-)

I'll change my vote IF/ when he comes through on the signed photo for Aston ;-)

can the 'other' voters come on and specify please? oh mine will be surprise to you - JPA

I take it you mean favourite regardless of how they are playing, otherwise this is simply a player of the year. As an example my Favourite once was Alex Cropley and nothing changed that, no matter how badly he played he was still my 'favourite'

everybody i know who has a dog usually calls him rover or spot. i called mine..... sex. now sex has been very embarrassing for me. i went to the city hall to renew the dog's license. i said, " i want a license for sex." he said, "i would like one too!" "she's a dog!" i said. he told me he didn't care what she looked like. "but you don't understand. i've had sex since i was nine years old!" when i got married, i told the vicar i'd like to have sex at the wedding... he told me to wait until the ceremony was over. i told him that ecerbody would love having sex at the wedding. my family were barred from the church from then on. when we went on our honeymoon, i booked us into a hotel. i told the clerk that i wanted a room for us and a special room for sex. he told me that every room in the hotel was for sex! "you don't understand, sex keeps me awake at night!" one day, i entered sex in a contest. but, before it began, sex ran away. another contestant asked what i was looking for. i said i hoped to have sex in the contest. he said i should have sold my own tickets!! "you don't understand. i wanted to have sex on tv!" he called me a show off. when i separated from my wife, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. i told the judge that i had sex before i was married but that sex left me after i was married. he said the same thing had happened to him! last night, sex ran off again. i spent hours looking for her. a cop came over and asked what i was doing up an alley at 4 in the morning. "looking for sex." i replied. my case comes up on thursday. i was sent to see a psychiatrist. she said that sex isn;t man's best friend and that i should get myself a dog!

from a very good and humourous laughfc.com ROONEY AND JEFFERS AT ROONEY'S 18TH PARTY

International Signs.... Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY. Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. Hotel, Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE. Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF. Car rental brochure, Tokyo: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR. Sign in men's rest room in Japan: TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. On an Athi River highway: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE. On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP. A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS. In a Pumwani maternity ward: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED. In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANYBUT THEIR OWN GRAVES. Sign in Japanese public bath: FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB. Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED. In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. In a Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN. Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK. Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE. An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS. A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS? Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

Important scam warning I hate those hoax warnings, but this one is v.important!!! Please send this to everyone on your email list. If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your bum, DO NOT show him your bum. This is a scam!! He only wants to see your bum. I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap.

wonder if it made Richard's eyes water I mean BOT

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Naughty, Naughty! Excuse me....What were you thinkin'?

The subject is Marketing. The buzz word in today's business world is Marketing. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of 'Marketing' Well here it is: =============== You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing ==================== You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, " She's fantastic in bed" That's Advertising ===================== You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi! I'm fantastic in bed" That's Telemarketing ==================== You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up him and pour him a drink. You say, " May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, " By the way, I'm fantastic in bed" That's Public Relations ==================== You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition ==================== You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep ==================== Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support ==================== You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail ===================== You are at a party, this well built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs your ass. That's Arnold Schwarzenegger. You like it, but 20 years later your Attorney decides you were offended.. That's America !!

ditto on Blandy's comment - wonder if my office will still be in one piece on Monday I think they'll get batterd to be honest 3 or 4 zip

i liked that Richard begs the question Just how did the dad know?

An adorable little girl, all blonde curls and blue eyes walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" The shopkeeper's heart melts and he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, blushing, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck"!

bloody hell elvis - thought you'd disappeared like your namesake Welcome back ! Allan

bit like the one in the Meaning Evil having a go at VFC

so what if it's old I still like it A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"! Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to he kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop. Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans" Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size" She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter. The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky hand writing were the words "South African Airways" Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA. The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted!

someone else agrees with you Richard

just checked and Ladbrokes seem to be offering that 18/1 a 1/5 th odds for 4th in a proper race style therefore you get 18/5 on us finishing 5th OR 6th which isn't too bad

and finally for now some Chinese Proverbs Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Tom pays a visit to a gorgeous young prostitute. After two hours of exhausting great sex he says, "Now you won't see me for a while." The prostitute isn't happy to see a good customer leave and asks, "Are you too busy next week to pay me a visit?" "No sweety, that's not what I mean. Just turn over..."

Two factory workers were talking. "I think I'll take some time off from work," said the man. "How do you think you'll do that?" asked the blonde. He proceeded to climb up to the rafters, and hang upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing. "I'm a light bulb," answered the guy. "I think you need some time off," said the boss. So the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. Then the blonde began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going? The blonde answered, "Home, I can't work in the dark!"

Love -When your eyes meet across a crowded room Lust - When your tongues meet across a crowded room Marriage - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room Love - When intercourse is called making love Lust - When intercourse in called screwing Marriage - When intercourse is a little town in America Love - When you argue over how many kids to have Lust - When you argue over who gets the wet spot Marriage - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids Love - When you share everything you own Lust - When you steal everything they own Marriage - When the bank owns everything Love - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax Lust - When the relationship is over if you don't climax Marriage - When.... uh.... what's a climax Love - When your heart flutters every time you see them Lust - When your groin twitches every time you see them Marriage - When your wallet empties every time you see them Love - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel Lust - When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it Marriage - When you listen to talk radio Love - When breaking up is something you try not to think about Lust - When staying together is something you try not to think about Marriage - When just getting through the day is your only thought Love - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner Lust - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner Marriage - When you're only interested in your golf score Love - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk Lust - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex Marriage - When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement Love - You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts Lust - You only leave the house for condoms and K-Y Marriage - You only leave the house when you're allowed