LancsVillan

Tommy allback did you not know :oops: my mistake to be honest. I wanted to put the Danes in and got confuddled

and no-one has voted for them!

one of these 'favourites' or someone else

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wings struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up at the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare. Eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps... He whispers, "Iron this -- and then get me a fu**ing beer."

class RR pure class

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he now?" said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved." That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!

@ JPA not very PC admittedly but funny all the same

on the nun theme nun in the morning nun in the afternoon nun in the evening and nun at night it's not funny it my sex life

not PC but .......... At a small airport in the Texas panhandle three strangers await their planes. One was a Native American, another a local ranch hand and finally an Arab student. To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The Native American looks silently out the window. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds across the plains and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes. Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: "Once my people were many, now we are few." The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward. "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is? " The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet."

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday". "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

Ducks A man walked into a quiet bar. He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He placed them one beside the other upon the bar. He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with the barman. The barman was surprised, but experienced and had learned not to ask people about animals they bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks. They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had to go to the toilet. He left the ducks on the bar. The barman was alone with the ducks. There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another. The barman decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation. What's your name?" he asked the first duck. "Huey," replied the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day! What else could a duck want?", said the duck. "Oh. That's nice," said the barman. Then he said to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?" "Dewey”, came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey?” he asked. Great, lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in and out of puddles all day myself. If I had the chance to have another day like today, I'd take it!” said the duck in reply. So the barman turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, "my name is Puddles. And don't even ask what kind of day I've had!"

very good RR ROFLMAO

yes I'd agree with the latter bit - oh I already did higher up. Can anyone remember - where is John Lerwill? - the dates we've changed the crest and any reasons why? reasons other than egotistical chairmen wanting to of course

is the badge on offer at the online shop and shows the roundel type badge

round one of the two on this - much like the badge that has just been re-introduced which is a shame as I've lovingly kept mine for 20 odd years :-) of them all then just the Lion on it's own with no crest and our motto would be best

as requested main sponsors, Walkers, have decided to cash in on the publicity of the footy team's recent trip to Spain and are releasing a new range of crisps, which they hope will prove popular. These are, assault and vinegar, ready assaulted, pokey bacon, sleaze and onion, gang-roasted chicken and porn cocktail...

cheers Rob - that killed another 10 mins Toffo's - lost two teeth to them and three to chocolate eclairs

Jublee's - oh do I remember them. Stopping footie and cricket matches every summer holiday for half an hour while we all struggled with how to open them

space dust - great shout and yes Cabana were that bar, used to get one on my paper round (Allbutt's in Headless Cross, Redditch) which might explain my liking for choccie these days

backtracking a little Mint Cracknell where they the ones that exploded in your mouth and were re-launched a bit back as Wonka's summat or other? Not seen a Bournville bar for years, ever since getting me mum one for mother's day in fact with my pocket money

and now you#re older you have to pay a lot more too some of those old bars were class

what happened to the other- please specify option as well? Mod please edit as I can't

Bounty for me -and yes as I'm on a diet this will pay with my mind. only alcohol this week was one pint with Paul B to celebrate after the Youth Cup game

inspired by the flake adverts!