rjw63 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NibblyPig Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 ^^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 A woman comes back from a visit to the doctor and says to her husband. "The doctor says I've got the tits and arse of a 16 year old". Her husband replies "What did he say about your 40-year-old word removed?" The wife responds "Oh, he didn't mention you..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself. The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on - 5'9'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show. After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down. She said "Hi", and I said "Hi" in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down. "So, does that make you feel good?" she asked. "I'll bet you feel good," she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before." "Well, I have," I corrected her. "You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good." I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast. "How do you feel now," she purred. "OK" I replied. Again, she said, "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!" Unbelievably I heard myself saying "Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, clipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds ‘till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and..." "Ahhh..." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, and pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet!! She snapped, "Well tell me this, Smart Ass... have you ever felt such a word removed?" "I certainly have" I answered, "I missed the kick!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JonnyBradford Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 My local vicar has just been attacked by having domestos poured all over him, fortunately they arrested a local man, who's now been charged with a bleach of the priest ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villab0y Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre. They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself. It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course. Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So they buried Deirdre. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acwilliams Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 Lots of criticism at the moment is being targetted at "Lad's Mags" such as Zoo, Nuts and Loaded. People are saying they are immoral and degrading to women. Conservative MPs have even stated that they are willing to be interviewed in such magazines to elaborate on why they are a bad thing. But, trust me, thats never going to happen. You never see a word removed in a Lads Mag. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 I've never revealed this before but my Dad's a cross dresser. He doesn't wear women's clothes, he just gets angry when he gets dressed.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NibblyPig Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 You know what really makes me cross? When they close off the pavement on one side of the road! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sit_Down_Potato_Head Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acwilliams Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 What does a clitoris and the Antarctic have in common? Men know its down there somewhere but really don't care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 What does a clitoris and the Antarctic have in common? Men know its down there somewhere but really don't care. Thats a womans joke, shame on you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acwilliams Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 What does a clitoris and the Antarctic have in common? Men know its down there somewhere but really don't care. Thats a womans joke, shame on you! Sue me - it made me laugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted August 6, 2008 VT Supporter Share Posted August 6, 2008 A woman goes shopping one day. When she gets to the checkout there is a rather attractive yojng man working on the till. He begins to scan her items across the barcode scanner. BEEP 1 ready curry meal BEEP 1 small bottle of wine BEEP 1 ready made sandwich BEEP 1 naan bread BEEP 1 small loaf of Hovis BEEP 1 roll of toilet paper BEEP 1 toothbrush BEEP 1 bar of soap BEEP 1 small bottle of coke BEEP 1 knife BEEP 1 fork BEEP 1 spoon As the last item is scanned, the attractive male turns to the girl and says "Excuse me miss, are you single by any chance?" The girl giggles and answers "Yes, how could you tell?" The male smiles: "Because you are a **** ugly bitch" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 A woman goes shopping one day. When she gets to the checkout there is a rather attractive yojng man working on the till. He begins to scan her items across the barcode scanner. BEEP 1 ready curry meal BEEP 1 small bottle of wine BEEP 1 ready made sandwich BEEP 1 naan bread BEEP 1 small loaf of Hovis BEEP 1 roll of toilet paper BEEP 1 toothbrush BEEP 1 bar of soap BEEP 1 small bottle of coke BEEP 1 knife BEEP 1 fork BEEP 1 spoon As the last item is scanned, the attractive male turns to the girl and says "Excuse me miss, are you single by any chance?" The girl giggles and answers "Yes, how could you tell?" The male smiles: "Because you are a **** ugly bitch" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted August 7, 2008 Share Posted August 7, 2008 A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler. The little boy asks: "Can I have a beer Grandpa?" Grandpa replies: "Can your pecker touch your ass?" The little boy answered "No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker". Gramps says: "Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer". A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asks: "Can I have a cigar Grandpa?" Once again, Grandpa asks: "Can your pecker touch your ass?" Once again the little boy replies, "No, it's too little". Gramps replies, "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar". A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies. Grandpa asks, "Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?" The boy asks, "Can your pecker touch your ass?" Gramps replies, "Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass". The little boy replies, "Then go **** yourself - Grandma made these for me". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted August 7, 2008 Share Posted August 7, 2008 A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he left the bar some time later, he realized that his horse had been stolen. The cowboy rushed back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking, and then fired a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I did back in Texas. And let me tell you, I don't wanna have to do what I did back in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer then walked outside to find his horse was back. So, he saddled up and prepared to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and said, "Say partner, what happened in Texas anyway?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted August 7, 2008 Share Posted August 7, 2008 When asked by the Austrian media if he had ever met Josef Fritzl's daughter Alice, the family's next door neighbour replied "Alice? Alice? Who the **** is Alice? For twenty four years I've been living next door to Alice?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acwilliams Posted August 7, 2008 Share Posted August 7, 2008 I'm sick and tired of people making fun of other people with erectile dysfunctions! Don't you think things aren't hard enough for them already!? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LT_1993 Posted August 8, 2008 Share Posted August 8, 2008 When asked by the Austrian media if he had ever met Josef Fritzl's daughter Alice, the family's next door neighbour replied "Alice? Alice? Who the **** is Alice? For twenty four years I've been living next door to Alice?" can someone explain this to me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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