LancsVillan Posted September 8, 2005 Moderator Share Posted September 8, 2005 A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package." The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisVillan Posted September 8, 2005 Share Posted September 8, 2005 You're determined to kill my passion for life before it starts aren't you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted September 8, 2005 Moderator Share Posted September 8, 2005 You're determined to kill my passion for life before it starts aren't you! possibly if I had an idea what you wre going on about :? :shock: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisVillan Posted September 8, 2005 Share Posted September 8, 2005 You're determined to kill my passion for life before it starts aren't you! possibly if I had an idea what you wre going on about :? :shock: I'm not married yet and most of the jokes you come out with make it less and less likely that I'll bother Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted September 8, 2005 Moderator Share Posted September 8, 2005 either that Chris or he knows I'm just married and he's trying to break me :shock: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted September 8, 2005 Moderator Share Posted September 8, 2005 Marriage - it's great to be institutionalised :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted September 8, 2005 Moderator Share Posted September 8, 2005 With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March." In my limited experience it's one for 6 o clock, one for 7 o clock, one for 8 ......... Although the limp is annoying Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisVillan Posted September 8, 2005 Share Posted September 8, 2005 limp Too much info on the marital problems Bri Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted September 8, 2005 Moderator Share Posted September 8, 2005 That's a funny one. Me and a mate were trying to decide what the opposite to erectile dysfunction is, and we decided it is erectile function i.e inopportune horns and the like. So we concluded that we in fact suffer from erectile function A curse, but hey just don't be caught wearing tracksuit bottoms too often in public Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisVillan Posted September 8, 2005 Share Posted September 8, 2005 The tracksuit bottoms went out the window long ago as a highly erectile functional teenage bag of hormones. Apparently. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisVillan Posted September 8, 2005 Share Posted September 8, 2005 "Hi honey, this is Daddy...is your Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank," After a brief pause Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Oh Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now!" "Uh Okay then......here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house." "Okay Daddy!" A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" he asks. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead. "Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool....but he must have forgotten that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all really dead too." *** long pause *** Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039? "No! This is 555-7093" the little girl said. "Ooooppss...sorry wrong number!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted September 9, 2005 Moderator Share Posted September 9, 2005 Comparative Religions: Taoism = Shit happens Confucianism = Confucius say, 'Shit happens' Buddhism = Shit happening is an illusion Islam = Shit happening is the will of Allah Zen = What is the sound of shit happening? Hinduism = This shit happened before Protestant = Let shit happen to someone else Catholicism = Shit happens because you don't work hard enough Judaism = Why does this shit always happen to us? Christian Science = If shit happens, pray and it will go away Atheism = Shit happens for no reason Agnostic = Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't Hare Krishna = Shit happens, shit happens, shit-shit happens Stoicism = So shit happens... I can take it Scientology = Feces occurs Rastafarianism = Let's smoke this shit and see what happens Jehovah Witness = Let us in and we'll tell you why shit happens Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted September 9, 2005 Share Posted September 9, 2005 irish race horse trainer is doing 100 mph in his land rover and horse box on the m5 when he's pulled over by the cops. " why the rush sir " they ask..." i'm late for a meeting at exeter officer , i must get there for the first race ". " ok" say the cops, can i have a look in your horse box ? " the cops have a look and go back to the trainer " there's no horses in there mate " they say.." i know " says the trainer ...." they're non runners " !!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richard Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 Congratulations to England on getting the ashes! The last English person to **** an Aussie and get the ashes was Paula Yates Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richard Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 Mine was borderline tasteless, your was out of order paddy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 Mine was borderline tasteless, your was out of order paddy. Fair enough. You could argue there's been worse on here that have stayed but I can definitely see where you're coming from. I mean there's even a joke on the front page about New Orleans, which is quite surprising that one slipped through (admittedly it wasn't as bad as mine but it doesn't give a good impression) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted September 15, 2005 Moderator Share Posted September 15, 2005 which thread paddy - I cannot find it that quickly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 which thread paddy - I cannot find it that quickly At the bottom of the fake interview with Doug. Like I say it wasn't as sick as mine which is out of order, but isn't exactly the best look. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Withnail Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father?" The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies TONY. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?' "What's the fu*king difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Withnail Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 A man walks in to a sportshop only to find an incredibly attractive buxom young lady serving behind the counter. "Sh*t" he thinks to himself. "Can I help you? " she asks. "Erm, err, yes I think so. Could I have a packet of condoms please?" he splutters. " I beg your pardon" says she. "Yes I said a packet of condoms please." By now he's going rather red and wishing the floor would swallow him whole. " Sir this is a sportshop we don't sell condoms I'm afraid" says the bemused potential Miss world. " Listen I want a packet of condoms and I demand to see the manager right away" he says. Off she goes shaking both her head and her gorgeous rear as she fetches the manager. Out he comes much to the relief of our hero who exclaims, " thank **** for that. Can I have the latest Tottenham shirt please mate." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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