WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[marks61]

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen" he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and asks, "Where's my toast?"

[Designer1]

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy

together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe

rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!

I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband

that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that

she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled...

...so I told her to f*ck off.

[Guest]

!

I like that last one, and all of the Jacko jokes were superb!

[victie1]

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen" he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and asks, "Where's my toast?"

Right 2 things:

1) Funny as **** !!

2) Now have hicups!! SOMEONE HELP?!??!??

[LancsVillan]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish.............................................49

Adventurous....................................Slept with everyone

Athletic............................................No tits

Average looking...............................Ugly

Beautiful..........................................Pathological liar

Contagious Smile.............................Does a lot of pills

Emotionally Secure..........................On medication

Feminist..........................................Fat

Free spirit.......................................Junkie

Friendship first................................Former slut

Fun.................................................Annoying

New-Age.........................................Body hair in the wrong

places

Old-fashioned..................................No BJs

Open-minded...................................Desperate

Outgoing.........................................Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate......................................Sloppy drunk

Professional....................................Bitch

Voluptuous......................................Very Fat

Large frame....................................Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate........................ ....Stalker

DICTIONARY OF WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want..

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY OF MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex ?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

[LancsVillan]

An Asian guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and

asked the bank Teller:

"Why it change? Yestoday I get won hunat an five yen fo dallar -

today I get a hunat ?"

The teller says - "fluctuations"

The Chinese guy says "fluc you white guys too"

[LancsVillan]

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.

"Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the ' There's no Santa' speech.

At 7, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

When I was 8, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech.

[LancsVillan]

THE DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN LIVING IN THE HIGHLANDS "Our First Winter"

DEC 20th

It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 24th

We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.

DEC 26th

It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled the driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.

JAN 1st

Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.

JAN 5th

Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work.She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing.Had another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush. That bastard snowplough came by twice today............ Where's that bloody shovel.

JAN 9th

More **** snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater, which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a **** deer on the way to casualty and car was written off.

JAN 13th

**** bastard white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put> on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little words removed next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that carrot so far up the little bastard's arse it'll take a good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the word removed that drives the snowplough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the bastard hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael Schufuckingmacher and buries the **** driveway again.

JAN 17th

Sixteen more **** inches of **** snow and **** ice and **** sleet and god knows what other white shite fell last night.I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick. Can' t move my **** toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more **** snow forecast.

JAN 18th

**** THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO England

[LancsVillan]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is

to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I'll know them." Tired of his

boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and

Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in

for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave

Cruise's house, he tells Ian that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just

lucky.

No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions

him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way

to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of

coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After

they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who

again implores him to name anyone else.

"The pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long

time."

So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in

Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the

Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so

let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough,

half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time

Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is

surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came

out on the balcony and the man next to me said,

"Who the f*#k's that on the balcony with Dave?"

[LancsVillan]

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have s*x without letting their children in on it.

They decided on the word "typewriter."

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."

The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

______________________________

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.

Red sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

____________________________

A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had s*x with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had s*x with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. Very well,"

says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in green sits with her legs slightly spread apart.> The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies: "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

_____________________

A woman standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband "I look, horrible, fat and ugly...can you please pay me a compliment?"

The husband replies....." Well your eyesight's spot on...."

TWO women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him.

She then asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[LancsVillan]

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

********************************************************

Lufthansa Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it could affect the flight trim."

********************************************************

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

********************************************************

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

********************************************************

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

********************************************************

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

********************************************************

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

********************************************************

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

********************************************************

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite.

********************************************************

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

********************************************************

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

********************************************************

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said: "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

********************************************************

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."

********************************************************

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

********************************************************

On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you are going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

********************************************************

"Last one off the plane must clean it.

********************************************************

From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!

********************************************************

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault...it was the asphalt!"

********************************************************

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

********************************************************

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

********************************************************

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

********************************************************

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

********************************************************

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

that's it for tonight

[LancsVillan]

If I have sent this to you before I can only apologise - I can't remember

!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention

Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall

table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the

trash can under the table, and notice that the rubbish bin is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out

the rubbish first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I

take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only

one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk

where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the

Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put

it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on

the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading

glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going

to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container

with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be

looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on

the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where

it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels

and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was

planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't

paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the

flowers aren't watered, there is still only one cheque in my

chequebook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm

really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm

really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some

help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you

know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

[Villaninireland]

Wife asks husband,"why do I always have to sleep in the wet patch?"Husband replies " there wouldn't be a wet patch if you would swallow"

Humpty dumpty sat on a bed

little Bo Peep was giving him head

As soon as he came she started to weep

she knew by the taste he'd been shagging her sheep

[duncandares]

A bloke sees a sign in a petshop window saying "Talking dog for sale. Yours for £5. Enquire within."

He walks inside. There's no one behind the counter. Just a mutt.

The chap has his doubts, but, since there's no one around, he says to the dog "Do you talk?"

The dog looks at him and says "Of course. Can't you read?"

"That's incredible," says the man. "And how did you end up for sale in a pet shop?"

The dog replies "Well, my unusual talent was spotted when I was just a puppy. Pretty soon,I'd been recruited by the CIA as a spy. Unsuspecting criminals and terrorists would talk freely in my presence, little suspecting that I was memorising their every word. I was the key witness in the Gotti trial. And it was my detective work that helped the CIA track down Saddam Hussein."

The dog continued "Well, eventually, the mafia put out a contract on me and so now I've decided I just want to live an ordinary canine life as a family pet. You know, fetching sticks and humping the occasional leg. So I asked the pet shop owner to try and sell me."

Just then, the petshop owner appears. He says, "I see you're talking to Rex. Are you interested in buying him, perchance?"

The punter says "Well, yeah, but tell me why the asking price is so low. I mean, a dog like this must be worth millions."

And the shopkeeper says: "That dog's a f**king liar. He never did half those things!"

[duncandares]

Train hits the small heath ladies team bus and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.

St Peter asks the first girl (from Deritend), "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of my brother's with the tip of my finger"

St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl (from Chelmsley Wood) the same question,

"Joanne have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and the girl from Bordesley is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Chloe! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies.."If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water...I want to do it before Jess sticks her arse in it!!"

[duncandares]

Edward was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what there fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Edward aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Edward, "He plays football for Birmingham but I was just too embarrassed to say."

[duncandares]

A bloke goes into a pub and the barmaid asks what he wants.

"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says.

"You dirty git" shouts the barmaid "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your

Arse and lick it all off" he says.

"You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out!" she screams.

Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again.

"One more chance" says the barmaid. "Now - what do you want?"

"I want to turn you upside down, open your legs and fill your pussy with

Stella Artois, and then drink every last drop from it."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to

fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

"What's up love?" he asks.

"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my t1ts and

lick the sweat off", she says.

"I'll kill him. Where is he?" shouts the husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick

it off" she screams.

"Right. He's dead," says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Stella

and then drink it all" she cries.

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Stella."

--------------------

[Stethegeez]

Why didn't Michael Jackson feed the kids?

He was too busy raping them.

[LancsVillan]

QUICK-THINKING KIDS

Kids in school think quickly ....and will make you laugh as long as they aren't yours!

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA : Here it is!

TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS : Maria!

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?

FRANK : Because of the sign.

TEACHER : What sign?

FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : John, why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?

JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

TEACHER : No, that's wrong

GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!

TEACHER : What are you talking about?

DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE : Me!

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?

GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

MILLIE : I is...

TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."

MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?

TINO : Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

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TEACHER : George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.

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TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

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TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!;

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TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD : A teacher.

[smudge]

A man isn't very good with the ladies so he goes down to the red light district and comes acros a woman. He asks her what can I get for £500?

She answered 'What would you like?' the man didn't know as he hadn't done anything before so she said I'll do 69.

The guys happy but has no idea what it's all about, she gets on top of him and takes up the position and a few seconds later she farts! and it really reaks! the guy just thinks nothing of it untill she does it again a few seconds later, but this time it's worse. and the man really can't stand it so he gets up and said ' **** this, i aint waitin for another 67 of them