villafan1985 Posted August 20, 2004 Share Posted August 20, 2004 The Pope has a very rare disease and the top doctors have a cure, but for it to work the pope has to have protected sex. Obviously he is upset about this as his whole religion and life work is against this. anyway he gathers his advisors and tells the that he's willing to do it on four conditions. 'First she must be blind, there is no way that she can see who I am or else Christianity will crumble, and God will be very angry.' 'Second she must be deaf, just in case she hears my name or recognises my voice, she would be able to tell everyone and the press would have a field day I can not take that chance.' 'Thirdly she must be dumb, so that even if somehow she does find out that it is me she will be unable to tell anyone, and my reputation will be intact.' 'Finally she must have really big tits' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 20, 2004 Share Posted August 20, 2004 Blues fan has a wash... Never mind Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villaninireland Posted August 23, 2004 Share Posted August 23, 2004 whats the difference between the scum & a triangle ? a triangle has 3 points !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 23, 2004 Share Posted August 23, 2004 whats the difference between the scum & a triangle ? a triangle has 3 points !!! So funny and so true A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling-film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 23, 2004 Share Posted August 23, 2004 I just found this one, although the credit should go to Mushroom, a bloke who posts on B3ta. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted August 23, 2004 Share Posted August 23, 2004 ^^^ Oh yes that's a cracker :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theboyangel Posted August 24, 2004 Share Posted August 24, 2004 A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses.. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent therest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No Kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted August 24, 2004 Share Posted August 24, 2004 ^^^^**** great!!!!! :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drat01 Posted August 24, 2004 Share Posted August 24, 2004 A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help." he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your snatch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paulmcgrathsshin Posted August 25, 2004 Share Posted August 25, 2004 Girl walks up to a guy standing at the bar "Hi, what's your name" she asks, "Bond" says the guy, a little shocked the girl replies "Not James Bond?", "No" the guy replies "Unibond, I'm here to fill your crack". I'll get me coat...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kjackson Posted August 25, 2004 Share Posted August 25, 2004 Two fish are sitting in a tank. Says the first to the second, "You man the guns and I'll drive." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigwheels Posted August 25, 2004 Share Posted August 25, 2004 Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone." The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman. Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thomasgunn Posted August 25, 2004 Share Posted August 25, 2004 WOMEN'S ENGLISH: 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want.. 5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = You're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = You better not 8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron! 10.You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? MEN'S ENGLISH: 1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = Let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you 11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 25, 2004 Share Posted August 25, 2004 All are good, keep 'em coming! (I actually liked the one about the fish :oops:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kjackson Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 Ta mj, took me about 5 minutes of hard thinking to get it (the fish thing) when someone told me the other day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
northernvilla Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 I cannot believe this thread is still going, seems to have been slightly overtaken in the pages though, haha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theboyangel Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a 'phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile 'phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ass. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Irishman glanced around behind him and said .. " B-jesus , will you look at that, I'm getting a fax!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theboyangel Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 THE TOAST John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me lovely wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the Street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary. She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!" "Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villaninireland Posted September 2, 2004 Share Posted September 2, 2004 Whats the difference between a tampax & a lada ? A tampax comes with its own tow rope Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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