mattavfc Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!" Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?" The dad answered, "Playing Cards". Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?" The dad answered, " Your mom". Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing?" The sister answered, "Playing Cards." Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?" She answered, "My boyfriend." A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom. As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "what are you doing?" Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards." The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?" Little Johnny answered, "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted June 13, 2004 Share Posted June 13, 2004 Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?" The dad answered, "Playing Cards". Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?" The dad answered, " Your mom". Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing?" The sister answered, "Playing Cards." Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?" She answered, "My boyfriend." A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom. As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "what are you doing?" Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards." The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?" Little Johnny answered, "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!" that's class. best joke here in the last 2 pages, common guys no dumb blonde jokes or any silly trivia, keep the standard up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 13, 2004 Share Posted June 13, 2004 Little Johnny's mother is taking a bath, having recently been discharged from hospital where she had all her pubic hair removed. Johnny comes into the bathroom as she's drying off and asks her what happened to the hair. "I've lost my sponge" she replies and sends Johnny out to play. A few moments later, Johnny returns and tells his mother he think she's found her sponge "Oh really," his mum asks Where is it?" Johnny answers, "The lady next door is washing daddies face with it" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 13, 2004 Share Posted June 13, 2004 A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back... "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted June 14, 2004 Share Posted June 14, 2004 :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted June 14, 2004 Share Posted June 14, 2004 what film did the england team watch when they got back last night? gone in 60 seconds (sorry) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it's really phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day", he begins, 'I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream." "No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued. "Kiss me, kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes" the frog says. "I looked around to see if I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful voluptuous naked woman." She said, "You now have 3 wishes." "I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, 'I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger!' "She nodded and snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was so big that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked 'What is your second wish?" "I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, 'I want to make sensuous love with you by the stream'. She nodded, laid down and beckoned me. We made love right there by the stream for hours!! God I was a love machine." "Afterwards, as we lay next to each other, sweating from our glorious love making she whispered in my ear, 'You know you have one more wish, what will it be? I looked at her and replied 'How about a little head?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 A man goes to the doctor's for his wife's test results. Mr. Smith says to the receptionist "I'm here for Mrs. Smith's test results." The receptionist replies "Oh, I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have 2 sets of test results for a Mrs. Smith and we don't know which belongs to your wife... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS!" Mr Smith is shocked "That's awful! What should I do?" The receptionist "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't shag her." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 A guy walks into the bar and orders 9 shots of tequila. So the bartender pours nine shots and the man downs one after the other. "Holy shit!" the bartender exclaims "That the most tequila I've ever seen anyone drink that fast before - what's the occasion!?!" "My first blow job" the man announces quite plainly "Well" the bartender replies "let me buy you another!" "Listen, if 9 doesn't take the taste out of my mouth, another one won't help." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JuanPabloAngel Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 It`s old but i like it......... This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town; "Where's the pissing, motherf***ing manager, you cock sucking arsewipe?" he enquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is taken aback and replies; "Excuse me sir but could you refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can". The manager comes over and the bloke asks; "Are you the chicken-f***ing manager of this bastard place?." "Yes sir, I am" replies the manager, "but I would prefer if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant. "f*** off" replies the bloke "and where's the f***ing piano?" "Pardon?" says the manager. "f***ing deaf as well, are we? you snivelling little piece of shit,show me your c***ing piano". "Ah", replies the manager, "you've come about the pianist job" and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?" "Of course I f***ing can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard. "That's superb. What's it called?" "I tried to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my dick," replies the bloke. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Magnificent," cries the manager. "What's it called?" "I wanted a wank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in the soap drawer". The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard. "And what's this called?" asks the manager. "As I f*** you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring piece," replies the bloke. The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night sitting opposite the pianist, is the most gorgeous blonde he has everlaid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out of her black lace bra, the skimpy little "G" string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter dribbles down her chin. The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to furiously bash the bishop. He's tugging away feverishly when he hears the manager's voice. "Where's that bastard pianist?" He has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over, boobs in his face and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your knob and your bollocks are hanging out of your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?"................... And the bloke replies: "Know it? I f***ing wrote it!!!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 A number 1 wood goes into a pub and orders a pint. The barman says "I'm not serving you." "Why ever not?" asks the number 1 wood. The barman replies, "You might be driving later!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Two tramps fancied a pint or two but only had 50p between them. The first tramp said "I've got an idea, wait there." He went to the nearest butchers shop and came out with one large sausage. His mate said, "Are you stupid, we don't have any money left now." The first tramp replied, "Don't worry, just follow me." They went in to a pub and the first guy ordered two pints of Guiness and two whisky chasers. His mate said "Your mad, we're going to be in serious trouble, we haven't got any money!" "Don't panic, I've got a plan," replied the first tramp. They drank their drinks and the first guy said, "OK, I'll stick this sausage through my fly and you get down on your knees and put it into your mouth. So down on his knees he went. Suddenly, the barman saw them and shouted "You dirty ba*tards!" and threw them out. The tramps went to another pub and once again were thrown out. They continued this, pub after pub gettig more & more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub, the second tramp slurred, "I'm completely pi**ed and my knees are killing me." His mate replied "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 muhahahahahahaaaaa :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 read that tramp joke here last week or so.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Sorry King Kalim. :roll: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregavfc Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 read that tramp joke here last week or so.... im pretty sure i havent seen it on here. you must have read it somewhere else Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 Its on page 20 and i posted it... http://www.villatalk.com/index.php?name=PNphpBB2&file=viewtopic&p=41712&highlight=sausage#41712 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregavfc Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 apologies Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 no worries mate, just hope ur mate grows up a bit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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