To make up for that, I'll give you a few of my favourite one-liners..
"This summer I'm going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say "Get a life!" on them"
"The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face."
"A computer once beat me at chess., but it was no match for me at kickboxing."
"There are various ways to give up smoking - nicotine patches, nicotine gum. My auntie used to pour a gallon of petrol on herself every morning"
"I'm in therapy at the moment. I don't need it, obviously, but I got all these psychiatrist gift vouchers for Christmas which my family clubbed together for. What I really wanted was a crossbow."
"In Vegas I got into a long arguement with the man at the roullete wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."
"I bought a pack of Animal Crackers and it said on it, 'Do not eat if seal is broken'. So I opened it up, and sure enough . . ."
"I used to think the brain was the greatest organ in the human body, then I realised, 'Hey! Look who's telling me that!'"