claretman

"Do you want to hear a really good batman impression?" asked my mate Dave. "Go on then," I replied. "NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" he screamed. I said, "That's superman." He said, "Thanks, I've been practising."

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto : 'To Fly. To Serve'? The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: 'Winning the hearts of the world'? Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: 'Going beyond expectations'? The woman looks at him sternly and says: 'What the **** do you want? 'Aha!' he says, "Ryanair!"

Jesus, is Hutton still here? Worries me when this thread becomes active. Don't care where he goes, he's simply dreadful and not good enough to be Lowton's understudy.

"Hi, I'm Jane," she said. "I'm Christopher," I replied, "but everyone calls me Dick for short." "How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked. "You ask nicely," I said.

I sat down on the sofa to watch Wimbledon but all I could hear was grunt after grunt after grunt. "Shut the door while your having a shit!", I said to my wife. "I'm trying to watch the tennis"

Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense

That effort by Smetrov genuinely made me feel like I'd lost ten seconds of my life. Anyway, I've got some goodies lined up: A horse walks into a bar and the barman asks, "Why the long face?" The horse, being a horse and thus unable to speak or comprehend the complexities of conversation, does not reply and shits on the floor. .

During my round the world trip recently, I was asked how I'd made it from Turkey to Afghanistan so fast. Easy. Iran.

Drat was Puss E Kat all along. Who knew?

While Jim Apple was having trouble introducing himself in France, at a hotel in Berlin, his friend Gordon Morgan was having similar problems when he arrived for breakfast.

Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

"Dad, can I have a Coke with my name on it?" "Why don't you have a Pepsi, Max."

I have just been fined £100 for being in the middle lane for too long. Most expensive swim I've ever had.

You're shitting me! I can't believe he was only on loan, thought we had seen the back of him. Jesus.

Con is a troll who is just incredibly persistent surely?! Bannan top class? World class potential?! Ridiculous!

I find it amazing that people were just stood about, whilst some nutter with a meat cleaver in his blood covered hands is milling about spouting bollocks. I would conclude that he was an unpredictable psychopath and be on my toes to a safe distance quickly.

Folks, don't forget we are losing a Premier League record breaker here. That is, for own goals scored. Still, Baker seems to be showing a knack for following that trait.

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense that the decided to return to the clubhouse for help. Her pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee," she replied. "Where?" he asked. She said, "Between the first and second hole." He nodded knowingly and said, "Your stance is too wide."

Saw someone try to park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn't see the person, so I'm not going to assume what gender she was.

I caught my son listening to a song called "Smack my Bitch Up". I took him to one side and explained it wasn't big or clever to hit women. "But Dad", he said, "It's not about that at all. It's about injecting women with heroin so they can be manipulated into prostitution." I apologised for my mistake.

Lawro is a bland, monotoned cock. Who knows very little about football. Savage is a wind up merchant; he actually changed his prediction after we won at Liverpool saying we would stay up, before telling everybody during our horrific January that he had said from the start we would go down. He is a troll, pure and simple, and as Villa fans we are trolled by him far too easily. People I know who have met him say he's actually a top bloke, and very funny. Personally, I think he's a word removed.

After a season of pain we can finally relax. I'm going to celebrate with a nice mug of cocoa.

I saw an ad in a window that said, "Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full." I thought, "Can't turn that down!"

Well down to Wigan. I honestly think though this is good for us, they can't play with that intensity again for the next two games. Really fancy arsenal now.

Mark Kinsella. Stood in the centre circle, pointing and running short distances. Crud player.