kingphil

Why, on a Villa forum are we discussing the qualities of Ronaldo ? He is a bent **** and will never come to the Villa

True Love. An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door- frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula....................... **** off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

Top idea - Maybe we could also get the bridge painted again, as it's looking very dated these days

Absolutely ! Doubt it will happen though. I think the Totty Thread will never be seen again

A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there were only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre. They manage to swim to a small island. They lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do..... After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself. It was very tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while nature once more took its inevitable course.... Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing..... so they buried her. ! ! ! ! !

I like it ^^^

If I wake up at night, and need a piss, I always sit down, so no need to turn the lights on and mess your eyes up. Other then that, standing - well apart from when you have a dump

Newcastle didn't look great on TV last night, despite the quality of their midfield. Be a tight game, but believe with the right atmosphere, we should win 1-0 or 2-1. JPA to score

I'll have to say job satisfaction as well - due to the points already raised. But then again, you like your job, but aren't paid well, so you home life is shit and you never go out - so you end up living for work, rather then working to live. I think the only alternative is to win the lottery as Jon said, or speak to Randy when he secures the club, and see what job opportunities are available

Got to be JT - holds the back line well - and certainly not afraid to voice his opinions to the other players.

Is that the share price - or the time of the last shares brought ? I remember buying as fair few when they got floated at £11 - and then crashed down to £1.50 - if they are now at £13.26 - I'm selling

At last I get it !!!

A male patient is lying in bed in hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse arrives, to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his willy in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off. More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!" After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life." "How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the Porsche owner. The policeman replies, "Didn't you realize that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you." The Londoner looks down in absolute horror......... "F?#*ING HELL!!!!!!" he screams........ "Where's my Rolex????..."

Totally out of order - hey, it scared me when I watched it, and I've seen lots of horror shows over the years (normally at VP).

New club craze sweeping the nation is to fill a women’s vagina with neat vodka, and drink it using a straw. Drink experts have warned of an increase in MINGE drinkers

A blonde girl had just purchased a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut up a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!" He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tyres. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle."

Jack & Jill are playing hide n seek. Jill says to Jack 'If you find me, I'll let you mess with my pussy, and **** me in the ass' Jill carries on 'If you can't find me - I'll be in the shed'

Sol Campbell has apparently expressed an interest in signing for Charlton. The interest has arisen due to last weeks goal scorers being Young & Bent

Bloke wakes up with a stinking hangover after a heavy night on the Guinness. As he enters the kitchen, he hears the sound of the frying pan, and thinks to himself what a wonderful wife he has, as she is cooking him breakfast. The smell isn’t that of bacon, but of something burning, with black smoke coming off the stove. ‘What the feck are you doing’ he exclaims to his wife, as he sees a pair of his socks smouldering in the pan. ‘Exactly what you asked me to do last night’ the wife replied – ‘Cook my socks’ !!!!

I would assume not - Besides, the Neville Stand would be more at home at Small Heath