Hev

I answered the first one but the second one appeared to be asking me for money - I probably have misread it then.

Depressing - every one else gets sold quickly and quietly - but not us Someone said on the relegation thread that Portsmouth would probably be above us - that is really sad and just sums us up :cry:

Oi I'm off to the Isle of Man in a couple of weeks or so for a short break. I love it over there.

Actually, looking at it again, it isn't one of the lower scoring categories at all :oops:

I'm saying nothing but my vote has been registered in one of the lower scoring categories !

Thought some of you might like this one (just gone round work on e mail - not quite sure why it is "Amish" particularly though):- The Amish Hand Warmer > > > >An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy > >one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are > >freezing cold." > > > >The mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body > >heat will warm them up." > >The daughter did and her hands warmed up. > >The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who > >said, "My hands are freezing cold." > >The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will > >warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. > >The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy > >with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." > >The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm > >it up." He did and warmed his nose. > >The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he > >said, "My penis is frozen solid." > >The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with > >her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a > >penis?" > >Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" > >The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, > >don't they!"

Roadrunner for me too! Love Wil-e-Coyote! I have a little toy Wil-e-Coyote. Loved all his "Acme" equipment. (ooh er, just realised this may sound a bit rude!) :oops:

Did anyone see the story in one of the tabloids today that Birmingham are going to be put up for sale as Sullivan and Golds want out? Not sure what to make of that one - bet if they do put it up for sale, it goes through before anything at Villa.

Well well, I hadn't looked at this thread before today (I thought it was about today's news - as in news in what's going on in the world!!). Anyway, brilliant, I have featured in a few about JPA usually I see. Great stuff, keep it up.

That one about the duck was great. Here's a similar one someone told me today when I told them the duck one:- Reminds me of the one where a chap goes into a bar, pulls a frog from his pocket and says to the landlord - if my frog can do a trick for you can I have a free beer. OK says the landlord. The chap puts the frog on the piano where he plays God save the Queen. Landlord is impressed and gives the chap his drink. Next day chap comes in again and says free drink for another trick. OK says the landlord. This time the man puts his frog on the bar and pulls a hamster from his pocket. The hamster then sings God save the Queen. The landlord is impressed and hands over the drink. A man standing nearby is impressed and offers £100 for the hamster. "Done" says the man and the exchange takes place. The landlord tells the man he's mad selling a singing hamster for £100. Don't worry said the man - the frog's a ventriloquist

A man went to a fancy dress party just in a pair of Y Fronts - when asked what he was supposed to be he said "a premature ejaculation" - cos he had just come in his pants!!!

Daily Mail today (Neil Moxley) has the Headline "Villa Cast Doubt Over Takeover Bid" and says it looks no nearer completion and that Neville's comments were "greeted quizically" inside Villa Park with officials suggseting that if anything the deal is as far away as ever. A club spokesman apparently said "as far as we are concerned, nothing has changed". It also intimates that the group have still to prove to Ellis that they have the funds.

TAKE CARE WITH YOUR CHRISTMAS GIFTS!!! A young man called Dave wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's Christmas present and as they had not been dating for very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time. During the wrapping the shop assistant made a mistake and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note "Dear Maria, I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the longer ones but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart even though they were a little tight on her. She also told me that her pair helps to keep her ring clean and shiny; in fact she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them. I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night." > > > All my love Your Dave P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Bit rude this - but I guess the blokes might like it!!!! Sheila the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on > >> the > >>bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she > >>somehow > >>slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. > >> > >> She yelled out for her husband Bruce. > >> > >> "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in. > >> > >> "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. > >> > >> "Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. > >>I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). > >> > >> They came back and they both tried to pull her up. > >> > >> "No way. We can't do it." > >> > >> Cobba said, "Lets try Plan B." > >> > >> "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that?" > >> > >> "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles > >> under > >>her" replied Cobba. > >> > >> "Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play > >> with > >>her tits." > >> > >> "Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that > >> mate?" > >> > >> "No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can > >> > >>slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive." :oops: (This just went round work!!!)

I thought St James Park was very disappointing - no big screens or anything, just dull grey seats as well and the away supporters are just tucked away in a little corner high in the sky -nice view from up there though - but NOT of the game (look like little subbuteo characters) - but nice view of the surrounding area!!!. I liked City of Manchester Stadium, Anfield (particularly the Kop) was a lot smaller than I expected and I liked Stamford Bridge - particularly the area around the ground itself - I haven't been to any of the others listed (yet)!

Thing is though SKP has only scored ONE in the Premier - JPA scored 0 in the Premier - they have both scored plenty in pre-season - so SKP is the saviour judged on one game in the Prem this season is he - whilst JPA is the antichrist on the same judgment??? NEITHER of them should be judged on the first game surely?

Yes, some people do love Angel maybe TOO much but boy oh boy, do some people hate him with a passion as well! Why is that, how can he be so disliked by certain people. He plays no worse than many others in the team at times yet he seems to get the majority of the flack. All the goals that go in against us seem to be JPA's fault - rarely do the defenders get any stick - Mellberg, boy, nobody EVER gives him grief!

I like the model of the claret ones best!

I've met Rantin, PB, JC and Ryu

> Marriage - Part I > A typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the > wedding, he laid down the following rules: > > > 1). "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at the time I want and > I don't expect any hassle from you. > > 2). I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that > > I won't be home for dinner. > > 3). I'll go hunting, fishing, drinking and card-playing when I want > > with my buddies and don't you ever complain about it. > > "Those are my rules. Any comments?" > > His new bride replied, "No, that's all just fine with me. But please > understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night . > whether you're here or not." > > (DAMM SHE'S GOOD!) > > ************************************ > Marriage (Part II) > > Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th > wedding anniversary! > > The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone > that reads: > > "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " > > "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone > that reads: > > "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last" > > (HE ASKED FOR IT!) > ***************************** > > Marriage (Part III) > Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast > table. > Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed > either," > and storms out of the house. > > After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends > and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the > irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" > > She says, "I was in bed." > > "In bed this early, doing what?" > > "Getting a second opinion!" > > (YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!) > ****************************************** > > Marriage (Part IV) > > A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so > proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of > Six" in spite of her objections. > > One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go > home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. > He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' > > His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts > back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." > > (RIGHT ON, LADY!) > ************************************** > > Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment > > A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were > giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized > that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM > for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to > break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, > >"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. > > The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and > he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his > > wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. > > The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." > > Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. > God may have created man before woman, but there is always a > rough draft before the masterpiece.

Never try to outsmart a woman! There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die. I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to cl ose the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and the rolled it away.. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!? "I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Not so sure about that because it seems that the 4th placed team will get the 4th spot - even if Liverpool were to win so they will have to be going all out to get 4th place I would have thought - unless 4th spot is secured by Everton by then of course, then I would agree - although our chances are surely gone now anyway! I'm going to Liverpool - was looking forward to it before Sunday's shambles!

JPA for me of course

Roy Aitken also said that DOL was a bit annoyed with JPA and that's why he didn't want to do the press conf but, yes, that DOL has told JPA he wont be taking any more pens this season. Oh well, that's that sorted then. Understandable in some ways I guess but in other ways, not exactly the way to build confidence either but I guess the good of the team as a whole has to be put before the good of the player's confidence - Hope JPA responds in the right way now. To think, he hadn't missed a pen before he came to Villa either (so I understand)

Hope this one hasn't been posted before:- At the end of a tiny deserted bar in Liverpool is a huge scouser bloke 6-feet, 5-inches tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man minces in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over he whispers, "Do you want a blow job?" At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the parking lot and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened. Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that," he says. "Just what did he say to you?" "I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."