rjw63 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villadevon Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ralphy. He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.' The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.' Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?' The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.' To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.' LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2) Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. 'Why?' asks the father? 'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY. 'But that's right!' says his dad. 'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'' 'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father. 'That's what I said!' LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.' Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.' LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!' The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.' Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!' LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.' 'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. 'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.' She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY. 'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'' LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.' Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.' The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?' Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 A tramp walks into a jewellers, puts his hands down his trousers and starts fingering his arsehole. The sales assistant shouts at him 'Stop what you're doing and get out!' The tramp says 'You want to make your **** minds up, you've a sign on the window says come inside and pick your ring in comfort.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Women eh! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise but they won't take it up the arse cause it 'hurts'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 A couple want to have a bash at anal sex, but the woman decides to play it safe and seek medical advice first. "Anal sex is perfectly safe," says her doctor, "as long as you take it slowly at first and use plenty of lubricant. And you take care not to get pregnant, of course." "What?" says the woman incredulously. "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" "Certainly," replies the doc. "Where do you think small heath fans come from?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Me and the wife were trying roleplay in the bedroom last night. She walked out in a huff after 30 seconds. Apparently, asking your wife to pretend to be your daughter isn't very sexy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingerlad Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 I went to Blockbusters to borrow "Slumdog Millionaire". When I got home I noticed there was a picture of Jade Goody on the case, so I took it back. The guy in the shop said "Sorry, I thought you asked for 'Some dog missing hair.'" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 My son was watching me have breakfast and smiled and said, "Dad, one day I want to be just like you." "What a Fireman?" I replied. "No," he answered. "I just want to **** mum." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 I was raised a Catholic, and the most annoying thing about going to church was all the standing up, sitting down, and kneeling. I wish the priest could've just picked a position and **** me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 What does a Catholic priest have in common with a pint of guinness? Black coat, white collar and you need to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingerlad Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried. "What's the matter?" I asked. "I've got the big C,"he said. "What, cancer?" "No, dyslexia." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snowychap Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 ^I say old bean, I think we've seen this somewhere before!. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingerlad Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 I had a big falling out with my mate the other day because I shagged his ex-girlfriend. To be honest, I think he over-exaggerated how serious it was. She's been dead three years, surely he should have moved on by now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 I was surprised how British Muslims reacted to the Danish cartoons. I thought: "How can you get this worked up about a cartoon?" But then I remembered how angry I was when they gave Scooby Doo a nephew. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 A peadophile stops two 10 year old girls in the forest. He says to them kindly: "Girls I'll give you a sweet each if I can touch your hair." The two girls look at each other and they say fine. He gives them the sweets and strokes their hair. "I'll give you two more sweets, if I can stroke your shoulders." The two girls say fine, he gives them the sweets, and strokes their shoulder. Then he says: "I'll give you two more sweets if I can stroke your backs." The two girls look at each other and one says to the other: "By the time he **** us, we'll be diabetic." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 A ginger kid got knocked down by a lorry outside my house today. Just think - that could've been me. But I can't drive a lorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 A Doctor goes into a hospital ward to see a pregnant lady, who has had terrible stomach cramps and fears for the unborn child... "Well, my dear, there's good news and bad news. We've run some tests and the bad news is that your baby has ginger hair." "Oh no!" she replies. "What's the good news?" The Doctor replies, "It's dead." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Prince Harry doesn't have much luck, does he? His step-dad was a Muslim, his mum died, he got photographed dressed as a Nazi, was caught smoking pot and is now hated by all of Asia. Still, it could be worse; I mean, at least he's not ginger... Ah, right... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 In the wake of the US election, people over here are wondering if Britain is ready for a black Prime Minister. **** that. Neil Kinnock proved that we're not even ready for a ginger Prime Minister. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 A ginger man finds a magic lamp and when he rubs it a genie pops out. "Ah, hell," says the genie, "What do you want?" The ginger says "I want a huge mansion with a thousand rooms and a hundred floors, all made of pure gold" the genie looks at him and says "don't be an idiot, do you have any idea how much gold that would take? that's impossible. pick something else." so the ginger says "I want everyone to stop taking the piss out of my hair colour" the genie says "so this mansion, you want en suite bathrooms?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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