WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[Ikantcpell]

A young man sits down at the bar.

"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.

"I want six shots of Jagermeister," responds the young man.

"Six shots?!" the bartender asks, "Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob," the young man replies.

"Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh on the house," the bartender says.

"No offense, sir," the young man says, "but if six shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will

[Ikantcpell]

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

[Ikantcpell]

Barack Obama finds himself standing at the Pearly Gates.

Angel: STOP!! You may not enter until you name one good deed you have done on earth.

Obama: Well....I was the first black president of the United States of America.

Angel: REALLY!?!?! When did this happen?

Obama: About 12 seconds ago

[Qwpzxjor1]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or

bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed", she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist", the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk".

"I know", she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

[rjw63]

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?" With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. "Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

[rjw63]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98. Two years older than me" she replied. "So you're 96? Hardly worth going home, is it?" he said.

[World_Domination]

The captive Austrian daughters diary has been released,

Monday - Stayed in, got F*ck by my Dad

Tuesday - Stayed in, got F*ck by my Dad

Wednesday - Stayed in, got F*ck by my Dad

Thursday - Stayed in, got F*ck by my Dad

Friday - Stayed in, got F*ck by my Dad

Saturday - Stayed in, got F*ck by my Dad

Sunday - My Dad took me to watch Birmingham City away at Aston Villa, wish I'd of stayed in.

[sbaldie1]

The captive Austrian daughters diary has been released,

Monday - Stayed in, got F*ck by my Dad

Tuesday - Stayed in, got F*ck by my Dad

Wednesday - Stayed in, got F*ck by my Dad

Thursday - Stayed in, got F*ck by my Dad

Friday - Stayed in, got F*ck by my Dad

Saturday - Stayed in, got F*ck by my Dad

Sunday - My Dad took me to watch Birmingham City away at Aston Villa, wish I'd of stayed in.

Loved that

[Ikantcpell]

An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road.

Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.

In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.

At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of sherry. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims,'' may the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.

Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here

[Ikantcpell]

A guy goes to his doctor and says,

"Doc, I have a problem."

"My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday."

"I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says, "You have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor asks, "What happened"?

The man answered, "Nobody showed up

[BOF]

SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF IRONY - Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony. "It was weird," Fullmer said, "I was in London and, like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "great weather, eh?" and I thought "wait a minute, no way is it great weather." Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.

Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future. "I'm like using it all the time," he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them to shit and I said, 'hey, great weather!'"

[rjw63]

A young man went to sea for the first time. After they were out about a week, he began to get horny. He asked his bunkmate, "What do you do for sex on this ship?" The guy told him, "You see that barrel on the bow of the ship?" "Yes." "We'll, you can use it." "How?" "Just go up there and stick your dick into one of those holes and you'll be taken care of." "Man, I don't know about that!" "Okay."

So another few days go by and he's really getting in bad shape. So he goes out to the bow, looks to see if anybody's looking and seeing that there's nobody watching him, drops his pants and sticks his dick in the hole. He's surprised as to how good it feels.

So he goes back to his cabin and tells his buddy about it and the guy says, "I told you so!" He asks him, "How often can I use it?" "As often as you like, everyday except Thursday.""Why not Thursday?" "Because that's your day in the barrel."

[Ikantcpell]

A couple decides to go golfing to the best golf course in their state. While playing, the husband tells his wife to be very careful, as there were many houses along the golf course, but the wife swings her club and breaks one of the windows of the biggest house on the course.

The husband and wife decide to go and apologize to the owner of the house. When they reach the house they find a glass bottle lying on the floor broken into hundreds of pieces. They then find an old man sitting in a rocking chair in the corner.

"I am a genie and I would like to thank you for letting me free from this bottle,” the old man says, “and I would like to grant you two wishes, but the third wish is mine."

The husband thinks about it for a moment and says, "I want a private aircraft for myself."

The wife says, “I would like a house in every single country in the world.”

The genie agrees and says, "For the past 200 years I have not had sex and I would like to have sex with your wife."

The husband agrees and the genie takes the woman upstairs and begins having sex with her.

Once they are done, he rolls over and asks the woman, "How old is your husband?"

"47," she replies.

”Wow,” the man says, shaking his head, "And he still believes in genies?"

[Ikantcpell]

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach.

The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mother says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mother says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

[Ikantcpell]

A substitute teacher walks into the classroom and on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Poole has got the biggest tool in the whole damn school!"

She yells, "Who is Jimmy Poole?"

This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Poole."

"Well, Jimmy, you’re staying after school!"

The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and written on it, it says, "PAYS to ADVERTISE

[BOF]

Try saying: "Whale Oil Beef Hooked" without sounding like an Irish man swearing

[rjw63]

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder." I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a **** good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

[rjw63]

A baby was born so advanced in development that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Why, yes, I am," said the doctor. The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes, dear, I am," said the mother beaming. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father proudly answered. The baby motioned him closer, and then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. "**** hurts, doesn't it?"

[rjw63]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... two days... and then three days.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "Okay, I give up. Where's the **** ship?"

[villab0y]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... two days... and then three days.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "Okay, I give up. Where's the **** ship?"

The old un's are the best!!