LancsVillan

CV's lunchtime antics don't go down well at work

BOF cannot wait for eurovision

Living in 2006 YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when... 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself. Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to. (yes I know these come around all the time but it made me laff)

OF and Malc's favourite pasttime revealed Are you watching Mr Erris Jez accepts award with humility More from OF - a Honda concerto in Morris Minor

A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the Bird's' chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so Sorry, your duck has p assed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any Testing on him or anything. He might just be i n a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned A few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind Legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck From top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook His head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly And strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said , "I'm sorry, but as I said, this Is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in s hock, took the bill. "£150!", she cried - "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry." "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150." .

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the Table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks. Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big hair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!,"he roars. Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and y ells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? * It was Momma Bear who got up first, * It was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, * It was Momma Bear who made the coffee, * It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, * It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, * It was Momma Bear who set the damn table, * It was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, And, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your g rumpy presence, listen good, cause I am only going to say this one more time. 'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!

Little Billy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Billy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Billy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Billy, of course, thought he did. Billy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Billy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter. LETTER 1: Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Billy. Billy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over. LETTER 2: Dear God, This is your friend Billy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Billy. Billy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again. LETTER 3: Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Your friend, Billy. Billy knew he could not send this letter to God either. Billy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Billy's mother thought her plan had worked because Billy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said. Billy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Billy began to write his letter to God. LETTER 4: I'VE GOT YOUR MUM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE **** BIKE.

Lancs in poor plug for AJ's cause

I went to the cash machine first thing this morning and there was this little old lady who asked me to check her balance for her, so I pushed her and she fell over.

excellent cheers

aw rev no premissiong to view here

lancs not the only one struggling with his widthit seems

bloody webcams

some crackers today Mystic meg went screaming over my head though

I keep seeing this worst start thing - how long is the start to a season? This season August and September's League results Aston Villa 2-2 Bolton 13-08-2005 Man Utd 1-0 Aston Villa 20-08-2005 Portsmouth 1-1 Aston Villa 23-08-2005 Aston Villa 1-0 Blackburn 27-08-2005 West Ham 4-0 Aston Villa 12-09-2005 Aston Villa 1-1 Tottenham 17-09-2005 Chelsea 2-1 Aston Villa 24-09-2005 W 1 D 3 L3 (2 against previous season's 1-2)[/code] [code]2002/03 August and September's League Results Aston Villa 0-1 Liverpool 18-08-2002 Tottenham 1-0 Aston Villa 24-08-2002 Aston Villa 1-0 Man City 28-08-2002 Bolton 1-0 Aston Villa 01-09-2002 Aston Villa 2-0 Charlton 11-09-2002 Birmingham 3-0 Aston Villa 16-09-2002 Aston Villa 3-2 Everton 22-09-2002 Sunderland 1-0 Aston Villa 28-09-2002 W 3 D 0 L5 with a defeat against the previous season's runnersup, though losing against the side only bettered in being shite by their latest version too one game more and two points

add in the year as director of football .... ;-)

Don't think you'll find anyone who does Mart. And if they do then there's a good chance they are in school at this time

The fact that it IS actually a worse season statistically doesn't help matters either! that's the thing with stats you can switch em around all over the place to make things worse better. I know we've been poor at home yet lost the same number of games but better away winning not drawing games. With 3 games left we are 3 goals worse in the FOR column yet already worse in the against column. Then there's the opposition thing that year the top 3 had 83 - 79 and 69 pts at the end of the season and they've already got 88 - 79 and 73 this with games left. Comparing seasons using the stats alone is tricky. For me the overall football from this whole season is better than that I saw in 2002/03. The number of poor performances is too many, then again so is 1. But overall that season we were worse than this

Agree entirely with that. The pre-season expectations being so much higher makes it seem so bad.

agree with you on Gerrard but sorry Ronaldinho is a level above Henry

bill sees where he went wrong

Ha ha

see Chris got his vote in early

the search for a replacement keeper expands CATCH West Mids finest in band practice for Sunday

ianrobo1 gets a surprise from internet purchasing