Olejniker

Hey, but Barry thinks he's okay ...

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?" Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

A little girl and her mother were out and about. Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older." The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up." The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now." The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her friend about her and her mother's conversation. Her friend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything." Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again. The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old." The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?" The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds." "Where did you learn that?" The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "They're up in bed." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "Where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "They're still up in bed." Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "Where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "They're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here?" The little boy replied, "Well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

^^I didn't get that joke at all. I've got one: A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so." "Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake." He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

I believe we do have money to spend. It's just that MON fo some odd reason doesn't want to go for quality players. Before people criticize me about how naive I am, thinking it's easy to get in good players, well, other clubs have done so. Man City, a club in a similar situation as us got Petrov. Birmingham, got in McFadden and Zarate, a damn fine player, on loan. And Bolton, a club fighting for relegation, got in Steinsson, a right-back in the January Transfer window, who has turned out to be bloody good. Even Derby for God's sake got in Lauren Robert. Anyway, as many as said, there are so many right-backs in the world, and MON can't find any suitable ones to play for us? Nonsense. Absolute nonsense. The reason why we have no established Right-Back is not because there are few quality ones available. It's entirely down to MON.

Exactly. This may be the only time Newcastle are so close to relegation. It's not often that all the cards fall into place so nicely to allow a 'big' side to slip through the trapdoor. If they don't do down this year, I don't expect them to go down any time sooner. Whereas with Blose, they'll always be tinkering with relegation. And eventually, after a run of 3 or 4 years in the league will go back down.

Ahh...Follett. I liked Code to Zero and The Third Twin. He uses plenty of expletives though ... This is the first one of his I've read, and of course it's totally unlike the rest of his stuff, being mediaeval and all that. It's OK so far, but a bit erm, unchallenging. Don't know if I'll finish it. You shoud try reading The Third Twin. Plenty of twists and turns in the plot. As good as Ludlum at his best.

Ahh...Follett. I liked Code to Zero and The Third Twin. He uses plenty of expletives though ...

Loose boxers are quite uncomfortable. You need some support or it 'hangs'. It's a very unpleasant sensation.

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course where the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the World laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your feckin' bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes... The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus " bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting; so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... And I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus, because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found out that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! JESUS CHRIST, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a"sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii; so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... Why even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared; so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

The day finally arrives; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are short, but you have to pass them before you can get Into Heaven. Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. Here is the First: What days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's name?" Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- how many days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow. The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer." How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd.... "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure." Forrest replied, "Everyone knows his name is Andy Howard". "Andy Howard?!" exclaimed an exasperated St. Peter. "OK, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy Howard as the name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song and the prayer. "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME, I AM HIS OWN...... "OUR FATHER IN HEAVEN, HOWARD BE THY NAME" St. Peter opened the gate and said: "Run, Forrest, Run"

? I don't really look into the mirror in the morning. I'm not that fussy about my looks. And as for wondering whether I'm the antichrist, I'm pretty sure I'm not it. I have absolutely no intention of sitting in the Temple of Jerusalem and declaring myself God. The difference between Michael and the Pastors in my church is that my pastors don't claim to be God. And they don't claim to have divine messages from God to sleep with another woman who's not thier spouse. Besides, their messages and sermons come straight out of the Bible. Yes I have, but the incompetency of politicians is an entirely different matter.

Terry, do you not feel that in order to change the world, you have to be in it, rather than isolated from it? How can you expect to influence society when you're not in it? I've been meaning to ask this question for a while. Terry, have you ever consiodered the possibility that Michael might be a false prophet/the anti-christ, or have you had total faith in him this whole time?

The disconcerting but about this whloe thing is that the 'new messiah' is supposed to sleep with women. Sounds a bit like Rasputin if you ask me. I'm no expert on the Bible, but I've studied it(through the Disciple course) and the only incident I can remember when God actually wanted someone to have sex with someone apart from thier spouse was in the Old Testament, when Judah's first son died, and his second refused to sleep with his deceased brother's wife in order to perpuate his borther's line of descadents. God struck him dead. In the Old Testament, customs were very different, and sometimes sex with your daughter-in-law, or even daughters was inevitable. For example, Lot and his daughters and Judah and his daughter-in-law. Polygamy was part and parcel of Israel's cultural landscape at that time, and it was alright and expected for men to have sex with many women, in order to have a long line of descadents. But God's original intention was for men to have only one partner, one spouse, and one person he/she will have sex with. In Genesis, it is already mentioned that it is for this reason(marriage) that men will leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife to become One Flesh. One Flesh, not multiple fleshes. This is also repeated in Paul's letter to the Ephesians. Terry, you mention that God asking Michael to have sex with his daughters is akin to that of Abram(Abraham) being asked to sacrifice his son. No disrespect inteneded, but I think that's quite farfetched. Abraham's was a test of faith and God was never going to let Abraham live with the guilt of killing his son, and the act of sinning(commiting murder). I really don't see the similarities between a test of faith and incest. You might say God commanded Michael to have sex with his daughter in law, but I honestly don't think this is the case. I see you've split up with your wife. As a believer of God's word, surely you know the importance of our relationships with our wives. I don't mean to sound preachy, but you really should get back together. As for Michael, I personally don't know the guy. Heck, I haven't even watched this documentary. But after ascertaining the facts, it is my belief that he is one of the many false prophets that the Bible prophesized of. He may even be the anti-christ for all I know. While I understand your disdain for the Church, Terry, which I agree has many flaws, substituting it for a 'cult' IMO isn't a wise thing to do. On a final note, I'm just a regular guy, who supports Villa, gets frustrated with MON, and has a cruddy 9 to 5 job like the rest of you. But I believe in God and am pretty sure that Michael Tressenver(or whatever his name is) isn't a reincarnation of Christ.

I think Boro has to be at least commended for their work on the academy front. They have quite a decent academy, and are one of the few clubs to 'grow' their own players, along with Villa and Man City, I think the game will not be as straight forward as most of us on here think. Tuncay is a very dangerous player - He has good technique, and when he gets out wide, can easily 'do' his defedner and put in a good cross. Downing is an on-off player, but when he's on, he's brilliant, and can produce quality crosses. With our shoddy defence and Carson's confidence shattered, I expect we will concede at least a goal. I think it will be 1-1, but hope it will be 2 or 3-1.

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem : the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were onboard. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the **** parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days...and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...... "OK, I give up. Where's the **** ship?"

Xmas is not a religious event. Christmas is. There's this whole "culture" of Christmas that frankly isn't really close to what the original is suppossed to be. So Aethists don't celebrate the fact that Jesus was born. They celebrate the good food, the gifts and everything that comes with the "culture" of Christmas. Same too with Easter, and all other major religious festivals. There's nothing wrong with Aethists celebrating religous events at all. And as for Christening the kids, it keeps the missus happy and somewhere in the back of each parent's mind is the thought that if their kid is Christened, he/she won't turn out so bad. Its not so much of a religious thing, these so-called religious acts/events that Aethists go through. Its an integral part of the culture of a society, and they shouldn't be criticized for that.

We actually have a much better defence than Spurs. People say they rather have Ledley King because he's less injury-prone, compared to Laursen. That's bullshit. Ask any Spurs fan and they'll tell you they're quite fed up with King always getting injured. He was injured for much of last season and the season before, so I don't see how he's less injury-prone than Laursen. And Laursen is by far the better defender, so on what basis would one prefer King over Laursen? The only defender that Spurs have that I would take is Chimbonda, basically because our RB position is so short of quality. Bouma is better than Bale as it stands, and probably will be for the next 2-3 years, until Bale fulfills his 'potential'. So, to say that Spurs have a better defence than us presently, is complete and utter bollocks.

Trust me, it will. There's a large amount of anti-spurs sentiment around here.

Sissoko is reportedly available due to Rafa's claering-out sale, and all of a sudden, there's this big argument about whether Sissoko is a good midfielder or not. FFS, who cares? He's not even coming here, I assure you.

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing. "What's wrong with you?" she asked him. "Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison." Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember. So?" "Well...I would have gotten out today!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You b*strd!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You b*strd!" The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that b*strd, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went to the Convenience Store to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said, "Just a minute." And walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?" Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, it was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" I said, "I sure did." And held up my thumb to show her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that gay s.hit in our garden" she said. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. He asked, "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee. "Yes dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks.................... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

We won't sign Yakubu this summer. I assure you of that. We would be daft to do so. He's got the ANC next year, so, if we do get him, he won't feature for two months of our campaign, and who knows, he may also pick up a knock at the tournament, so its not really wise to purchase African players this summer.

James Beattie anyone?