rjw63 Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Ans so you should, Rusty :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rodders Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Manchester City have sold Shaun Wright-Phillips to Madonna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wol. Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 Two beekeepers meet at a conference. One asks the other: "How many bees do you keep?" "I've got 3 hives, in all I've got around 50,000 bees" answered his colleague. "So how many bees have you got?" the second beekeeper inquires. "Oh, about a million or so" "A Million?! How many hives do you have?" "Just the one" "You've got a million bees in one hive?" "Yeah. **** 'em, they're only bees" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimmie Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 Jade Goody has been portrayed by the media as a heroine for raising awareness about cervical cancer, in spite of the fact that she forgot to have a smear test. Last year, I forgot to turn off an unlit oven before leaving for work. The ensuing explosion killed my hubby and three children. Was I portrayed by the media as a hero for raising awareness about gas safety? Was I ****. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimmie Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 Finding her young son scooping ice cream in the kitchen, a mother raged, "Dinner is going to be ready soon. Put that ice cream away and go and play." "But mum" wailed the child, "There's no one to play with." "OK," said the mother wearily, "I'll play with you. What do you want to play?" "Lets play mummy and daddy. You go upstairs and lie on the bed." So the mother went upstairs and lay on the bed. The boy put on his father's fishing hat, lit up one of his cigars, went upstairs and opened the bedroom door. Seeing him standing there, the mother asked,"Now what do I do?" The boy answered, "Get your ass out of bed you whore and fix that kid some **** ice cream!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimmie Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 Quasimodo comes down from his bell tower after many years. He keeps a low profile in the shadows of the Notre Dame's town square and thinks to himself, "it's been years I've been up in that bell tower. I could do with a bloody good shag." So off he goes to the whorehouse in a back street and asks the madam on the door, "I've been up in that bell tower for many years and I could do with a bloody good shag." The madam says, "well, you've come to the right place, the black lady through the door to the right is fifteen francs." "Ah," says Quasi, "I'm afraid I only have ten francs." "Well, for ten francs you get the white lady through the door to the left." So he pays his money, goes through the left door and comes out again moments later, completely satisfied. Several years later, after being up in the bell tower for many years, he comes down through the shadows in to the town centre. "You know what?" he thought to himself "I could do with a bloody good shag, and this time I have 15 euros." So off he goes to the same whorehouse he went to years previous. On his way there, he spots a young boy, hideously disfigured with a hunch on his back, dragging one of his feet behind him. Quasi goes to the boy and says to him, "excuse me, young man, how old are you?" "I'm nearly 5 now," says the boy, as he looks up to Quasimodo. "Excuse me," says the young boy, "is it possible you could be my father?" "I suppose so, it was around 5 years ago I last came down from my bell tower." "How could you do this to me, father? Look at me: I'm hideous, I have a lame leg, I have a hunch and all the people point and shout names at me. How could you bring such a creature in to the world?" "Well, thank your lucky stars, son. If I had another five francs, you'd have been black as well." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 I started writing poetry the other day: POETR That's coming along nicely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 I recently started sleepwalking. It coincided with my wife 'finding' me in bed with her sister. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 Has anyone else noticed that "Maddie" is an anagram of "I'm dead"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 Diamonds will render her speechless. But so will your cock in her mouth without spending £10,000. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 The best things about necrophilia? Apart from the grip somebody has already brought the flowers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 A ginger kid got knocked down by a lorry outside my house today. Just think - that could've been me. But I can't drive a lorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 What do you call a ginger at a party? Unwelcome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 This ginger kid came up to me and asked me if I could give him 40p for the phone box, as he had to call a friend. I said to him, "here's 80p, you might as well call them all." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 A ginger bloke at work fell into the industrial meat mincer this week. Took us **** ages to find the on switch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 My ginger daughter was posing in front of the mirror the other day. She said, "How do I look?" I said, "Just think yourself **** lucky you're blind!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimmie Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 Ten things men know about women: 1. They have a vaginal opening. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. Oh, and tits! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimmie Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 What do women call masturbation? Finishing the job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 Ten things men know about women: 1. They have a vaginal opening. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. Oh, and tits! Nah, tits would be two, and "back doors" at three ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimmie Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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