rjw63 Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 A bloke applies for a job with the West Midlands Police. Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen! Just one further test: Take this gun, go out, and shoot 6 blacks, 6 Muslim's & a rabbit". Bloke replies "Why the rabbit?" Inspector replies, "Fantastic attitude... you've got the job!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Zebo, a half blind five year old South African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars ...........................................and we'll send you the video, it's **** hilarious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acwilliams Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 A group of mates are sitting at a bar discussing problems. "My wife has cut me down to one shag a week", said one upset looking man. "Cheer up mate", said his friend "She's cut some of us out completely" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justin Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 A Bloke walks into the psychiatric ward of a hospital to visit his sick mate. He finds him sat up in bed, pretending he is driving his car and making loud engine noises. "What are you doing?" asks the visitor "I'm driving my Ferrari!" exclaims the patient The bloke says "But mate,there's no Ferrari there" Just then the man in the next bed shouts out "Shut up, you idiot! He gives me seven quid a week to clean that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acwilliams Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 My therapist says that I've got a preoccupation with vengeance; we'll see about that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taylo Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Bloke walks into the doctors "Doctor doctor I feel like a pair of curtains" " that's the least of your worries because you've got aids" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kingphil Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 ^^^^ I'm sure the doctor would have first said - 'Pull yourself together' Doctors are never that blunt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Two female friends had gone out for a girls' night out, and had been decidedly overenthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, “These damn girls' nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.” “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between her ass cheeks that said, ‘From all of us at the fire station, We'll never forget you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 A fellow’s wife was very worried about her husband’s heavy drinking and one night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the pub. It was not long before he came staggering along, and out she jumped from behind a headstone. “Ooooooo!” she wailed, “I am the devil!” Her husband sticks out his hand. “Put it there, pal,” he says, “I’m married to your sister.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 A couple of friends were playing a round in a rather remote course in the tropics of North Australia. After several holes one needed to relieve himself, so he walked into the rough, dropped out his thing and began to pee. Alas, as he was in mid-stride, an enormous snake slid up and bit his thing. The man screamed for help, and when his friend came told him what happened and asked him to get help. His friend ran back to the clubhouse, saw the doctor, and asked what could be done. The doctor told him to treat snake bites you make a small cut where the bite is, then suck until all the poison comes out. After thanking the doctor he ran back to his friend. When he was back the friend asked, "What did the doctor say?" His friend replied, "Sorry pal, you're going to die Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 A fellow’s wife was very worried about her husband’s heavy drinking and one night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the pub. It was not long before he came staggering along, and out she jumped from behind a headstone. “Ooooooo!” she wailed, “I am the devil!” Her husband sticks out his hand. “Put it there, pal,” he says, “I’m married to your sister.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "The wall! Watch the **** wall!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mellberg21 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 What do you call a cat? Mittons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied. The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C"s. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No sweetie, it's because you're 25." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sit_Down_Potato_Head Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Q: How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? A: He's dead ! PS - I bet you thought I was going to say "Wi Jammin'" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" Mum replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" Mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" Mum says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" Mum replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?" He says "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline... and I think I gave him my airplane glue." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zak Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 which ones the odd one out, a washing machine, woman, dishwasher or toaster? the toaster coz it doesnt drip when it gets **** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acwilliams Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acwilliams Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Sorry about the double post but: A young girl had been raped and was in court to give evidence. The judge asked her to tell the court precisely what the rapist said immediately before the assault. She said that she was loath to repeat it because she had been taught not to mention such words. The judge agreed to let her write it down for the jury's perusal. As the note passed through the juror's hands, eyebrows were raised. The note read "I'm gonna **** your arse like it's never been **** before, you slag!" One middle-aged lady member of the jury had been having a nap and was woken by the young man next to her and given the note. She read it, smiled, and put it in her handbag! The judge said, "would you mind passing that on for the other members to read?" The woman replied, "you must be **** joking, your honour, this is strictly a personal matter!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 A young girl had been raped and was in court to give evidence. Again I'll ask - where IS Gabby15??? :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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