LancsVillan

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.

"Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the ' There's no Santa' speech.

At 7, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

When I was 8, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech.

An Asian guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and

asked the bank Teller:

"Why it change? Yestoday I get won hunat an five yen fo dallar -

today I get a hunat ?"

The teller says - "fluctuations"

The Chinese guy says "fluc you white guys too"

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish.............................................49

Adventurous....................................Slept with everyone

Athletic............................................No tits

Average looking...............................Ugly

Beautiful..........................................Pathological liar

Contagious Smile.............................Does a lot of pills

Emotionally Secure..........................On medication

Feminist..........................................Fat

Free spirit.......................................Junkie

Friendship first................................Former slut

Fun.................................................Annoying

New-Age.........................................Body hair in the wrong

places

Old-fashioned..................................No BJs

Open-minded...................................Desperate

Outgoing.........................................Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate......................................Sloppy drunk

Professional....................................Bitch

Voluptuous......................................Very Fat

Large frame....................................Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate........................ ....Stalker

DICTIONARY OF WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want..

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY OF MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex ?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said:

"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver just insulted me" she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your dog".

muhaha

caught one, sorry for PFE but gotcha :-)

so at time of posting the winner is those that don't care about the club - bizarre

sorry Irish I cannot see why you put that option.

For me the kit design matters in that it has to be claret n blue. I have liked some of the different ones throughout the years, and I still wear those that fit ;-). It is not a fashion item and i see no difference in support level by those wearing this season's and those wearing the green n black striped Muller shirt.

As for AJ it only matters as every year he needs a new one, so I don't subscribe to the 'ripping off fans' either. I really should let him back on the net.........

Customer: Worcester sauce please mate...

Shop Keeper: Sorry can't its off the shelves, cancer scare.

C: oh right, uh Chinese Chicken Wings?

S: Ah that's the same mate, cancer scare

C: Hamburger Relish?

S: Cancer scare

C: Sausage and Mash?

S: Cancer scare

C: Cottage Pie?

S: Aye, ...no wait, cancer scare.

C: So they're all off the shelves because of a cancer scare?

S: Yup.

C: Jesus, that's mad, just give me a packet of fags then.

S: No problem. £6.50, please.

C: Thanks.

His chance has probably gone now but I think if he was playing alongside a fit DV nobody would be complaining.

if DV had stayed fit he wouldn't have got the number of starts he has had

Juan Pablo Angel

of that list Dion, AJ's coach works at Fleabok and says JJ is one of the most arrogant players he has ever met and the Djorkaeff was a gent

you stalking me :-)

Savo but of those went for the god thatwas Alex Cropley as most others are heroes

smart arses both of you - I quite like the Rock DJ one as in itself it will annoy the condascending music officianados on here and it reflects what the ManU season ticket holders were telling me yesterday that he is 'Ard as nails'

as requested in another thread shall we decide what to call

Eric Djemba-Djemba

on the board as that is far too many letters

you have seven days

JPA 'casual' villa fans will pick the games against big clubs, it happens at the big clubs too. I could let you see the NorthWest noticeboard at work where tickets for ManUre games are offered up for nearly every game except the 'big clubs' strangely enough none ever go on there for our game!

Is it to see the opposition - I think not - I think it is because they want to tsee how we compete against the better opposition, which IMO is different.

Me I'm off to see the opposition next Wednesday coz they are such a big club...... ;-)

thought it was more a case how we remember the good in some and bad in others

don't shoot the messenger ;-)

as an addendum to this poll

Seven years ago today I was stood with fellow Villans in the Darwen End singing

"Are you watching Brian Little" and 'You're not fit to wear the shirt"

More Top Tips From Your Regular Agony Uncle

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing

in the first place, you fat b@stards.

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The

possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.

Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their

noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a

thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of

bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you

over the fence.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange

place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally

to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your

intended destination in the first place.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S., Berwick

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada

Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

Pretend you`re a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to

all, as to your allegiance.

Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them

about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of `rodeo sex`. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by

the wrong name. See how long you can `stay mounted` for.

Drivers. Pressing the headlight switch for a second time dips the buggers.

HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT one.

Steve McQueen drove large parts of the Bullit car scene. And most of the motorcycle riding was done in the Great Escape by him as well. Oh, and if you look carefully, the motorcycle he steels is an ancient pre war BMW. side valve job. As he jumps over the wall, it mysterioiusly turns into a Triumph Bonneville.

some ancient German thing or a true English beauty

that's like saying which would you jump on the queen mum or Princess Di (not now obviously)

but in reality we only 'wasted' £3m as we got back £2m+ but that is why I agree with some (Bigwheels being one of them) that to 'lose' Crouch and get in Cole plus £2m seemed like excellent business, reagrdless of anyone's feelings on loan deals.

and for the record I disagree with loan deals vehemently but if they are part of the game it would stupid not to use them, especially in the way they are meant. Which is to see if a player fits the team, the living arrangements etc

crouch winning so far with 75% of the vote

Esp with the big Sumos and the Sky Sports cheerleaders.

Those Sumo's were hilarious.

I remember the 0-0 draw against Spurs that season, Deano hitting the post twice and having one cleared from over the line (as Andy Gray proved with his action replay machine a few years back by Justin Edinburgh). That was another entertaining game

and that Spurs game was the one where I 'met' blandy for the very first time

those Sumo's were actually Risso and his mate trying to find their seats

agree that goals do not necessarily mean excitement just poor defending ;-)

as requested

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one...

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.

Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...

Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on

my desk... sorry ....

Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill

Gates damn it!

Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?

Customer: Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try

it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in

front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.

Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer?

Customer: No.

Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

Helpdesk: And now hit F8.

Customer: It's not working.

Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?

Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: OK

Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another

keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!

Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter

V as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

A customer couldn't get on the internet.

Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my

computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!

Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?

Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please

tell me how long it will take before you can help me?

Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?

Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4

hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?

LV, Crouch has come on lately. He is now the handful in the air that we wanted him to be at Villa.

yeah against Northampton he was impressive :? :wink: