LancsVillan

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and

young nun Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water

and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at

Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do

whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how

the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been

saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked

the old nun.

"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked

me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided

my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord

keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that

if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven

would be opened to me and I would be assured of

salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John

guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the

pathway to salvation was often painful and that the

glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy.

And it did, it felt so good being saved."

That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me

it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40

years!

on the nun theme

nun in the morning

nun in the afternoon

nun in the evening

and nun at night

it's not funny it my sex life

not PC but ..........

At a small airport in the Texas panhandle three strangers await their planes.

One was a Native American, another a local ranch hand and finally an Arab student. To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The Native American looks silently out the window. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds across the plains and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes.

Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks:

"Once my people were many, now we are few."

The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward. "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is? "

The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet."

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at

the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at

0800.

The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The

Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant

about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole

line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men

march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed

up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're

really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of

Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of

small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,

wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package

between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of

hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry,"

he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you

misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday". "Your job is to give

Elmo two test tickles".

Ducks

A man walked into a quiet bar. He carried three ducks, one in each hand

and one under his left arm. He placed them one beside the other upon the

bar. He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with the barman.

The barman was surprised, but experienced and had learned not to ask

people about animals they bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks. They

chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had

to go to the toilet. He left the ducks on the bar. The barman was alone with the

ducks. There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another.

The barman decided to break the ice and try to make a little

conversation.

What's your name?" he asked the first duck.

"Huey," replied the first duck.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day!

What else could a duck want?", said the duck.

"Oh. That's nice," said the barman. Then he said to the second duck,

"Hi. And what's your name?"

"Dewey”, came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?” he asked.

Great, lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in and out of puddles all

day myself. If I had the chance to have another day like today, I'd take

it!” said the duck in reply.

So the barman turned to the third duck and said,

"So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, "my name is Puddles. And don't even ask what kind of day

I've had!"

very good RR ROFLMAO

But the round one was introduced under Doug Ellis. Anybody that likes it is a sell out.

Bring back the plain Blue Lion!!

yes I'd agree with the latter bit - oh I already did higher up.

Can anyone remember - where is John Lerwill? - the dates we've changed the crest and any reasons why?

reasons other than egotistical chairmen wanting to of course

round one of the two on this - much like the badge that has just been re-introduced which is a shame as I've lovingly kept mine for 20 odd years :-)

of them all then just the Lion on it's own with no crest and our motto would be best

as requested

main sponsors, Walkers, have decided to cash in on the

publicity of the footy team's recent trip to Spain and are releasing a

new range of crisps, which they hope will prove popular. These are,

assault and vinegar, ready assaulted, pokey bacon, sleaze and onion,

gang-roasted chicken and porn cocktail...

cheers Rob - that killed another 10 mins

Toffo's - lost two teeth to them and three to chocolate eclairs

Jublee's - oh do I remember them. Stopping footie and cricket matches every summer holiday for half an hour while we all struggled with how to open them

space dust - great shout and yes Cabana were that bar, used to get one on my paper round (Allbutt's in Headless Cross, Redditch) which might explain my liking for choccie these days

backtracking a little Mint Cracknell where they the ones that exploded in your mouth and were re-launched a bit back as Wonka's summat or other?

Not seen a Bournville bar for years, ever since getting me mum one for mother's day in fact with my pocket money

"Lolly Gobble Choc Bomb"?

I used to feel a right tit asking for that :-)

and now you#re older you have to pay a lot more too

some of those old bars were class

what happened to the other- please specify option as well? Mod please edit as I can't

Bounty for me -and yes as I'm on a diet this will pay with my mind.

only alcohol this week was one pint with Paul B to celebrate after the Youth Cup game

inspired by the flake adverts!

Allback for the goal v sunderland

where's the option for "His resignation letter"

don't need to have a winner like that - British politics works the same way :-)

Mine has only got one vote so far

I'll change my vote IF/ when he comes through on the signed photo for Aston ;-)

can the 'other' voters come on and specify please?

oh mine will be surprise to you - JPA