LancsVillan

Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a

completely

different meaning to parents in a family...

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to

have

sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.

DEFENCE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let

the

children play outside.

DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.

DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance

apart

to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the

strained

carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even

though

they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labour is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do

everything we

say.

LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you

scream

it.

OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry

shoes.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and

to

your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that

children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset

the

children.

THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one

bed.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pyjamas.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to

make

those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".

excellent Rev

and the boggies are winning hands down

An old, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday

evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he

was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked

through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something

very special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and

brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the

jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled

with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man

stated,by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll

write

it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick

the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I

had?"

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet

dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund started chasing

butterflies into the jungle, and before long he was lost.

Wandering about, he saw a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the

obvious intention of having lunch. "I'm in deep trouble now!" the dachshund

thought. Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and settled down

to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dachshund exclaimed loudly, "Boy,

that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?

"Hearing this, the leopard halted his attack in mid-stride, terrified, and

slunk away into the jungle. "Whew," said the leopard., "That was close. That

dachshund nearly got me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby

tree, figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it to the

leopard for protection. So off he went after the leopard with great speed.

But the dachshund saw where he was heading and figured what he must be up

to. The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans and struck

a deal for himself. The leopard was furious at being made a fool of and

said, "Here monkey, hop on my back and watch what happens to that conniving

canine."

Now the dachshund saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and

thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sat

down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hadn't seen them. And

when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund said, "Where's that

monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but

knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the

newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided

to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house

than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot

about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing

very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You

have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into

town an kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. two o'clock and no hired

hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found

the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting

for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she

directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by

her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her

eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told

and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly

pulled them down and off.

and...

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town

again, you're fired."

It is more of a joke that we used to sign those players that played well against us OR goal scoring midfielders that suddenly stop. Of course Rooney would have been a good buy but at that price - NEVER

so we'll sign greening as he had the desire in the heat of a derby :roll:

Sell Angel and get Robbie Keane. I don't even know if I'm being sarcastic anymore....

Hmm sell a good player to buy a mediocre moody sod who keeps getting moved on...........

Subject: A Fisherman's Tale....good one....

A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to

the counter.

The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the

counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound

it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel

and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale

this week for #44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it

dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the

blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted. The man rings up the

sale and says, "That'll be #58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was

on sale for #44. How did you get to #58.50?"

He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are #44, but the Duck Caller is #11

and the Fish Bait is #3.50."

The Little Old Lady

Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the

night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front

porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on

the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney: Did you know him?

Lit tle Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert

died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I

haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney: Wh at happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just

laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defence Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's

when I shot him, the little bastard!

Sadly, Tony was born without ears, and though he proved to be

successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly.

One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he

set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know

and was very interesting, but at the end of the interview, Tony asked him,

"Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears,"

came the reply.

Tony did not appreciate his honesty and threw him out of the

office.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better

than the first guy. But he asked her the same question:

"Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."

Tony again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. Mr.

Patel. He was a young Indian man who had recently earned his MBA. He was

smart, he was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the

first two put together.

Tony was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the

same question:

"Do you notice anything different about me?"

Much to his surprise, the young man answered,

"Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"

Tony was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant

person.

"How in the world did you know that?", he asked.

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and

replied,

"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!!"

McNaught v Regis

Todd v Stanley the dogger

Stanley the Dogger v Stan the left back

Olly v Ljungberg 2 I want to see

until someone moves it eh Risso

october 66

don't get it up here but it was shite when I lived in redditch 20plus years ago

sorry cannot be alllowed due to inflammatory nature of material.

McGrath I understand the link but HDE OBE hasn't killed anyone, just their dreams

LOCKED

QUICK-THINKING KIDS

Kids in school think quickly ....and will make you laugh as long as they aren't yours!

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA : Here it is!

TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS : Maria!

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?

FRANK : Because of the sign.

TEACHER : What sign?

FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : John, why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?

JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

TEACHER : No, that's wrong

GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!

TEACHER : What are you talking about?

DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE : Me!

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?

GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

MILLIE : I is...

TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."

MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?

TINO : Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!;

__________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD : A teacher.

Needs to be called Why we must beat Birmingham City....if you call them Vermingham or Small Heath, it won't get on their NewsNow and you won't get any bites.

plus doing the others is stooping to their level

it's just another game for three points

and as WE WILL WIN it is a mere stepping stone on our march to 7th (which as it is one place higher than our 'average' is great :evil: and UEFA cup glory next season

If I have sent this to you before I can only apologise - I can't remember

!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention

Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall

table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the

trash can under the table, and notice that the rubbish bin is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out

the rubbish first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I

take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only

one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk

where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the

Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put

it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on

the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading

glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going

to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container

with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be

looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on

the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where

it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels

and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was

planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't

paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the

flowers aren't watered, there is still only one cheque in my

chequebook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm

really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm

really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some

help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you

know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

********************************************************

Lufthansa Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it could affect the flight trim."

********************************************************

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

********************************************************

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

********************************************************

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

********************************************************

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

********************************************************

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

********************************************************

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

********************************************************

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite.

********************************************************

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

********************************************************

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

********************************************************

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said: "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

********************************************************

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."

********************************************************

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

********************************************************

On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you are going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

********************************************************

"Last one off the plane must clean it.

********************************************************

From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!

********************************************************

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault...it was the asphalt!"

********************************************************

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

********************************************************

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

********************************************************

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

********************************************************

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

********************************************************

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

that's it for tonight

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have s*x without letting their children in on it.

They decided on the word "typewriter."

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."

The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

______________________________

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.

Red sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

____________________________

A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had s*x with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had s*x with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. Very well,"

says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in green sits with her legs slightly spread apart.> The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies: "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

_____________________

A woman standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband "I look, horrible, fat and ugly...can you please pay me a compliment?"

The husband replies....." Well your eyesight's spot on...."

TWO women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him.

She then asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is

to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I'll know them." Tired of his

boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and

Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in

for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave

Cruise's house, he tells Ian that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just

lucky.

No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions

him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way

to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of

coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After

they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who

again implores him to name anyone else.

"The pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long

time."

So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in

Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the

Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so

let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough,

half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time

Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is

surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came

out on the balcony and the man next to me said,

"Who the f*#k's that on the balcony with Dave?"

THE DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN LIVING IN THE HIGHLANDS "Our First Winter"

DEC 20th

It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 24th

We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.

DEC 26th

It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled the driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.

JAN 1st

Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.

JAN 5th

Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work.She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing.Had another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush. That bastard snowplough came by twice today............ Where's that bloody shovel.

JAN 9th

More **** snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater, which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a **** deer on the way to casualty and car was written off.

JAN 13th

**** bastard white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put> on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little words removed next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that carrot so far up the little bastard's arse it'll take a good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the word removed that drives the snowplough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the bastard hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael Schufuckingmacher and buries the **** driveway again.

JAN 17th

Sixteen more **** inches of **** snow and **** ice and **** sleet and god knows what other white shite fell last night.I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick. Can' t move my **** toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more **** snow forecast.

JAN 18th

**** THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO England