LancsVillan

I voted for Highland reared Venison

so you're also known as highland then Seth?

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man ! started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols".

Dont eat meat me

we know ;-)

oh my god vegetables / quorn are winning - thats a surprise

well they are for now until the cavement return from their hard days graftingor in the case of some simply log on again after picking the kids up or looking some papers with numbers on them ;-)

Drat asked so chew on this.......

Two guys both have 9:00 a.m appointments at a vasectomy clinic. A nurse greets them and tells them she has to prep them for surgery and takes them to a private room.

She tells the first guy to take off his clothes and sit on an exam table, which he does. She then takes his manhood in one hand, and begins to masturbate him.

"Whoa!" he says, "What's going on?"

She replies that it is all standard procedure, and that she has to ensure that he has no blockages.

The guy thinks, "How bad can it be?"

So he agrees and allows the nurse to finish her task. Once done, the nurse tells him to go sit down, and repeats the instructions to the second guy. When he is up on the exam table, the nurse gets a big smile on her face, licks her lips, and begins to perform a blow job on him.

Upon seeing this, the first guy says, "Hey, what's this? I get jerked off,and he gets a blow job. That's not fair."

The nurse looks up at the first guy and says, "Sorry,mate. That's the difference between NHS and BUPA."

A young boy goes up to his dad and asks "Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically?"

"Well son," says the boys father "ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds, then ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds, then come and tell me what you've learned."

So the boy asks his mother and she says "Oh yes, I'd be crazy to pass up an opportunity like that." Then the boy asks his sister and she says "Brad Pitt? I'd sleep with him for free. The million pounds would be the icing on the cake."

The boy mulls this over for a few days and then goes to see his father. "So son," says his father "what have you learned?"

"Well, potentially we're sitting on two million quid but realistically we're living with a pair of slappers."

"That's my boy!"

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off."

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"

Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

only one winner for me

A rich white man in North Carolina decided that he wanted to throw a

party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the

only black guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in

the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp,

oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating

gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls

to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a

loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was

fighting the gator and kicking its a*s! Leroy was jabbing the gator in

the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds,

biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some

kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.

Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a

K-mart goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just

staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million

dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.

How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it,"

answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was

amazing.

How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Leroy

said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the muthafucka who pushed me in the pool."

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a

tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by

plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport

in his carry on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked

sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

Mr. Whiting replied, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show

my passport"

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival

in France!"

The American senior gave the French custom officer a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained: "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach

on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find

any fecking Frenchmen to show it to!"

Q. What do you call a Chav in a box?

A. Innit.

Q. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?

A. Sorted.

Q. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?

A. Safe.

Q. What do you call an Eskimo Chav?

A. Innuinnit.

Q. Why are Chavs like slinkies?

A. They have no real use but it's great to watch one tumble down a flight of stairs.

Q. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?

A. The bride.

Q. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?

A. "What you lookin' at?"

Q. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?

A. Paint three stripes on it.

Q. Two chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?

A. The police.

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice even with all his piercing, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes.

But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing, it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter,

Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card which is in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

I know but the sticking up for is as out of synch with reality sometimes as the 'scapegoating'........

It just seems that some players can get stick for little reason ie UDLC. But as some think JPA walks on water it is a crime to say he sinks and gets wet occassionally!

well for me he is keeping his head above water and you forgot to add in Olly who also seems to be above criticism yet he playing equally as poorly as JPA at the moment. And that's the crux of it when our two, widely recognised, best players are off-form it shows

not at all Denis just I think that the reaction to the defeat on Saturday has been totally over the top. The criticism is all well and good until it is not based on his performance on the pitch which some have alluded to.

As for sacrilege to have an opinion about players and whether they should be in the team or not of course not where do you think you are ;-)

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital.

He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,

Great chieftain o the puddin race,

Aboon them a ye take yer place,

Painch, tripe or thairm,

As langs my airm."

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat an we can eat,

So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant,

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,

O the panic in thy breasty,

Thou needna start awa sae hastie,

Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

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"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

where's the option for will be made the scapegoat of the week on VT, moreso if you happen to be our leading scorer for two of the last three seasons?

no it was from the deadball line and SWP stood where he did all game 30 yards out to pick up any scraps so as GB was on the deadball line I cannot blame him for not getting back on that one

then again SWP does that all the time, every game so we should have known about it

This bloke's in bed with his missus when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on

the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half three in

the morning.

Sod that for a game of soldiers, he thinks, and rolls over. Then a

louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife, so

he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and

this bloke is stood outside.

"'Ere mate" says the stranger, "can you give us a push?"

"No, Sod off. It's half three in the morning and I was in bed

asleep," says the man and shuts the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she

says, "Dave, how could you. Remember that night we broke down in the

pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had

to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have

happened if he'd told us to sod off?"

So he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He

opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he

shouts, "Eh mate, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah

please, mate."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

The reply comes: "I'm over here on the swings."

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender

association in the English language. He stated that hurricanes at one time

were all given feminine names and that ships and planes are usually referred

to as "she."

One of the students raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

Not having a ready answer, the teacher divided the class into two groups,

males in one and females in the other, and asked each group to decide

whether a computer should be considered masculine or feminine. Both groups

were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be considered masculine

because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they

ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a

little longer, you could have had a better model.

-------------------------------------------------------

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should be considered

feminine because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is

incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later

retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half

your paycheck on accessories for it.

things a woman can't do...apparently...

1/ Know anything about a car except its colour

2/ Understand a film plot

3/ Go 24 hours without sending a text message

4/ Lift

5/ Throw

6/ Run

7/ Park

8/ Read a map

9/ Rob a bank

10/ Sit still

11/ Tell a joke

12/ Play pool

13/ Pay for dinner

14/ Eat a kebab while walking

15/ Argue without shouting

16/ Get told off without crying

17/ Understand fruit machines

18/ Walk past a shoe shop

19/ Make a decent bacon sandwich

20/ Not comment on strangers clothes

21/ Use small amounts of toilet paper

22/ Let you sleep with a hang over

23/ Drink a pint gracefully

24/ Get a round in

25/ Throw a punch

26/ Do magic

27/ Like your friends

28/ Eat a real hot curry

29/ Get to the point

30/ Buy plain envelopes

31/ Take less than 20 minutes in the toilet

32/ Sit in a room for 5 minutes without saying " I'm Cold "

33/ Go shopping without telephoning 20 friends

34/ Avoid credit card debt

35/ Dive into a pool

36/ Assemble furniture

37/ Set a video recorder

38/ Not try change you

39/ Watch a war film

40/ Understand why flirting results in violence

41/ Spend a day by themselves

42/ Go to the toilet by themselves

43/ Buy a purse that fits in your pocket

44/ Choose a video quickly

45/ Fart

46/ Get this far without having argued with at least 1 of the above

Letter form Home Office!

A letter from the Home Office (London, UK), to the People of America:

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your

borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z'

(pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g.

Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires"

e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA.

The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation.

Colewell judging by the comments of others we have to condemn Carlton to the reserves or bench forever because he is a Chelsea player who was interviewed and said nothing wrong. We seem to have ignored the fact that since that interview he said he wanted to stay at Villa full-time. My other thoughts on his current mind set are in another thread

here Here

and were confirmed with Kezman scoring last night

Angel FFS I've seen him labelled a one-season owonder in threads yesterday/today :oops: Yet for me still the best forward player at the club

Luke The second coming let's stick him in against to find out, personally I like the way he is being brought in for 15 - 20 mins in the Prem (one thing was I would have started him Tuesday)

Gabi Why not - greater pace than either of the other three and Evernot are not pacey at the back

Oh and I voted for ...... nothing as it doesn't matter as I reckon DOL has to go with JPA /CC