LancsVillan

The Daily Telegraph recently conducted a poll of male readers to see what

exactly each enjoyed from a blow job.

Seven per cent said they most enjoyed the sensations.

Five per cent confessed their chief enjoyment came from the sense of

domination.

Eighty eight per cent said they really enjoyed the peace and quiet.

Stephen Elliot

the one at Sunderland who scored 15 goals last season, think they'll want to keep him

or did you mean Stuart Elliot at Hull ;-)

hmm Distin-ed to VP (or COMS)

from bbc

Last Updated: Monday, 20 June, 2005, 12:18 GMT 13:18 UK

Everton agree £5m Kroldrup deal

Pere Kroldrup

Kroldrup was a key figure in Udinese's Champions League push

Everton have agreed a £5m deal for Udinese's Denmark international central defender Per Kroldrup.

The powerful 25-year-old was a key figure in Udinese qualifying for the Champions League after finishing fourth in Serie A last season.

Everton manager David Moyes has been in the market for a central defender, with Alan Stubbs yet to sign a new deal.

Moyes was unwilling to pay the £7m asking price for Manchester City's Sylvain Distin and moved for Kroldrup.

The move is subject to personal terms being agreed and a medical.

agree BOF

personally I prefer Philips to Bellamy, in fact I prefer a Philips TV standing on the halfway line to Bellamy being at VP

she was after running away from drat for weeks

yeah good idea - for the next window BW

Unless simon can do something this time, not sure he even looks at this I'll ask him in private

And now Corradi, I recognise the name but know very little about him. This from skysports

isn't that the VW where the fin came up at around 50Mph

PRESBYTERIAN:

When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:

When you rearrange the letters:

MOON STARER

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:

When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:

When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:

When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:

When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:

When you rearrange the letters:

LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:

When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:

When you rearrange the letters:

IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:

When you rearrange the letters

(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):

TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

A woman brought her pet Duck Cuddles who was very limp into her veterinary

surgeon's clinic. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his

stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the

vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has

passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any

testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a

few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner

looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws

on the

examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked

at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and

took it out and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up onto the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird

from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head,

meowed softly and

strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is

most definitely, a onehundred percent certifiably certainty that this is a

dead duck."

The vet then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced

a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"£150 !!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"

"The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill

would have been £20 but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan - it's now

£150.00.

have made the poll run for 14 days onlt. that way we can see how we feel we will do at differnet stages of the summer. Y'know should we sign any other players

we don't know yet do we..... I expect not as DOL wants Cahill to go on loan for another year and Gabi is thought of as requiring further reserve experience. Possibly another for a loan...

On the day of the wedding, Camilla was getting dressed, surrounded by

all Her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any

shoes. Panic! Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes

from her Wedding so she lent them to Camilla for the day.

Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities

were over her feet were in agony. When she and Charles withdrew to their

room, the only thing she could think Of was getting her shoes off. The

rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard

roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional

muffled scream.

Eventually they heard Charles say 'God; that was tight.' 'There,'

whispered The Queen. 'I told you with a face like that she had to be a

virgin!'

Then, to their surprise, they heard Charles say. 'Right. Now for the other

one. 'Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Charles said 'My

God, that was even tighter!"

'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor!

we watched Bowditch a fair bit last season and it was around that time when DOL said he wasn't interested in Bent IIRC

some Peter Kay

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid

problem?

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.

Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and

asked him to forgive me.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go

swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on

with my real ladder.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.

But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may

break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there

on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why

he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd

better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.

My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be

enough.'

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of

meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give

the wrong answers.

Benitez chases £10m Aimar

SNIP

Lets go get him! He would be wicked with JPA :>

I really doubt Aimar knows of the club called Aston Villa, seriously

seeing how one his former colleagues and one of 'The Magic Trio' plays for us I think he will

I know I've just posted conflicting things about South Americans and here's another we should at least try to get

D'Alessandro - I know we've been going on about him on here for ages but it seems he is looking to move to the Premier League, but with Spuds. Surely we should get involved. Spuds have signed about 243 players in 12 months...

Saviola - yes please

as for the Colombians there were a couple that looked good but we have enough South Americans now due to the quota and also losing them for WC games

well tba that does look like a nice formation but does JPA work up front on his own?

smicer is going to france and baros - althought constantly rumoured to be on his way to vp - is headed for valencia

which I reckon will mean aimar at liverpool

Terry as I didn't like the other one

I know it's been mentioned before, but maybe Dean Ashton might be worth a punt if Norwich go down. He's showed he could score goals in the prem and Crewe haven't won a game since he left.

I think he would be a great signing. Big, strong, good finisher, is now proven in the premiership. One slight problem - heard on the radio today that he says he will stay with Norwich if they get relegated.

hmm can't help thinking back to last season and ........

Jon Stead

ligs not saying they don't count but when you compare strikers I feel you need to look at goals from open play, it is those that striker should be getting

yeah lets take both of JPA's pens off his total last season and Shearer's 7 Pens and 4 free kicks!

and yes it should be all strikers need chances

43% of people so far think Ang"hell" will be back to class form next season. Even though the only evidence that he is any good has come from 1 season where he scored more than 20 goals. ONE SEASON out of FOUR/FIVE.

Compare that to "class" strikers who do that EVERY YEAR!

cannot be bothered looking myself but Joe go on tell us exactly which class strikers are getting 20 goals EVERY season

Now discount those that play in the Arse and Man Utd teams leaving

hmm maybe Hasselbaink, how many has he got this season

Shearer - take away the pens and free-kicks and ............

no strikers need chances and we simply don't create enough

The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon

her

return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this time, you

ingrate! Why didn't you write to us? Not even a line to let us know

how

you were doing? Why didn't you call? Don't you know what you put your

Mum

through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad... I became a

prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! You little tramp!

Sinner!

You're a disgrace to

this family. I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxury fur

coat,

title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account

certificate

for #5 million.

For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy, the spanking

new

Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a

lifetime

membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...and an invitation

for

you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera

and...."

"Now what was it you said you had become?" said Dad.

Girl crying again, "Sniff, sniff...a prostitute Dad!..Sniff, sniff"

"Oh, be Jaysus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you

said a

Protestant!! Come here and give your old man a hug!"