A piano player goes to an audition at a very prestigious Jazz club. They are looking for an ultra talented musician and he thinks he fits the bill. He goes into the audition and is met by Dave the bandleader who asks the pianist to play something that he has written himself.
The pianist says "OK, this is called your F***ing mother is a F***ing whore and you are a F***ing w***er!. By the F***ing way, I've got F***ing tourette syndrome"
The bandleader is stunned, however as soon as the pianist starts to play the tune all is forgotten as it's the greatest thing he has ever heard.
"What about another one?" asks Dave
"OK, this one is called "You are such a word removed and every F***ing body in the whole F***ing world hates you, you F***ing F***!"
Again, the tune is absolutely amazing. The bandleader gives the job to the pianist and his first gig is the following night.
The following night the bandleader comes up to the pianist and says "Right, you are on tonight with Rita, she is our new singer" he points over to a stunning blonde bombshell in a skimpy dress who is unbelievably sexy.
"O F***ing K" says the Pianist!
During the first number of the set, the pianist cannot stop looking at the blonde singer and in particular her rather fantastic set (that's tits to those from Dudley!) and eventually he gets a rather uncomfortably large erection which he tries desperatly to conceal.
After the first few numbers he is almost at bursting point so he decides that during the break he must go for a J.Arthur in the toilets.
Just as he has reached the point of no return in the toilets during the break he hears a voice saying "Oi, you've got to get back on stage now. It's time to finish the set!"
He rushes out from the toilet and slumps back onto his seat at the piano feeling rather less amorous as before. Just then the guitarist comes over to him and whispers "Hey, do you know your knob is hanging out and it's got jizz all over the end?"
To which our friendly pianist replies...
"You hum the F***er mate, and I'll play the word removed!!!!"
Ithankyou!!!