LancsVillan

will be 39 on holiday - all inclusive - cue BIG hangover

which thread paddy - I cannot find it that quickly

Trouble is when you get one it leads to an infestation. I see another bubble blower has signed up now.

Michael Jackson's been a member before so beat it........

Comparative Religions:

Taoism = Shit happens

Confucianism = Confucius say, 'Shit happens'

Buddhism = Shit happening is an illusion

Islam = Shit happening is the will of Allah

Zen = What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism = This shit happened before

Protestant = Let shit happen to someone else

Catholicism = Shit happens because you don't work hard enough

Judaism = Why does this shit always happen to us?

Christian Science = If shit happens, pray and it will go away

Atheism = Shit happens for no reason

Agnostic = Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't

Hare Krishna = Shit happens, shit happens, shit-shit happens

Stoicism = So shit happens... I can take it

Scientology = Feces occurs

Rastafarianism = Let's smoke this shit and see what happens

Jehovah Witness = Let us in and we'll tell you why shit happens

Marriage - it's great to be institutionalised :-)

You're determined to kill my passion for life before it starts aren't you!

possibly if I had an idea what you wre going on about :? :shock:

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

old one but still good

If you can't laugh about this you need help.... This is a supposedly a true story from the Word Perfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal :

"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

Q. How can you tell when a mechanic just had sex?

A. One of his fingers is clean.

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?

A. So men can be open minded.

Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you?

A. When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

Q. Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?

A. They're called 'Predickamints'

Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?

A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

Q. What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?

A. One goes "ribbit" the other goes "rub it".'

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?

A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?

A. Nothing.

Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist?

A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?

A. Well aren't all kitchen appliances that colour?

Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?

A. Nobody eats parsley.

Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?

A. Kermit's Finger

Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?

A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?

A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?

A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?

A. "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?

A. Ten minutes of silence!

Q. What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?

A. Ones a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!

Q. What's another name for pickled bread?

A. Dill-dough

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?

A. He heard the snow blower coming.

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A: Lickalotopuss.

Q. What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?

A. There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.

Q. What do you call a Welsh farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A. Pimp.

Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

A. Polaroids.

Q. Why are women are like tyres?

A. There's always a spare.

Q. What's brown and sits on a piano bench?

A. Beethoven's First Movement.

Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?

A. A tran-sister.

Q. What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?

A. I can't see a thing with all this shit in here!

Q. Why do women wear black underwear?

A. They are mourning for the stiff they buried the night before.

Q. How do you know when a male porn star is at the petrol station?

A. Right before the petrol stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.

Q. What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?

A. At a hockey game you see fast pucks.

Q. What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhoea?

A. A salad shooter

Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?

A. Bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married man comes home, sees what's in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.

An Englishman, American, and Arabian were in a bar talking about their families. The Englishman said, ‘I have ten kids at home and if I had another one I would have a football team!’ ‘Well,’ says the American ‘I have 15 kids at home and if I had another one I would have a US football team!’ ‘Well,’ said the Arabic guy, ‘I have 17 wives at home.’ He paused, sipping at his drink. ‘If I had another one I would have a golf course.’

no wonder we've been miserable - PAGE 12!!!

A brave knight has to go off to fight in the Crusades and leaves his sexy wife at home.

As he can’t trust his wife to be left on her own, he fits her with a very special chastity belt made out of razor blades.

On his victorious return, he lines up all his male staff, and makes them drop their trousers. He is greeted by a whole line of shredded todgers, apart from one. He goes up to that man and said, ‘I trusted you and, unlike all the others, you have not betrayed my trust. In return I shall give you half my land.’

To which the man replies, ‘Ugg ou gery muk.’

a maiden over as marked in score's book by pp

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WHY!!!! :evil:

great catch Bell - bye bye Langer

another for Hoggard

This is justice for all that rain yesterday

rain forecast all day Monday so we have to get a move on

ooh look another Hoggard gets Martyn for 1, and I've got £2 on him to be 'top bowler' at 28/1

good ball mate ;-)

Ponting OUT 21-2

shouldn't you be concentrating on the match SJ?

would have settled for that at start of play yesterday OR today, and at 244-5 I would have ripped your hand off

477 ALL OUT

450-8 Giles out just

EDIT bloody bbc website

we won't get to 550 now

well played Jones very good 85, even better when I had Freddie for top scorer at 8/1 ;-)

over 500 would be superb....

if we're not all out then it'll be whatever is about 17:30 so we get half an hour at them tonight