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The Origin of a Cunning Plan? A Satirical View...


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Drew'sMilitia provides a satirical view of the possible reasons behind MON's master plan...

The year is 2007, the date is 4th September, the time is 7.56am, the place, Bodymoor Heath Training Ground. The door flies open and MON storms in, face like thunder.

‘You alright boss?’ asks John Robertson, nestling a big mug of steaming black coffee.

‘What?’ Replies MON, still in a whirlwind, now randomly moving paper around his desk in search of an elusive pen.

‘I said, are you alright boss? You seem a little, what shall we say? Agitated?’

‘Agitated? Me?’

‘Yes boss – you’.

‘Noooooo – I’m not agitated John, I’m bloody furious John. Those incompetent ingrates at the fecking FA couldn’t find their arse if I stuck a bloody post-it note on it! And where the hell is that post-it note with that agent’s number on it?’

‘What have the FA done now then boss?’ asks JR, producing the post-it note from the notice board directly behind MON. ‘I take it the interview for the England job didn’t go well?’

‘Well…?! Well…?! It was a complete and absolute mockery! To start with, at least two of the so-called ‘panel of experts’ didn’t have a clue who I was. I swear that one even thought I was Brian Clough! Brian Clough! Can you believe it John? Now that really takes the biscuit! Cloughie would be spinning in his grave!’

JR stifles a laugh by messily gulping an oversized mouthful of too-hot coffee. ‘He certainly would be boss’.

‘So what happened then?’ asks JR.

‘Well after the basics they start asking questions like how I would play people like Beckham and Neville?’

‘What did you say?’

‘I told them I’d go back a stage or two and would only consider players who I thought were committed to England and who were performing well at the time of selection. I refused to be drawn on specific players. I said, you’re only as good as your last three games and I’d drop anyone who wasn’t performing’.

‘Sounds sensible, and what did they say boss?’

‘Well. They weren’t exactly what you’d call delighted by my answer’.

‘Ah ha…. And?’

‘And I swear one of the old duffers monocles fell out!’

‘I see… Anything else boss?’

‘Well some old chap asked me on what date I got my FIFA coaching certificate?’

‘And you answered how exactly?’

‘I said God only knows! It’s in a pile O’crap in my office at home. I said that paperwork isn’t what good football management is all about!’

‘I see….’ Says JR, ‘And how did they respond to this?’

‘Oh well, you know, lots of murmurs and hurrumppfs…’

‘Then one of the youngsters - Scudamore I think it was, asked me what it was like working with Cloughie? Can you believe it?’

‘Oh yes boss – I think I can’.

‘I just couldn’t believe they were talking such rubbish. The best one was when they asked me what shapes made up the panels of the old style footballs in the 70s… It was like Trivial ******* Pursuits!’

‘And what did you say boss?’

‘I said Pentagons and Hexagons – so five and six sided shaped, adding up to eleven – which represents the approximate cumulative IQ of the clowns sat in front of me…’

‘I see…’ says JR, sucking breath quickly through his clenched yellowed teeth and making a mental note to call the estate agents putting on hold the house move. ‘So generally it didn’t go as well as it could have done?’

‘I think John, that would be a fair description. We’re staying here. It’s Villa all the way!’.

‘Sounds fine by me boss. Steve Walford’s happy here too’.

‘Where’s my damn pen John?’

‘Behind your left ear boss…’ replies JR.

‘Ah right yes… Right here’s the plan John’.

‘Go ahead boss, I’m all ears’.

‘No that’s Lineker – he’s all ears… D’ya geddit John?’ quips MON, nudging JR’s shoulder and managing to spill yet more coffee down his already grubby training top.

‘Oh yes boss – very droll…’

‘Anyway…’ says MON looking down at the mountain of paperwork, unopened letters and Post-It Notes displaying details of missed calls unlikely ever to be returned. ‘I have a plan…’

‘A cunning plan boss?’ asks JR.

‘What’s that John?’

‘Never mind boss - carry on…’

‘Oh OK - right – well my plan – you see it’s brilliant in its’ simplicity – a masterstroke – my piece de la resistance! My revenge… It’ll be superb and I’ll be delighted – absolutely delighted to wipe the smiles off the FA’s faces – and another thing…

‘Yes boss’ says JR, interrupting the steady flow, ‘All well and good and all that but you haven’t actually mentioned what the plan is?’

‘Haven’t I John?’

‘No boss – you haven’t’.

‘Oh – sorry John. Well basically John – if they don’t want me as England manager then I’ll make my own core of the England team here at Villa! We’ll have a few internationals yes indeed, but I want to create the scenario where the FA are coming to ME for MY players to fill THEIR England shirts’.

JR nods at the O’Neill “Masterplan”… ‘Interesting idea… carry on boss’.

‘Well Wenger’s got his “Frenchies” down at Arsenal. That fat bloke at Liverpool, you know the one, whatshisface with an excuse for a beard – looks like Renee from Goodbye Goodbye’

‘You mean Allo Allo boss?’

‘No John that’s not his name, you’re getting mixed up with the Djemba Djemba twins - I sometimes wonder if you’re keeping up at all John…’

‘Benitez boss?’

‘No the first name’s definitely not Ben…’

‘No boss, Ben-itez, Rafa Benitez!’

‘That’s the one – see I knew you’d catch up in the end John! You’re just not as quick as your old mate Martin!’

‘No boss’, says JR, slumping back into the well-worn armchair… a vintage from

MON’s days at Wycombe and Leicester. The springs are clearly visible in the seat bolster causing mild irritation to users but MON says you can’t just splash out on a new chair just like that… ‘And what about him?’

‘Who?’ says MON.

‘Rafa Benitez?’ replies JR.

‘Oh him – yes – well he’s got his Spanish players too – so why don’t we do the same with the cream of the English game?’

‘Can’t see the likes of Lumpard and Gerrard coming to Villa any time soon boss’ JR points out helpfully.

‘Ah John, now that’s the masterstroke… We’ll build it with undiscovered or previously under-rated players and make them into something special. Sum-of-the-whole-being-greater-than-the-individual-component-parts and all that! It’ll take a few years, but with some good targeted acquisitions and a bit of money from Mr Lerner, I think we could have a sustainable Top-Four challenging side within five years or possibly less’.

‘Sounds good to me boss’.

‘It certainly does John, It certainly does! Now where’s the number of the agent for that young Jimmy Milner? And we need to make a move for that Stewart Downing lad – he’s a top talent and I’m sure we’ll land him eventually… We just need patience! I’ll need to have a chat with Mr Lerner’.

‘That Downing lad certainly looks the business from what I’ve seen of him’, JR agrees. ‘Righto Boss’. I’ll get to work… And by the way… I’m not sure that Baros lad is up to the grade. Can’t seem to get him interested in working unless he has an audience. Lazy so-and-so’.

‘Right John, leave it with me. I’ve got plans to draw up and calls to make. I’ll deal with Mr Baros as well, all in good time… Maybe we could swap him for someone decent… A good tall striker, someone who’s bigger than me and you…?’

Ian - UTV!

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‘Right John, leave it with me. I’ve got plans to draw up and calls to make. I’ll deal with Mr Baros as well, all in good time… Maybe we could swap him for someone decent… A good tall striker, someone who’s bigger than me and you…?

Very good, loved that last bit :winkold:

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