Villaninireland

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus right now ... A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted" Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." First guy says, "My wife's an angel!" Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

Of course. I am home in September

Ha ha I let you off for one of your curries next time I am home :wink:

Rob , haven't you forgotten someone else off your list ?

£lies to any club anywhere in the world but ours

A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No", so she gave him a hug and walked on. The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No", so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been ****?" The fellow said "No", She said "You will be when the tide comes in"

What are the similarities between a priest and a pint of Guinness? Both wear and black with white collars and a bad one will tear the hole out of you.

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you b*stards who want to get off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you b*stards who are getting on, get your arse in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the kitchen."

Jacobs have releases a new biscuit called " Clitoris cremes" But be warned.... one lick and you will want to eat the whole box !

NEWSFLASH Woman found dead in bath, filled with cornflakes and milk,bannana stuck in her pussy and rasins up her arse. Police suspect a cereal killer.

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year". The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah well, you started it."

Like the first option myself. Go for it NV.

Home shirt trashed within 3 days and I ironed the logo on. Away shirt still going strong at the moment though.

ULTIMATE BLONDE JOKE. A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also blonde.The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied"It's square and it has your picture on it."The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the police woman.Here it is," she said.The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying "It's ok you can go I didn't realise you were a cop"

Alex Ferguson is one of the guests of honor at the Miss World Beauty pageant. During the interval all the guests and contestants are mingling over drinks. Sir Alex is besieged by three of the most beautiful women in the world. Miss Venezuela pops the first question. "Sir Alex, I admire your management skills and all you have achieved and the trophies you have won." Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lowers the left strap of her dress and reveals her left breast and says, "Can you autograph this please?" Sir Alex now bemused, duly obliges. Miss Croatia pops the second question. "Sir Alex, I admire the way you play psychological games with your opponents even before you play them." Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lowers the right strap of her dress and reveals her right breast and says, "Can you autograph this please?" Sir Alex, again bemused, duly obliges. Miss Argentina pops the third question. "Sir Alex, I admire the way you motivate your players and shield them like they were your own sons." Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lifts up her dress and reveals the fact she is wearing no underwear at all, and says, "Can you please autograph this please." Sir Alex totally gobsmacked by now says, "Hang on a minute love, no, no, no! Last time I signed an Argentinean word removed it cost me £28 million!"

Robben.

Woman brings baby to the doctor because he is loosing weight. The doctor asks" Is he breast fed?" "Yes" she says. "Can I check your breasts" "Yes" she said. He fondled sucked and squeezed them and he says "No wonder he's loosing weight there's no milk in there" "I know I'm the granny"

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze". "What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. > The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you > came second for a change!! A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous brunette with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh' So she socked me a good one. "The first guy replied, " Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you fat evil sl*g'." The new American Marine Captain was assigned to a Irish Regiment in a remote post in the Lebanese desert. During his first inspection,he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Irish Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir" is the nervous reply. "As you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have .m-m-m....urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The American Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Irish Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane s*x with the camel. When he is done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the Irish do it? "Uh, no sir", the Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

I have a Villa one that goes on holiday with me every year. Last year was Ibiza and loads of Bayern fans were suitably told CHAMPIONS OF EUROPE 1982 by shirt. The cap hardly left my head for the two weeks

I would die a happy woman just to see Van Bommell in a Villa shirt. He is pure class. Please please please .

Lancs that is ace. Just sent it to everyone on my Irish mailing list.

How do you know the new Popes German ? Because he's the first one out on the balcony with his towel.

What do the Pope and Prince Charles have in common ? They were both buried in musty old boxes last weekend.

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Undertaker to bereaved husband " When did you realise that your wife was dead ?" " Well" he replied "the sex was still the same but the dishes kept piling up "