welnik

15 hours ago, bickster said:

If you could nick a truckload of plain chocolate wafers that would be great

That's the plan! 

29 minutes ago, chrisp65 said:

Back in the summer on our euro football odyssey we had to go through Glasgow (er, or maybe Edinburgh) airport and they had clocks with the simple slogan Tunnocks Time.

We all got selfies with the Tunnocks Time clocks.

Ambition this year, and its a huge stretch, would be to qualify for the Tunnocks Caramel Wafer Cup. It’s only open to the top 2, we’re currently 5th.

Not relevant I know, but I'm going to be meeting Boyd Tunnock in February. He loves taking people round his factory 

2 minutes ago, villaglint said:

I was once in a tent after a night at Oktoberfest and filled a 2 litre empty bottle with piss. It's amazing the volume you actually piss. As soon as I read Coffee Cup I laughed because I knew what was coming. 

When I pissed in that bottle I was terrified I wouldn't stop as it was getting to the top and I was still going. Luckily I just just managed to stop in time. I was in a tent with a mate of mine who was asleep so if it had overflowed and then I'd panic'd it would have been a hell of a way to wake my mate up!

 

I read somewhere that the bladder holds around 200mm of fluid. The coffee cup is 400mm and it was properly overflowing! If course, I've then got to get rid of the piss in the cup, out of the window with my hand soaked. Cup in the recycling bin as soon as I got home. 

I never want to feel like that again 

On 29/11/2019 at 15:23, bannedfromHandV said:

We doing poop stories, cos I have a cracker.

Some of you may question why I share this so readily, given the embarassement factor but it's just one of those stories where it'd be selfish to keep it to yourself only.

 

So I met a girl (not gonna lie, on Tinder) back in 2015, think it was around June time we started meeting up and dating. Anyway, got quite serious quite quickly and perhaps 3 or 4 months later I think it was, we were invited to her family's annual get together at a relatively posh Italian place in Newton-le-Willows (posh for me anyway, considering my background).

So I figured ya know, be like close family, usual kind of shit.........we arrived and there was about 40 of them there, cousins, second cousins, old neighbours......a lot of people. I get a little bit uncomfortable in these kind of situations anyway so it was already a stressful kind of evening but it was okay, we started the meal, all was good, smashed through two courses and had a couple of beers and a glass of wine or two. Everything was going swimmingly, chatting away with her Mum and Dad who we were sat next to and who I'd met a few times already, hadn't met anyone else though really before.

So after the main meal, I needed a slash, headed off to the toilet which was right on the opposite side of this fairly large restaurant, we were positioned about as far away from the toilets as possible anyway. So off I go - now I have to add at this stage, I felt absolutely fine, in fact after a few drinks I felt better than fine. 

So I go to the toilet, walk in and there's a few little kids messing about but they quickly exited leaving me alone, toilets were quite small, couple of urinals and one cubicle. So I start pissing in one of the urinals and halfway through, as often happens I needed to fart, so fart I did - and to this day, it will haunt me as one of my worst ever decisions.

From nowhere came an avalanche of diarrhoea, it was horrendous, right down my legs - the works. I actually laughed initially but then after a second or two the realisation set in. I hopped into the cubicle quickly to assess the situation and it was about as bad as you can picture. I was wearing jeans (my favourite jeans) and they were caked in it, my pants were obviously a write off but there wasn't even a bin in there so I had to just roll them up and 'hide' them behind the toilet (they weren't hidden whatsoever). I realised I didn't have my phone with me, absolute panic stations.

In the end I just had to wipe up what I could, put my jeans back on and then had to walk across the breadth of the restaurant to get back to my girlfriend, pulling my shirt down over the back of my jeans in some attempt to hide the carnage (oh and by the way, the restaurant was packed). 

Told her I had a problem and we had to go outside, explained the situation and showed her the damage. We talked for a while about what to do, before settling on my having had a crazy bad migraine from nowhere an needed to leave, which we did, me remaining outside whilst waiting for a taxi. I then had to hover over the seat in the taxi as best possible, all the while trying me best not to have a total breakdown.

To compound it all, when we got back to her house, I cried.

She's still with me to this day believe it or not.

 

***apologies if I've shared this previously on here***

Not too related, but I was on the way home, busting for a piss to the point where I had a little back pressure and my kidneys were hurting. I'm stuck in horrendous traffic. I'm going to piss myself, look around the van, all I had was a large Costa cup. I'm at some roadworks on Hampton Lane. **** it, grabbed the cup, squirmed off my keks, let's go. Ah, such relief. OK, you can stop now! No, you really can stop! 

Took me ages to clean up the piss from the seat and the floor, and of course my keks were soaked! I don't think I've ever done so much piss, must have been nearly a gallon! 

13 hours ago, A'Villan said:

I would hope that this troubled man is dealt with in a just manner, ultimately it's child safety we're concerned with, right? Not parading trophies through the street.

What Xela said. My daughter was earwigging the conversation, they were reading stuff that he had allegedly sent including a line about how being raped would hurt!!! At one point he laughed at them! I think because he's extremely autistic, that will be his defense in court. He is too immature to be held responsible for his actions I would guess. 

8 hours ago, peterms said:

I'd like to think this is a parody, but sadly I suspect isn't.

Parts  are straight out of the Daily Mail c1975, preserved for posterity for no sound reason.

Parts are just wrong, eg attributing the 1974 3 day week to the 1975 government.   Doh!

This would have failed an O level even in 1976.  Do better.  If you can.

I'll concede the Heath thing. To be honest I'd completely forgotten about the gutless spineless idiot who was too concerned with his yacht and his other proclivities, and was too scared of the unions to do something about them. Everything else is right though. 

Just now, snowychap said:

Does that mean that you did or didn't mean to include the three day week in your diatribe about the 1970s?

Did it not happen then? 

14 minutes ago, snowychap said:

I read what you wrote - you didn't answer what was asked of you.

How about this question:

 

Ooh, you got me there good and proper, do you feel superior now?

3 hours ago, snowychap said:

By answering the question posed?

He asked specifically in relation to your 'track record' comment which was a response to being questioned about your assertion of 'certain bankruptcy'.

A rant about how everything was fine and dandy under the Tories and has always been terrible under Labour isn't specifics on your claim of:

 

Hmm, I can only assume that, A, you're trolling, or, B, you haven't actually read what I said. You will find the answers you need if you read it properly. 

Ta bab 

1 hour ago, Sam-AVFC said:

Specifically?

Where do I start. As has been said above,

point 1) 1975 through to 1979 - under a socialist government, industry was catastrophically inefficient and held to ransom by trade unions that were so pervasive that they told the Government of the day how to run the Country.  For those that are old enough to remember (like myself), 1977, green goddesses on the streets because the firemen were on strike, the winter of discontent 78-79, bodies not being buried, rubbish being piled up in the streets, compulsory 3 day working weeks and power cuts.............. and why, because, there was no money left. Denis Healey had to go cap in hand to the IMF for an emergency loan because of overspending. Even though we have a soveriegn currency! So all we had to do was print more money.  Inflation was rampant and things were tough. During this time we were laughingly known as "the sick man of Europe". Brilliant

point 2) Gordon Brown - where do I start with him. When Bliar (not a typo) won the election, this Country had been doing well for years because of Tory policies. GB stole your pension. He decided that he would raid our pensions to the tune of £100 billion to use for god knows what. Not content with that, Mr Micromanage himself failed to micro manage the economy and why.................. because the booming housing market bubble was a nice little earner in stamp duty. Now, had he mitigated for the housing bubble, we might not be in the position we are in now. Instead, he decided it would be a great idea to pour 10's of billions into proping up the banks. They even made up a snazzy name for it.................... quantitative easing, plunging the UK into massive debt which are still repaying.Brilliant

point 3) John McDonald - if you think things are bad now, vote this **** in. After 5 years, when the country is a basketcase again, will you still blame Tory austerity? So get ready for a tax hike. Not a couple of pennies, more 5-6p in every £1. There is no way on this planet that these clowns can afford the kind of waterfall that they are proposing. 

point 4) Nationalisation - do you really think that some numpty in an office in Westminster is better placed to run the water, the electric, the railways etc??? Good luck with that. The rail network is just a black hole of spending. 

So, under Boris things will be shit for a couple of years because he is a ****, but under Corbyn, we will be much worse off. The only thing will happen is that tax will go up and your standard of living will go down.  These idiots are like kids in a sweet shop who've won the lottery!  

As an aside, I've recently visited Hungary. I was quite suprised to see a large number of homeless people. I didn't realise Tory austery had reach this far.

35 minutes ago, lapal_fan said:

Your posts in this topic over the last few hours/day don't really add anything really.

Why do you think we'll be bankrupt?  What evidence (anecdotal or otherwise) do you have to support this? 

I'm not even being a smart arse, I'd like to cover all the bases before I go and tick a box in 3 weeks. 

Track record dude, track record 

2 minutes ago, StefanAVFC said:

You're not wrong. I wouldn't use such strong language, but I agree with the general sentiment.

However, there's nothing 'thank goodness' about the Tories getting another 5 years to continue to destroy the country.

Apart from certain bancrutpcy under Labour of course! But at least then we'll all be equally poor! Food banks here we come 

23 minutes ago, HanoiVillan said:

There appears to be a broad agreement that the retirement age will need to be raised slightly, However, as @Dr_Pangloss says, there are very good reasons why people cannot continue working much beyond the current state retirement age. 

In addition, this isn't really the argument being discussed at this election; the question is whether it was fair for the coalition to raise the retirement age for women further without compensating them, not whether it makes sense to raise the retirement age in principle.

You're correct that pensions and social care are going to take a larger and larger amount of money in the future (though I'm not sure how much life expectancy is rising, if it is at all). However, you know what would help with that problem: some pro-growth macro-economic policies!

Like loading the taxpayers with an extra £53 billion on top of the rest of the avalanche! What could possibly go wrong! 

Oops, inflation has hit it already! 

3 minutes ago, tonyh29 said:

This deosn't half sound like the " we will take care of it" promise that conned gullible students in 2017  

but whats another  £58bn when you have Amazon and Google lining up to pay for it all

About 8p in the pound! 

2 minutes ago, tonyh29 said:

This deosn't half sound like the " we will take care of it" promise that conned gullible students in 2017  

but whats another  £58bn when you have Amazon and Google lining up to pay for it all

About 6p in the pound! 

So because we are living longer this is just something else that is costing more and more. It won't be too long till there are a significant portion of the elderly who have been retired longer than they had been working if they retired at 65! We can't afford to fund that much, so we have to work longer, it's common sense 

4 minutes ago, peterms said:

NI is not a ringfenced pot, it does not take money in and pay it out according to how much has been paid in.  Pensions, health, benefits are paid out of government spending, like everything else.  Whether someone has been lucky enough to be employed in a role well enough paid for their NI contributions to "cover" the cost of their pension is irrelevant; it's a social expenditure, not a personal pot.

Are you speaking of an employer's pension?

No, his state pension which he got from 65. So nearly 30 years of state pension that has to be paid for. By who? 

46 minutes ago, peterms said:

To call it having something you thought you'd be given delayed is rather to understate the issue.

People have been given to understand that they would get the pension at 60.  Now they won't.  3.8m women are affected.  How much they lose depends on things like when they were born, but some lose up to £50k.  For some, there may be an option of continuing in employment.  For many, there won't.  The outcome for many will be hardship and poverty, for a situation not of their making.

The justification is that differential pension ages is discriminatory.  The decision to deal with that by penalising millions of people who did not create the discrimination is morally unacceptable.

People rely on this pension.  It's not like a prospective bonus which they now won't get, it's the core income on which most of them will depend.

On top of that, they have been told for many years that we pay into the system via NI, and we get back the advertised benefits.  The fact that the internal workings of government finances don't quite work that way isn't the point - there is an expectation that has been created, and the breach of this expectation is a breach of a type of contract between rulers and ruled.  It is a betrayal of the worst kind.

I'm doing more and more work for people in their late eighties and early nineties. Do you think that they have paid enough N. I to cover the cost of their pensions? One of my customers was 93, he retired at 55 on an indexed linked pension. His contribution would have lasted a couple of years. Who has been funding his lifestyle since? 

1 hour ago, rjw63 said:

Hannibal Brooks is where I remember him most

A quite brilliant film. Well done sir 

22 minutes ago, peterms said:

If I die of asphyxiation, I want them to play "Blue".

Will it an orange or lemon you failed to bite down on 

Thanks, there's been some brilliant choices of tunes, and it's cheered me up no end. 

Of course, now I have to revise my choices for my own shindig. 

Cheers all 

Had these pedo hunters round next door last night. The guy is about 40, has mental health issues, and lives with his mum and dad. We've had issues with him before, threatening to kill and what not. Seems he's been grooming kids 11-14. There were four blokes from oop norf, all had gopros on and were reading the chats out loud to him. It was pretty shocking to hear. The cops turned up, but I didn't see if they took him away. 

As an aside, I usually have to inform them if I'm doing any work on the house because he will kick off big time! So they take him out for the day. 

Bizarre really 

We buried my mate on Monday, motor neurone disease. He was a week younger than me! 

Anyway, he had "Daniel" as his last song as we carried the coffin out, and it got me wondering what mine would be. 

At this present moment in time I think I'll be having "Father, son", a quite brilliant tune by Peter Gabriel. 

So, what do you want at your funeral?