Kalim_a

With respect john, I dont know these goons and certainly not my friends. No friend of mine visits this board, and most are not football fans!!! My guess is some tw@ts from soccernet's board...one in particlar called payne a feckin bluenose word removed. I used the same name on that board and left it coz of idiots like him.

i just searched for it and no it has not been posted before...

A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him naked down the stairs to the garage. He grabs the guy's cock, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified man. The man, wide-eyed, screams, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut off my dick, are you?" The husband hands him the hacksaw and says: "Nope. You are. I'm setting the garage on fire."

the above joke is atrocious.

Sitting in the sweltering stands of the gym, sweating my ass off while listening to the teacher read off the names of the graduating kindergarten class was pretty boring. My mind was naturally wandering, checking out all the young mothers and wondering which of them take it up the ass, when the announcer called out the name Kenny Wong. "That kid's not Asian," I elbowed my wife pointing to the little blonde-haired boy, "he's white." "Ssshhh!" she hissed. "Don't make fun of children!" "I'm not making fun of him," I countered. "I'm simply saying that his parents must be white..." "TZ! Ssshhh!" she repeated. I laughed. "I guess two whites can make a Wong."

matt i posted the joke about the bullet and dog here a few weeks ago, dont repost.

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I sure as hell ain't touching it!

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries. The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes." Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again. "Never mind," giggles the blonde, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

There once were these three guys who died and went to hell. The first guy was a drunk. The second guy was a player and the third was a pot-head. When the three guys ended up in hell they begged and pleaded with the devil ti spare them. The devil said," I will allow you all to be locked in a room for 1,000 years with anything you want. However you may not come out for those 1,000 years." The guys thought that this was great! So the drunk says to the devil," I want to be locked in a room with all the beer in the world!" So the drunk was put into a room for a 1,000 years with all the beer in the world. Then the player says tothe devil," I want to be locked in a room with all the women in the world!" So the devil lockes him in a room for 1,000 years with all the women in the world. Then the pot-head says to the devil," I want to be locked in a room with all the pot in the world!!!!". So sure enough the devil locks him up with all the pot in the world for 1,000 years. So 1,000 years go by and the devil unlocks the rooms. The first room is the drunk mans room. when the devil opens it the drunk says," Urgh. I never want to see beer again!!!". then the devil moves on and opens theplayers door. when he opens the door the player says," Man i hate women! All they do is complain and bitch about shit!! i never want to see women again!!!" then the devil moves on to the next door, wich is the pot-heads door. the devil opends it and sees the the pot un smoked. then in the middle of the room is the pot-head, crying. the guy looks at the devil and says,"Got a light?"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Excellent player, would form a great partnership with Angel but how many games would he play? Hes injured most of the time and at other time hes suspended coz of his big mouth.

A little boy walked into his mom and dads room while they were fighting. The dad yelled, "You bitch!" And the mom screamed, "You bastard!" And the little boy said, "Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???" And the parents replied "Um...ladies and gentlemen." And with that answer the little boy ran off to bed. The next night the parents were really horny, the dad said "Nice tits!" And the mom, "Nice dick!" And the little boy ran into the room and asked, "Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???" "Um...hats and coats." And with that answer the little boy ran back to bed. The next day was Thanksgiving and all of the relatives were going to be eating and celebrating at the little boys house. The little boy was on his way up the stairs and ran into the bathroom. When he swung the door open it hit his dad's elbow, (the dad was shaving and he cut himself) "Shit!" He bellowed. "Daddy what does that mean???" "Um, it is the name of the shaving cream that I'm using, now run downstairs and see what your mom is doing." And with that the little boy did as he was told. Meanwhile his mom was slicing the turkey, and she accidentally put her finger in the wrong place. "****!" She hollered and the little boy said , "Mommy, what does that mean???" "Um, it means I'm cutting the turkey." DING-DONG the door bell rang and the little boy scampered off to answer it saying: "Hello all of you bitches and bastards, hang up your titties and dicks. Dad's up stairs whipping the shit off of his face and mom's in the kitchen **** the turkey!"

You gotta love this: This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped! To the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this? Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends.........................................$32,000. Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion...........................................................$3,000. Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui......................................................$8,500. The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man ............................................................................ Priceless. There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MasterCard

Two bored casino workers are working at the craps table. An attractive blonde woman arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you dont mind, but I feel much luckier when im completely nude." With that, she strips from the neck down, rolls the dice and yells, "Come on baby, mama needs new clothes!" As the dice come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals... "Yes! Yes! I Won! I Won" She hugs each othe dealers, then picks up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?" The other answers, "I dont know - I thought you was watching." MORAL: NOT ALL BLONDES ARE DUMB, BUT ALL MEN ARE MEN.

A rabbit was hopping through the forest when he came upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit said, "Giraffe, don't do drugs. Come, run with me through the forest." The giraffe looked at the rabbit, then at the joint.He dropped the joint and ran off with the rabbit. They came upon an elephant snorting cocaine. The Rabbit said, "Elephant, don't do drugs. Come, run with us through the forest." The elephant looked at his razor blade, mirror and lines. He then tossed them away and began running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then came across a lion about to shoot up. The Rabbit said, "Lion, don't do drugs. Come, run with us through the forest." The lion looked at the rabbit and then at the needle. He put down the Needle and started to beat up the rabbit. Horrified, the giraffe and elephant asked, "Lion, why are you doing this? He was trying to help you." The lion answered, "This little f*cker? He makes me run around the forest like a **** idiot every time he's on ecstasy!

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

John and Paul fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money, all together they managed to scrape together a staggering 50 pence. John said: 'Hang on I have got an idea' - went to the next butchers shop and came out with one large Cumberland Sausage. Paul: 'Are you crazy? Now we haven't got any money left at all' John: 'Don't worry - just follow me' and went into the next pub where he immediately ordered two pints and two large Jack Daniel's'. Paul: 'Now you have lost it - do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' John: 'Don't' worry - I have got a plan - Cheers' They had their drinks and John said: 'OK, I will now stick the sausage through my zip - you will go on your knees and put it in your mouth' Said and done - the landlord noticed it - went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk - all for free. At the 10th pub Paul said: ' Mate - I don't think I can continue this any longer - I am p*ssed and my knees are killing me' John: 'How do you think I feel - I lost the sausage in the 3rd pub.'

An American, a Brit and an Iraqi are in a bar one night having a beer. The Yankee drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In the States our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice. " The Brit obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Britain we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either. "The Iraqi, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the American and the Brit. He says "In Baghdad we have so many Americans and Brits that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy and tell him it'll be a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner." She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "****. All I've got is thirty." She says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?" Harry says, "A handjob." She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. He says, "Okay." She gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a HUGE PENIS. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?"

Indian mum... Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner.....who lives with a girl roommate Sunita. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than meets the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates." About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Kumar Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now. Love, Mom. lesson of the day ... Don't Lie to Your Mother...especially if she is Indian!!!!!

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Question: Who was the survivor? Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. **** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. **** Men keep scrolling. So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

Sheer class... Superman was flying around thinking, "I need a shag". The Man of Steel was passing over Gotham City when he saw Batman, so he flew down for some advice. "Hey Bats, who's a good shag?" Batman replied, "Well Supe, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in comic-land, why don't you try her?" "I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends, so I don't really want to take advantage of her" "Damn shame," said Batman, and waved goodbye to Superman as he flew off. Ten minutes later he was flying low over a city when he saw Spiderman swinging from rooftop to rooftop. He flew down. "Hey Spidey, I'm cruisin' for a bonk, who's the best shag in comic-land?" “Hey, Big S, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best shag in comic-land, why don't you try her?" "Well we are sort of friends," he said, "but I didn't realise she had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration. Twenty minutes later he was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted. "Goddamn it!" he thought to himself, "I'm faster than speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here." So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone. Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a glazed expression. "What the **** was that?" she exclaimed. "I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "But my arse is killing me."

Love these little johnny jokes...... Little Johnny was in class when the teacher asked, "Three birds are sitting on a telephone wire, a hunter shoots one. How many are left?" "None," he says "if ones shot the others would fly away." "Actually", said the teacher "the answer was two, but I like the way you think." The next day Johnny walks over to his teacher in the cafeteria and asks, "Do you see those three women over there on the bench? Which one isn't married, the one eating the cookie, the one eating a sandwich, or the one sucking on a popsicle?" "Hmm, the one sucking on a popsicle?", the teacher asks" "Actually" said Timmy " it was the one without a wedding ring, but I like the way you think".