Kalim_a

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George. The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said.... "Monica, you're free to go!"

A young man called Peter wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's Christmas present and as they had not been dating for very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time. During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "Dear Maria, I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart even though they were a little tight on her. She also told me that her pair helps to keep her ring clean and shiny, in fact, she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them. I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night." All my love Peter P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing

brilliant lads keep em comming plz

love the 1st 2 keep them comming, why did u stop? :x

Class Rob, Brilliant. Any more?

Hope this one has been posted before... The new Liverpool manager sent scouts out around the world looking For a new striker to replace Michael Owen and hopefully win Liverpool the title. One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitablly impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 mins left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 mins and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. Hello mum, guess what?" he say's. " I played for 20 mins today, we Were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, The media, they all love me." "Wonderful," says his mum, " Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed And beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time." The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry." "Sorry!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

dont think this has been posted before...could be wrong... A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy. "I'll only marry you under three conditions." "Anything, anything," said the ambassador. "First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement." Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!" The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation. "Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France." The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!" The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to. "Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10 inch penis." A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

Two rednecks are playing golf behind two flamingly effeminate golfers who are just flitting about after every shot, every putt, everything. The rednecks are getting so mad watching the unmacho behavior of the two at the "gentleman's game," so they decide they're going to hit into them to get off. The rednecks' shots are getting dangerously close to the two gays, and finally, a shot from one of the rednecks hits one of the gays on the head and it knocks him out cold. The other gay is in an angry panic, shaking his friend to get up, "Felipe! Felipe! Get up! Get up!" He shouts at the rednecks, "You bad men! We are going to sue you!" One of the rednecks yelled back, "You ain't gonna sue us! I'd just as soon suck your winney!" The gay heard that and started shaking his friend,"Felipe! Felipe! Get up! Hurry! They want to settle out of court!"

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father." Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard.

"Class dismissed!" the teacher yelled but little Johnny doesn't go. He walks to the teachers desk and says, "Teacher can i go home with you?" The teacher says "No!" Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy." So the teacher says, "Okay." They get to the teachers house and she says, "Well i'm going to take a quick shower, you sit right here." "Can i take a shower with you?" he asks. The teacher says "No!" Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy." So the teacher says, "Well okay, I guess." So their in the shower and little Johnny says, "Can i turn off the lights?" The teacher says "No!" Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy." So the teacher says, "Okay." So the lights are off and little Johnny says, "Can i stick my finger in your belly button?" The teacher says "No!" Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy." "Well okay." says the teacher, "JOHNNY!, that's not my belly-button!" "Yeah? and that's not my finger eather!"

Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash. The pilot says "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them" The lawyer says "**** the Boy Scouts!" The priest says, "Do we have time?"

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

SHEER class :D

CHILD: Dad, where did I come from? DAD: Okay, we had to have this conversation some day!.. Listen...Dad and mom met in a chat room on the net. I set up a meeting with your mom and we landed in the bathroom at the Cyber Cafe. Then, mom did some downloads from dad's memory stick and when dad was ready to upload, we discovered that there was no firewall. Seeing that it was a bit too late to cancel, I just carried on doing the upload. Nine months later, the damn virus appeared. CHILD: Huh

Jim has three girlfriends, but he doesn't know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5,000.00 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells Jim, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because, Jim, I love you so much." The third one takes the $5,000.00 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5,000.00 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "Jim, I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." So Jim thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young punk walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the punk looked, the old man was staring at him. The punk finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter, old timer? Never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

You don't need to appologise mate for someone else's immaturity, u did nothing wrong. Anyway, whats your avator about?! looks like something out of pirates of the caribbean

no worries mate, just hope ur mate grows up a bit

Its on page 20 and i posted it... http://www.villatalk.com/index.php?name=PNphpBB2&file=viewtopic&p=41712&highlight=sausage#41712

read that tramp joke here last week or so....

:D

that's class. best joke here in the last 2 pages, common guys no dumb blonde jokes or any silly trivia, keep the standard up.

2nd one was class matt