Kalim_a

fortune teller .... this is really freaky!!!! http://www.fhm.com/img/mailout/img/nov15/test.htm

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

you have it all sussed out haven't you mate?

I do see your point and its logical, however I reckon the new manager will have a clearout and get loads of new players in... and it will take time for them to settle...

I agree with you, but regarding Liverpool, whoever comes in will have money to spend, but it will take time to get a settled team, dont think they will join the elite in the 1st season.

I am bored, really looking forward to Euro champ. and next season. Regarding Villa, I'd be happy with 5 and a cup would be nice, but I see no reason why we can't challenge for the 4th postion. I am delighted with the Laursen signing, hes a class defender I reckon and will be excellent with Mellberg. I rekon we will have a better defence than Liverpool and Newcastle. Just need cover for Samuel and possibly another CB, Huth on loan would be good but I'd like it better if it was view to a permanent move... Midfield is where we lack the edge compared to Liverpool and Newcastle, we can put up a good show with our 1st choice but dont really have a good backup, need cover for Solano since Hendrie is not a right midfielder... Strike force is as good as the scousers and geordies... Discuss... Regards, Kalim.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And, who was the woman you were with?" "I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I can't name her." "Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now." Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Three month's vacation and five good leads"

Crissy...come up with something funny plz....

hahah class

glad u like them guys, i was bored and wanted some humor..

A Jewish couple have a Son who is a bit troublesome: at age five he starts in school, and pretty soon, his parents get to hear that things aren't going well. After a couple of months, they are asked to "take him out of school", since he is not setting a good example to the other Jewish children. Things go from bad to worse: after only a month in reform school he's thrown out again, and even the state correction center can't deal with him. Eventually, in desparation, the parents take him to the only place left: a local Catholic school. The don't hear anything concerning his performance, no reports of trouble, but their curiosity is really aroused when he comes home at the end of the term with a report card showing three B's and the rest A's. Things continue in the same vein, and at the end of the second term, he's running straight A's, and by the end of the school year, his performance has been so good that he is head of the class list. His mother taks him aside and asks, "What's going on? We send you to your own people, and they throw you out. The reform school can't deal with you, and even the state correction center wasn't enough. But now, with these Catholics, you're getting the best grades ever." "Well momma," says the boy "I wasn't too bothered by those other places, but the first thing I see when I go into that Catholic school is a Jewish kid nailed to a cross. I know when to back down...."

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy." "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven." Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning." Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!" "Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

a man comes homa after a hard days work, lookin forward to relaxin. he purs himself a glass of wine, eats a delicious home cooked meal nade by his wife and goes upstairs to their bedrom where they have separate beds. his wife followhs him up minutes later. ''honey woney'', the man says, ''i jus wana fank u for sucha wonderful meal! i am blessed to have a wife such as you.'' he then turns out the light and tries to sleep. after several mins he finds he cnt nod off. ''sweety pie?'' he calls out ,''i'm lonely.'' his wife gets outta bed and makes her way across the room. but she slips, falls, and bangs her nose. ''did my hunnny bunny hurt her nosey wosey?'' the man asks as his wife climbs into bed with him. there follows a three hour session of hardcore sex. ehen the couple have finsihed, the wife heads back over to her own bed, and as she goes she slips up a second time. ''Clumsy Bitch,'' the man mutters.

Two little brothers, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say 'ass' and I'll say 'hell'." All excited about their plan, they trooped downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios."

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was having a wee and this bullet came out." replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out." And the boy says, "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

The lovers passionately embraced while lying on her bed. Their bodies fused together as they gyrated and panted. Then, suddenly the woman cocked her ear. "Quick, my husband is coming through the front door. Hide in the bathroom," she cried. The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed. Just as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. "What are you doing lying naked on the bed?" He asked. "Darling, I heard you coming up the driveway and got ready to receive you." She replied with a wink and a smile. "Great" he said, "I'll just run into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes." She panicked. Before she could stop him, he was in the bathroom. He found a man clapping his hands together in mid air. Dumfounded, he asked, "Who the devil are you?" "I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths." The lover replied. The husband yelled, "But you've got no clothes on!!!" The lover looked down at his body, jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards."

This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one." A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have on of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one." Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000" Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?" The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" "Yes," Says grandpa. "Then go **** yourself!"

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" "Amen," replied the congregation.

This actually happened at Harvard University in October 2 years ago... In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?" "That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return. However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks.. "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see." replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package." The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy; "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"

Excellent rob, excellent

:D :D RantinRob, that was class

In war soldiers get injured, right? Here's how different races exclaim: When the BRITISH got shot - OH MY GOD.....!!!! When the INDIAN got shot - AH-YOYO AMMAH...!!! But when the CHINESE Hokkien got shot, they go - NABUEH CHEE BYE, TIOK LIAO...!!!!

Signal for sex: Man marries deaf girl. He mimes to her: "Let's make a signal code if we want sex?" She nods and agrees. So he goes: "If I want sex, I'll squeeze your breast. In response you can shake my penis once for "yes" and 50 times for "no"....