rjw63

A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath." The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "Oh I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

A man goes to a disco and starts chatting with a very attractive looking Chinese girl. She appears to be all over him and soon asks him back to her place "for a coffee".

When they get to her flat she tells him to help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable.

Just as he finishes getting his drink the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee. "I am your sex slave!" she says, "I will do absolutely ANYTHING you want".

Well the man is taken a little bit by surprise and can't believe his luck. So he says: "I really fancy a 69..." "**** Off" replies the girl, "I'm not cooking at this time of night"

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor"? The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."

The Feeling - Without You

and Coldplay - The Scientist

^^^

For Those About To Rock - AC/DC

Klingon scores for Everton!!!!! :-)

Bollocks, small heath level immediately :-(

Everton every time

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?". She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it".

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. "Do you have vagina" "Yes" she says. The man replies "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone, and start using yours!".

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't! Worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said: "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!"

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?" "I opened a can of peas instead."

Weezer - Undone/ Say It Aint So/ The Good Life/ Dope Nose/ Perfect Situation

The laughing policeman - Charles Penrose ;-)

Where's the "I don't care" option?

John Carew Carew,

He's bigger than me and you,

He's gonna score one or two,

John Carew, Carew.

This got goin at old trafford for a bit but no-one really picked up on it. Dunno if it is being sung much up Holte Upper but it is a damn sight better than Carew is on fire.

It certainly got a good airing today

Generaal Krulak here:

1. dirk1978: I passed your message on to MON who passed it on to Barry. Barry indicated that he would try to use his head and foot against Bolton.

Fook me, that worked a treat!!!!!!

First time I've seen that, Mike!

Anyway, Warren Zevon - Basket case

Biffy Clyro - Machines

^^^

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to the local hardware store can turn out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you!

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into the trunk.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their beautiful boobies almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another hardware store.

You agree and they both climb in the passenger seat, one sitting on the other's lap.

On the way, they start kissing each other... then one of them turns to you to perform something nasty... while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen March 24th, 25th, 26th, twice on the 28th, on the 29th, 30th, April 1st, 2nd today and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

A drunk walks up to the host of a party and says, "'Scuse me, but do you have green toilet paper that says, '**** you?'" The host looks disdainfully at the drunk and says, "No, I don't have green toilet paper that says, '**** you.'" "Oh, then I'm terribly sorry," says the drunk, "I think I just wiped my arse with your parrot."

werent the beach boys shit

No

I can't stand the Jacks version, it offends me on so many levels... would be interested to hear The Beach Boys angle on it though.

Beach Boys demo

A kid comes home from school and says to his mum, "Mum I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are. He says, "well, pussy and bitch". She says "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."

He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mum and I don't think she told me the exact meaning. Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mum with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him... "pussy and bitch".

Dad says, "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centrefold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle, is pussy." "OK dad, so what's a bitch?" "Everything outside that circle!"

"Ya know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In St Andrews there's a wonderful little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals, so much that when you buy 4 drinks he'll buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well", said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhhhh, that's nothing laddies", said the Irishman. "Back home in me own Killarney, there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"

The Englishman & Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?" "Not to me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman... "but it did happen to me sister."