sheriffvilla

A Posh Hotel holds 3 weddings on the same day and at the end of the night, the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days events over a couple of Beers. One questions the other two, "listen, it's our wedding night and I was wondering - how many times are we expected to...um...you know.... DO IT ??? Eventually, they all decide to retire to their respective wives and see how the night goes, with the idea to meet up the following morning over breakfast to discuss what went on. Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, "Hold on lads, we can't discuss our first nights marital goings on over the breakfast table with our new wives sat with us. "No you're right" . What we'll do then, is for every piece of toast we order with our breakfast, that'll be the amount times we did it", offers another groom. They all decide it's an excellent idea and depart. The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a bit dishevelled, but that's nothing compared to the brides, who can barely stagger across the room to their tables. The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order, "Hello, I'll have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please". The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a toast to his fantastic prowess. The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, "I too shall have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of toast" The waitress gets to the last groom. "I shall also have the full English breakfast please, yet I shall have..." he takes a deep breath "SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST" he calls for everyone's benefit. Whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at him in disbelief at the thought how raw his poor schlong must be. Seven pieces of toast sir?" queries the waitress. Why, that's an awful lot" "Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is." She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave, the groom calls after her again... "And by the way love, can you make two of those Brown ?"

Jeremy Beadle was at home 'pleasuring himself', when he thought "Bloody hell my c**k is small. But in the other hand it is f'n massive!!"

My latest posting includes this pic of me: Spot the difference? Fat b*stards!

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. She yelled "fore" but it was too late. The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony. The woman rushed over to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, noooo... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it doesn't do a thing for my thumb. It still hurts like hell!"

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have suffered particularly horrible deaths. So, what's your story?" The first man replies: "Well, for weeks now I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to catch her in the act. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could sense something was wrong, but all my searching didn't reveal where this other guy could be hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground. By now I was really mad, so I started beating and kicking him, but he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes and survived. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, pushed our old refrigerator (that hadn't been picked up yet) over the edge, where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning when I was stretching my legs on the railing, somehow I slipped and fell over the edge. But I got lucky and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor beneath me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside an empty refrigerator..."

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided to conduct the interviews personally and went up to the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants he decided to call it a day when, an armless man approached him and said he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man ripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL".... The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to audition him, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief of this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is the man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name,"sighed the distraught bishop, but............." "HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER"...

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started". Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished"? The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger". Her boyfriend decides to go over and help. She shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax". "Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.....he sighed, "let's put all these Frosties back in the box".

Sorry Rob.....

Can this blog (mine) go in please?

Woman walks into a butchers, said "Have you got any Ox tails?". The butcher said, "Yeah of course. Once upon a time, there was this ox..."

Chav Jokes... What do you call a chav in a box? Innit. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it? Safe. Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs! What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit? The bride. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him? It might be your bike. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut? One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night? What you lookin' at?" How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box? Paint three stripes on it. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving? The police What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's? A liar. What do you say to a chav with a job? Can I have a big mac please What do you say to a chav in a suit? Will the defendant please stand What do you call a knife in chaville? Exhibit A Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame? A Nova seats 4 What do you call a 30 year old chavette? Granny. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb? One, they'll screw anything! What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river? A start. Why did the chav take a shower? He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Nova's window in the car wash Why did the Chav cross the road? To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever. What do you call a Chav at college? The cleaner.

I have gone for "The absence of a natural leader and captain". To be honest I think our biggest problem other than that though is we defend too deep. It leaves too large a gap between the midfield and means the forwards do not get the appropriate service/support required.

I agree wholeheartedly. If we are going to compete we need 4 strikers. Fact.

I think we need 4 strikers, with Luke Moore as back up. I know that will not do much for Moore's progress but if we are going to compete ask yourself this - how many teams in the Prem would Luke Moore get in to? So keep Vass & bring Baros or whoever in. I for one would like to see us not severely under strength just because of a couple of injuries. Four strikers is good for competition, and will keep everyone fresh. Am I just hoping for too much?????? As for who is better, I am really not sure, though I doubt Vassell would have had a Euro 2004 like Baros did had he being in the Czech side. I'm not sure how relevant that is, but I am in a rambling mood, so.......... :roll:

Thats funny, I dreamt we signed Zidane... ok I'll stop that before it starts :winkold:

This is absolutely superb - available on the dodgy football-rumours website. I'd love to meet whoever put this on there! "After a slow start to the summer transfer window, bringing in only squad players, O'Leary is keen to add quality to the Villa squad quickly before the squad go on their tour of Sweden. O'Leary sees the need for a proven striker with pace to partner Angel and an attacking midfielder who can add flair to the team as well s a defender who can take Samuel's position after a poor season. For strikers Villa are looking at both Saviola and Owen, with Saviola being the preferred choice both because he is available on a free and is already good friends with Angel after playing at River Plate with him. Once one of thse joins Guti will have seen the ambition of the lub and sign, with the financial detils being agreed already with both the player and with Real Madrid. For the defence Distin will join for 7 million to play left back and villa are also chasing Kevin Hofland from Hamburg, allowing Mellberg to play right back, if Saviola agrees to join rather than Owen, as Saviola is free and the money set aside for Owen will be spent on Hofland. This gives villa a starting line up of: Sorensen, Distin, Hofland, Laursen, Mellberg, Barry/Berger, McCann, Guti, Solano, Saviola, Angel - a team Doug Ellis believ is good enough to finish at least fourth. However, expect O'Leary to be fired if instant success isn't achieved next season, with Doug Ellis already looking out for potential successors for the January transfer window, evn including Sir Alex Ferguson after the takeover of Manchester United and also targets such as Martin O'Neill and David Moyes"

I thought he was on a free. MAN I talk b*****ks sometimes! :winkold:

Thats actually true - he is mates with JPA, they linked well at River Plate, he is a top striker who is available on a free... Never gonna happen, is it?!

That Saviola link is mentioned on the Aston Villa Blog site now, for anyone that cares!

Not according to Bakke! But I dont care either way, to be fair. Anyway, 'Aston Villa are eyeing a swoop for Spanish starlet Ruben Corcobado Soto. The 18-year-old has flown to England and will train with David O'Leary's side for the next week. Ruben played much of last season with Numancia B and he was the star performer for the Sorian outfit. He was also involved on numerous occasions with Numancia's first team. Aston Villa's scouts spotted Ruben and have now approached the Segunda outfit about a deal and they have agreed to let their youngster train in the Second City. Ruben himself is delighted with the chance and is hopeful of sealing a move. "For me this is a fantastic chance, but the decision will be made by the English coaches," he said.'

The Eric Bakke link is now dead. Brilliant news!

By the way that Alonso article was off News Now, I cant remember what site though, I think it was Eat Sleep Sport or something

Indeed, I apologise for listening to my cousins drunken slurs. Anyway, something that has come from somone that is (probably) sober... Alonso to help fund Crouch deal? Tue, 12 Jul 2005 11:32 Aston Villa have enquired about Xabi Alonso but the midlands club are struggling to find the cash to fund a bid. Following Steven Gerrard's new deal, any cash would come in handy for Rafael Benitez who still hopes to sign Peter Crouch from Southampton. Spanish international Alonso would be rated around the £8m mark which looks to price out Villa. The Reds paid Real Sociedad £10.5m for the midfielder in 2004. After struggling to establish himself in the Premiership during his two years with Aston Villa, Crouch was a revelation for Southampton last term, finding the target 16 times despite Saints' relegation. Those goals now look likely to earn the 24-year-old a move to the European champions, providing they are prepared to match Southampton's valuation of £7million, just 12 months after Villa sold him for £2million. "I want to sign Peter Crouch," confirmed Benítez. "I like this player and he would be a good addition to our squad. "At this moment Rick Parry (Liverpool's chief executive) is talking to Southampton and hopefully something can be agreed."

My cousin just rang me to say he heard we are trying to get Saviola (which, IMO, would be great) My cousin was also drunk though, I am afraid. Still, if the Baggies can be linked with him...!!

Wasn't we linked with Koumas as well? Bet Hendrie would be chuffed, he'd have another chav to hang out with!