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Gotta love the rabbit

Whilst on holiday in the Highlands, a man is chatting to an old timer pissed on Whiskey in the local bar. "See this pub eh laddie? I built this pub with my own bare hands brick by brick, but do they call me Hamish the Pub Builder? No." "See that bears head on the wall? I wrestled and killed that beast with my own bare hands, but do they call me Hamish the Bear wrestler? No." "See this whiskey im drinking,i distilled that myself laddie from my familys ancient recipe, but do they call me Hamish the Distiller? No." "But I get caught shagging 1 fcuking goat..."

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2:00 A.M. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 A.M. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up Finally, at 5:00 A.M. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" " I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, . Peter, Peter, something or other.."

Finding it hard to be politically correct...not anymore!!!! How to speak about women and be politically correct: 1. She is not a babe or a chick - she is a Breasted Citizen. 2. She is not easy - she is Horizontally Accessible. 3. She is not blonde - she is A Detour Off The Information Superhighway. 4. She has not been around - she is a Previously Enjoyed Companion. 5. She is not an airhead - she is Reality Impaired. 6. She does not get drunk or tipsy - she gets Chemically Inconvenienced. 7. She is not horny - she is Sexually Focused. 8. She does not have breast implants - she is Medically Enhanced. 9. She does not nag you - she becomes Verbally Repetitive. 10. She is not a slut - she is Sexually Extroverted. 11. She does not have premier league hooters - she is Pectoraly Superior. 12. She is not a two-bit slapper - she is A Low Cost Service Provider. How to speak about men and be politically correct: 1. He does not have a beer gut - he has developed A Liquid Storage Facility 2. He is not a bad dancer - he is Overly Caucasian. 3. He does not get lost - he Investigates Alternative Destinations. 4. He is not balding - he is in Follicle Regression. 5. He is not a cradle snatcher - he is Generationally Differential. 6. He does not get falling-down drunk - he becomes Accidentally Horizontal. 7. He does not act like a total ass - he develops Rectal Cranial Inversion. 8. He is not a male chauvinist pig - he has Swine Empathy. 9. He is not afraid of commitment - he is Monogamously Challenged. Save the best till last.......... 10. He is not a w*nker - he is an Owner Operator

A Salesman knocks at the door of a house and a young boy, 7 or 8 years of age opens the door. In his right hand the boy is holding a large lit cigar and in his left, an exceedingly large brandy. "Hello son" says the Salesman, "Is your Mum or Dad in"? The boy gives him a confused look and holding up his cigar and brandy says "Does it **** look like it"?

One for Rob: A young woman visits the doctor for a breast examination. When he sees her he is surprised to see an 'O'-shaped mark on her chest. "Oh," she explains. "That's from my boyfriend's Oxford University jumper. He likes to wear it when we have sex and the crest rubs against my skin." A couple of weeks later, another girl is in for a breast examination. She whips her top off, and there is a 'C' in the middle of her chest. The doctor raises an eyebrow while the girl explains that her lover likes to wear his Cambridge University jumper during sex. Weeks later, a third girl comes in for an examination and she has a 'W' on her chest. "Ah!" cries the doctor. "Let me guess, you have a boyfriend at Warwick?" "No," smiles the girl. "I've got a girlfriend at Manchester."

A man walks in to a sportshop only to find an incredibly attractive buxom young lady serving behind the counter. "Sh*t" he thinks to himself. "Can I help you? " she asks. "Erm, err, yes I think so. Could I have a packet of condoms please?" he splutters. " I beg your pardon" says she. "Yes I said a packet of condoms please." By now he's going rather red and wishing the floor would swallow him whole. " Sir this is a sportshop we don't sell condoms I'm afraid" says the bemused potential Miss world. " Listen I want a packet of condoms and I demand to see the manager right away" he says. Off she goes shaking both her head and her gorgeous rear as she fetches the manager. Out he comes much to the relief of our hero who exclaims, " thank **** for that. Can I have the latest Tottenham shirt please mate."

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father?" The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies TONY. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?' "What's the fu*king difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pantsoff, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!" A self-induced hangover - $100.00 Broken furniture - $200.00 Breakfast - $10.00 Saying the right thing - priceless

While I was driving down the road the other day (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed over a bridge only to see a cop on the other side with a radar gun lying in wait. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know about, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which I replied, "I'm late for work." To which he asked, "What do you do?" "I'm a Rectum Stretcher," I responded. The cop was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to 2 fingers, then 3, then 4, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly by surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet." Then the cop asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot asshole?" To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun, a badge, a patrol car and park him behind a bridge..." Traffic ticket: $95 / Court Costs: $45 / Look on cop's face.... Priceless

Out at sea, there was a guy whale and a girl whale. They were swimming along when the guy whale noticed a ship sailing towards them. Aboard the ship was the sea captain that had killed the guy whale's father. He turned to the girl whale and told her what had happened, then suggested that they should do something. "We should swim underneath the boat and blow air out of our holes to tip the boat over," he said. So the two whales did just that. To their surprise they saw the crew still alive and swimming towards the shore. "Come on, we have to go eat them!" yelled the guy whale. The girl whale turned to him and said, "Hey, I went along with the blowjob, but I AM NOT going to eat the SEAMEN!"

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis." "So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!" The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right...Voodoo Penis, my ass." The rest is history.

Sorry about this one. Two blokes were walking along a deserted beach, bored to tears. The first bloke suggested "I have an idea. Let's split up. You walk as far as you can that way down the beach ,and I'll walk as far as I can this way. We'll meet back here tomorrow and swap notes." The other bloke agreed, and they began walking in opposite directions. The next day, they met back up and the first bloke said: "So tell me how was your day?" The second bloke smiled and said "Oh, I had a great one! I found a small beachside pond fed from a waterfall, next to some cool grass and spent the day swimming and eating coconuts from a tree. What about you?" The first bloke grinned and said: "You’re never going to believe it! I walked about 3 miles along the beach and came across a railway line, so I followed it for about another 3 miles when I came across a woman, with most fabulous body I have ever seen tied to the tracks! Obviously I untied her and carried her to some grass nearby and spent all day and night having the most incredible sex of my life. The girl was amazing. We did everything together!" The other guy looked at his friend in amazement and said "Everything?!?" --"Yep ,everything," he replied. --''So she sucked your @#%$ then?" --"Oh well, no, that’s the only thing she didn't do," the man said with a sigh. "I couldn’t find her head.''

Bill Gates was killed in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God... Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked. Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" God says, "That was the screen saver".

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"