claretman

Elvis, my pet mouse, has just died.

He was caught in a trap.

He's here,

he's there,

he's every-****-where,

Benteke, Benteke

or to the same tune

He came,

From Genk,

To partner Darren Bent,

Benteke, Benteke

I'd go straight to the stadium. Do a complete lap of the outside to soak it all up, go around the club shop, buy him some tat, then an ice cream. Sorted.

That's what I did when I first took my lad who was 5 at the time. He loved it and it hooked him. (It did help we won that day mind)

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

I took the wife to a dance at the weekend, and there was a guy there giving it large on the dance floor. The wife said "see him there, 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down"

I said "looks like he's still **** celebrating."

Just found out my mate died, overdosed on indigestion medicine. Can't believe it : gav is gone!

I don't rate Wellbeck but I thought he did well yesterday - always seemed to make the ball stick when it was played to him, didn't waste many passes and put himself about well.

Thought we did well defensively, although this meant Gerrard played far far too deep to be effective going forward.

Am I the only one who worries about Johnson defensively? Still can't understand Richards being overlooked for this role.

Two prostitutes talking to each other. One says "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The other replies "No, but I've been swung round be the tits a few times."

It's a great joke! Right up there with "Eats shoots and leaves"!

There once was a bear hunter who was having no luck in finding his quarry. All at once, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was a huge grizzly bear. The hunter's shock was increased when the bear spoke to him.

"You are hunting me, I'll bet", said the bear. "You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or **** you up the arse!"

The hunter didn't want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his booty. The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin.

The next day, the hunter decided to kill the bear for revenge. But, as luck would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, the hunter felt the tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer.

The third day, the hunter was really irate and decided he would torture and kill that bear! Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When the man felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzly's offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said, "You're not really into this for the hunting anymore, are you?!

So its not Hoddle? Damn, I was just brushing the dust off my copy of Diamond Lights!

Richard - Hoddle has been mentioned by quite a few - but with all the goings on it appears to be Lambert surely? Particularly with your insight?

It's true some Villa fans are never happy. Lambert took over Norwich when they had just been beaten 7-1 by Colchester, whom he was managing at the time. He got them promoted to the Championship, got them promoted into the Prem, and has now had a good first season. He won't take any shit - I can't believe a lot of Villa fans are moaning just because he comes across as a bit dour. Ron Saunders anyone?

I actually really hope Wigan get relegated next season now. Let's see how Martinez's stock is then with a relagation on his CV.

At home, Sky Sports on, radio on, internet on, everything crossed. For the love of McGrath let it happen.

Is someone on a wind up? If this happened it would be the end for me, I would personally have to drive up to Villa Park and set fire to McLeish's hair.

Bye bye Emile!

Rather than focus on how completely terrible you have been for 99% of your Villa career I will try and remember when you were hit form for 3 games under Houllier and scored that winning header away at Wolves!

Gabby is so out of form it is untrue; on another day he could have had a hat trick.

Special mention today for Alan Hutton, take a bow son, because this was possibly your worst performance in a Villa shirt. You really are as good as the manager - a real 'coup' to sign you.

Hutton really is absolutely SHIT!

Someone is going to see red soon.

One all in handballs.

Early observations : Dunne already looks clearly unfit. Cuellar appears to have turned into Samson. Gabby's first touch continues to be poor.

Russell Brand.

We HAVE to stay up. I just can't see Lerner sacking him, he hasn't got a clue - evidenced by this amazing appointment in the first place.

You just know if we go down he will be given the chance to 'Get us back up at the first attempt' as he 'Has the experience - knows the Championship' etc

I agree, he's getting a very easy ride.

Part of the problem is the fans who don't want him there aren't attending the games in protest, and consequently their voice isn't being heard. I haven't been for the last few games myself as I was fed up watching the turgid shite being served up. If I did attend I think I would be quite vocal but my money is staying in my own pocket for the time being.