victie1

I think he already had his So much better than celebrity Tarzan on Chris Moyles!!

Don't say that Malc......please don't say that..........

Please read thru this....it's worth it! Just imagine sitting in traffic on you way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners with great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJ's call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes' he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same 3 questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard. Anyway, here's how it all went down: DJ: Hey! This is Ed on FOX FM. Have you ever heard of Mate Match? Contestant: (laughing) Yes, I have. DJ: Great. Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your first name please? Contestant: Brian. DJ: Are you married? Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married. DJ: Thank you. Now what is your wife's first name? Brian: Sara. DJ: Is Sara at work, Brian? Brian: She is gonna kill me. DJ: Stay with me here Brian. Is she at work? Brian (laughing) Yes , she is at work. DJ: Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex? Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning. DJ: Thats the boy, Brian! Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well? DJ: Question 2 - How long did it last? Brian: About ten minutes. DJ: Wow! You really want that trip, huh! No one would ever have said that if a trip was not at stake. Brian: Yeah, that trip sure would be nice. DJ: Okay, final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning? Brian: (laughing hard) I, ummm, I well..... DJ: This sounds good, Brian, Where was it at? Brian: Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks.... DJ: Uh huh. Brian: and the Mother in law was in the shower at the time. DJ: Thats the boy, Brian! Brian: On the kitchen table. DJ: Not that great? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (3 minutes of commercials follow) DJ: Okay audience, lets call Sara, shall we (Touch tones ringing) Clerk: Hello. DJ: Hey, is Sara there? Clerk: This is Sara. DJ: Sara, this is Ed on FOX FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian. Sara: (laughing) oh ok? DJ: Well, He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooo... do you know the rules of Mate Match? Sara: No. DJ: Good. Brian (laughing). Sara (laughing) Brian what the hell are you up to? Brian: Just answer the questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest. DJ: Yeah, yeah Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brians answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us. Sara: Ok. DJ: Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara? Sara: Oh God Brian..........uh, this morning before Brian went to work. DJ: What time? Sara: Around 8 this morning. DJ: Very good. Next question. How long did it last? Sara: 12, 15 minutes maybe. DJ: Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready? Sara: Yes. DJ: Where did you have it? Sara: OH MY GOD BRIAN! You did not tell them that did you? Brian: Just tell them honey. DJ: Come on Sara.... were running out of time? Sara: Well..... DJ: Come on Sara.... where did you have it? Sara: Up the ar$e. After a long pause, the DJ said, Folks, we need to take a station break. And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!!!!!!!

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?" Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?" "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want." Larry is recovering nicely at the hospital....

What is being explained? You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have. The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses. It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes. The shop assistant remains at the till waiting. Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes. At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, Whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes. Always remembering that until the purse has actually been thrown it would be plain wrong to be in front of the other shopper. Answer Now that's football's offside rule explained for girls and bearing in mind the world cup is coming soon I expect your full understanding and no questions during the game......PLEEEASE.

This guy was lonely, so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?" A little voice came out of the box:........... "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fu**ing shoes on."

SSN And yet SSN leave out the prudent lol

Freddie Mercury, Versace and The Queen Mother arrive at the Pearly gates. St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry. Freddie says "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be" "Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?" Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place" "Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Queen Mum?" The Queen Mother doesn't say a word. Instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her arse, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor. "Excellent, you're in" says St Peter "Hold on a fxxxxxx minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything" "Fxxx off Fred", says St Peter, "you know the rules. A royal flush always beats a pair of Queens...."

STOCK EXCHANGE ANNOUNCEMENT:

:crylaugh: :crylaugh:

I'm a season ticket and shareholder and I have been lied to for long enough and I guarentee you all that if that senile old ba$tard is still in charge next I WILL NOT renew my season ticket - I will not fill his pockets anymore and I work with a season ticket holder and he is seriously thinking about the same after 33 years and that is for the same reason - DOUG ELLIS! As soon as he goes I will be back and I will look forward to it too. I hate, loathe and detest the way one man has made me feel about the club I have loved for 26 years - BA$TARD!

Guys I am sorry to have to tell you but I have been struck down with Bird Flu I know it def bird flu as I have started talking utter bollox, wearing make-up and I cannot park the fecking car!!

Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away the tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, Now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Doreen agreed and again they made love. Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, "Honey, Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Dave however, heard the clock ticking in his head and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said:- ; ; ";Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

BRILLIANT!! Rob, is this your life?????????????????

A Scouser, a Geordie and a Manc are all working in Saudi Arabia. As it is a strict government, alcohol is against the law and the nightlife is pretty limited. The Englishmen decide that they will not get caught and decide to risk brewing their own. Unfortunately they are caught and hauled up in front of the Sheik. "Alcohol is strictly against my laws and as you have disobeyed me you will be punished" boomed the Sheik. "100 Lashes for each" "However, I have fond memories of England and I will grant you all one wish because of my sentimentality" The Geordie was 1st in line and when asked what wish he wanted he said with a smug grin "Tie a pillow to my back" The Sheik tied a pillow to the back of the Geordie and a huge arabic guy stepped up behind him with the whip. The pillow only lasted around 20 lashes before the whip cut through, after 80 the Geordie passed out with the pain and was carried off to his cell. Next up was the Scouser, having seen what had happened to the Geordie he was a bit panicked and not being the best at maths spluttered out "Tie 2 pillows to my back" The sheik looked at him curiously and carried out his wish, tying two pillows to his back. The same punishment began and obviously after only 40 lashes the whip cut through the pillow. The Scouser still had 60 lashes left and although he didn't pass out, he was whimpering when the sheik counted 100 and was dragged off back to his cell in a right state. The sheik turned to the Manc, who looked remarkably relaxed considering his circumstances. "I visited Manchesteras a youth and found it to be a most beautiful city, for this reason I will grant you 2 wishes my friend" The sheik said. The Manc was pleasantly surprised and said "Give me 300 lashes" The sheik looked at the Manc with total admiration "not only are you an honest man you are also very brave my friend" the sheik commented "and your second wish?" "Tie the scouser to my back”

What do you do if an elephant comes through your window? SWIM ****************** Bloke walks into a bar with a giraffe "Lie down here whailst I get the beers" he says to the giraffe Barman comes over and says "You cant leave that lyin' there" The bloke replies "Its not a lion - its a giraffe"

LEGENDARY STUFF Gordon Strachan - Football Manager and Comic Genius. 4th one down has to be the best............. On Wayne Rooney... "It's an incredible rise to stardom; at 17 you're more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson." Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?" Strachan: "Velocity" [walks off] Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today? Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there. Reporter: "Gordon, what will you take from today?" Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yoghurt to finish, the expiry date is today. Reporter: There goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it? Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge. Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here? Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. So I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick - down negative man, down. Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around? Strachan: No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless. Reporter: Where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up? Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret. Reporter: "What is your impression of Jermaine Pennant?" Strachan: "I don't do impressions" Reporter: So Gordon, any changes then? Strachan: Naw, still 5ft 6, ginger and a big nose! Gary Lineker: So Gordon, if you were English, what formation would you play? Strachan: If I was English I'd top myself

The dirtiest joke of 2005 (and probably 2006 now) I would like to apologise in advance!! There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day And they saw two teenagers having s*x on a bench. The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm..... they are making cakes." The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having s*x. Again she asks her mother "What are they doing?" And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes." The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, eh?" Shocked, the Mother says, "How do you know?" She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa." :shock:

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit. After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke. The Rabbit says, "Oh, Elephant you really shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you." The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit. Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin. The Rabbit runs up to him and says, "Hey, Bear, you shouldn't do that, think of your health. You'd be better of running in the woods with us." The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant. After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer. The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, "Hey Tiger, you really shouldn't d that." and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living crap out of the Rabbit. The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says, "What the hell are you doing, man?" The Tiger gets one more kick in and says, "Ah, that little f*cker really pis*es me off; he always makes me run around the bloody woods when he's on Ecstasy!"

Sorry Rob, it was late and I'd been drinking. Found it really funny last night!

Two elephants walk off a cliff ...... boom boom! :oops:

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

The shining wit of one Homer J Simpson - Just Brilliant Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get. Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer: Ham? Lisa: No! Homer: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal! Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful... magical animal. Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper? Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper! Homer: Oh, now who's being naive? Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive? Marge: That's because you were drunk! Homer: And how! Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building...thingie... where our beds and TV... is. Operator! Give me the number for 911! Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss? Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes! Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here? Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. Homer: Ummm... revenge? Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step step step...slam) Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer. Homer's Brain: It's a deal! Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner! Marge: How were you a political prisoner? Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture? Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer) Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse. Homer: Ooo, that's bad. Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yoghurt! Homer: That's good! Old man: The frozen yoghurt is also cursed. Homer: That's bad. Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings! Homer: That's good! Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate... Homer: (confused look) Old man: That's bad. Homer: Can I go now? Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races. Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology. Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated. Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology. Homer: Okay, I will! Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy. Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"? Homer: No! I swear on this bible! Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples. Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy. Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad! Homer: Did you wreck the car? Bart: No. Homer: Did you raise the dead? Lisa: Yes. Homer: But the car's okay? Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh. Homer: All right then. Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat... (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch). What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway. Homer: Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike! You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot." The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you." (And so easily replaced with Welshman )

I'm not saying that Ellis isn't looking out for himself my point was meant to read that he is stuck in a timewarp business wise. I couldn't agree more about the Comers pulling out re: the land we own. As a mate of mine pointed out it would be like trying to re-develop Moss Side for Citeh! Scares me to death!!!!!!!!!!!! Bickster that is a really scary thought - Demitri whilst I agree it is farcical we can't get hold of £1/2m to sign Bakke (wasted cash IMO anyway!) having a chairman who has to scrape together the cash is more of a scary prospect - we could find that money in a heartbeat and we all know it, we do have the ability to get the cash if we wanted to it is just HDE has chosen not too