Mandy Lifeboats

I once contacted British Gas and spoke to someone who was helpful.

18 minutes ago, chrisp65 said:

I was once employed to do the colour coded wayfinding in a hospital!

They constantly wanted to change and tweek everything and move away from logical colours and change where we wanted to hang signs and change the order of departments on the lists of departments. We eventually told them it was clearly such a deeply technical thing, colour wayfinding around their site, perhaps it was better if they just did it themselves.

 

To find colonoscopy simply follow the coloured line on the floor. 

It's brown with streaks of red. 

4 hours ago, Paddywhack said:

How many holes has a straw got?

A finite number that nears infinity or 1 or any number.

Near infinity -

A straw is made of atoms. Atoms are a nucleus surrounded by a cloud of electrons. Each gap in that cloud can be interpreted as a hole. It is impossible to count them. 

1 -

But two connected holes become a single hole.

Any number -

But you cannot guarantee that every hole is connected to every other hole at any moment in time. It's feasible that every number could exist at any moment in time. 

I need to get out more. 

How old is the Queen?

We might be getting the day off anyway. 

FFS - Throw a sickie.

I've already started to lay the groundwork. Today I casually mentioned that the warm weather is giving me headaches. Tomorrow I'll have lost my appetite. Thursday will see me experience a crushing pain in the chest and numb left arm. Friday is scheduled to see a sudden fear of water and slight frothing at the mouth. Saturday I shall email my boss asking if I should walk into the light. 

Trust me.......it's foolproof.

1 hour ago, Stevo985 said:

 

**** all of y’all

It's too hot for anything like that.

4 minutes ago, mjmooney said:

The downside is that vampires can get in more easily. 

A vampire can only enter a house if invited. So don't.

If you leave the cellar door open it allows cold air to circulate. But that does allow the children to escape and contact the authorities. 

Probably the best tip I've ever been given.

If it's hot and you live in a house, leave your loft hatch open. Hot air rises and it definitely reduces the heat of bedrooms by a few degrees. 

Try it. It works. 

I just about remember the summer of 76. Our school field had the canal running along one side. There was about 3 feet of grass on that side.  The rest was scorched grass or dirt. I spent most of the summer in a plastic paddling pool in the back garden. Those weren't the days of pool chemicals and cleanliness. My first task every day was to remove the grass cuttings, dead insects,  dead hedgehogs and frogs that had found their way into the pool overnight.  I suppose a cover might have helped, but this was the 70s and germs never hurt anyone. Of course there was a hosepipe ban and the only way to fill up the pool legally was dozens of trips using a watering can. The can had probably been used to deliver weed killer to the garden and liquid fertiliser......but who cares about a few chemicals. It hasn't had a lasting effect on me. Spoons didn't talk as much as they did in the 80s and the voices in my head weren't as violent as they are now.  

An American wakes up in hospital. 

Doctor 》You were involved in a terrible car crash 3 months ago. You suffered major injuries but everything has healed apart from one thing. We had to amputate your penis. But don't worry. There is $12,000 left from your insurance pay out. We can make you a new penis but it will cost $1000 per inch. Anything you don't spend you can keep. Talk it over with your wife and let me know what size you want. 

The following day...........

Doctor 》 Have you chatted with your wife?

Patient 》Yes

Doctor 》What are you having?

Patient 》A fitted kitchen with granite worktops. 

2 hours ago, sidcow said:

"No honestly, Anal Frenzy 8 is a car park in Wolverhampton" 

Thanks for the info Mr Collim...........(this post has been terminated by the Villa Talk automatic liable detector)

1. No we are not. There are tough times ahead but it's only a matter of time until we bounce back.

2. Villa has a brand and a history. That's worth something.

3. Football is one of the few businesses where you can operate badly, produce a poor product but still get people buying your product out of pure loyalty. 

4. We have a fan base that is larger than 95% of English clubs. We may go into lower leagues but we will eventually find a level where even our worst levels of support are far superior to our competitors.

5. There's always FC Villa of Aston to fall back on.

6. What we are facing now is no worse than what Wolves, Brighton and Rangers faced in fairly recent history. 

7. Disasters sell papers. The Media aren't going to give us a fair and reasonable picture. They are going to portray the worst possible scenario. The Millenium bug didn't cause us to go back to the Stone Age; no-one caught aids from swimming in Freddie Mercury's local baths; the UK banking system didn't collapse; that idiot  TV reality star Trump suffered a humiliating defeat in the presidential election.*

* OK. .........I accept there are exceptions. 

On 18/05/2016 at 19:46, Mandy Lifeboats said:

"Xia Out"

2020 protest banners shouldn't cost much to print. 

Wow......even earlier than I jokingly predicted.

Bob Dylan - Hey Mr Tambourine man play a song for me.

How many songs have ever been played on the Tambourine?

Springsteen - Can't start a fire without a spark. 

There are numerous ways.

Busted - "I've been to the year 3000. Not much has changed but they live underwater. But your great great great grand-daughter looks mighty fine."

With a generation being approximately 25-30 years apart this could not account for a period of 1000 years without significant changes to life expectancy. 

Abba- My my, at Waterloo, Napoleon did surrender.

No....he lost but definitely didn't surrender. 

I'll start you off with a few examples.  

Band Aid - "There won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time." 

There's are several mountains in Africa that are snow capped in December. Such as.......

Toto - "Kilimanjaro rising like Mount Olympus above the Serengeti." 

Not unless it's moved.

Julie Andrews - "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down".

Dangerous advice to diabetics.

Oasis - "Slowly walking down the hall,  faster than a cannonball."

Cannonballs are rarely noted for their slow velocity. 

Does anyone want to offer any more?

Why is a girl from Wolverhampton like a Las Vegas hooker?

They will both have sex for a pile of chips. 

Falling down stairs and fracturing my skull. 

Luckily there was no lasting damage. 

The goblin that lives in my head used his magic to make me better. 

Spoons. 

Will everyone wear orange at Dale Winton's funeral?

Barbara Bush - 92

5 hours ago, PriceyDownunder said:

Ivan Mauger dead at 78.

Suffered from Alzheimer's in later years.

GOAT?

GOAT? Probably.

I saw him ride many times. He was one of those riders who could win without looking like he was trying. A true professional.