Cizzler

To make up for that, I'll give you a few of my favourite one-liners..

"This summer I'm going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say "Get a life!" on them"

"The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face."

"A computer once beat me at chess., but it was no match for me at kickboxing."

"There are various ways to give up smoking - nicotine patches, nicotine gum. My auntie used to pour a gallon of petrol on herself every morning"

"I'm in therapy at the moment. I don't need it, obviously, but I got all these psychiatrist gift vouchers for Christmas which my family clubbed together for. What I really wanted was a crossbow."

"In Vegas I got into a long arguement with the man at the roullete wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."

"I bought a pack of Animal Crackers and it said on it, 'Do not eat if seal is broken'. So I opened it up, and sure enough . . ."

"I used to think the brain was the greatest organ in the human body, then I realised, 'Hey! Look who's telling me that!'"

How do you know when your sister's on her period ?

Cos your dad's dick tastes funny.

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. A woman asks, "What are you?" He says, "I'm a Fireman" "But you're only wearing a glass jar?" says the woman. "Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can"

Or the guy in only his underwear, who went as a premature ejectulator. "I just came in my pants".

James Milner once killed two stones, with one bird

Is your aim to put that in every thread ?

I don't think he'll leave Everton. Especially this transfer window. Why would he leave this Jan :S ?

He's clearly settled at Everton, playing well, and without doubt a big fish in a small pond - where as at Arsenal he would be competing with Fabregas, Nasri etc.

The only way I can see him leaving is if Everton are absolutely desperate for the money. Yet, who (for that price) could they replace him with ?

4) Wayne Rooney does a Zinedine Zidane and headbutts Marco Materazzi in the chest after the Italian snipes that he would “rather NOT have Rooney’s mum”.

7) Manchester United fans sing “same old I-Ti’s, always cheating”, even though Inter don’t have a single Italian in their team.

Isn't that contradictory

^^ Where's James Vaughan ?

How do you get a fat girl into bed ?

Piece of cake.

[Jimmy Carr] Why did the tiger get lost ?

Cos the jungle is massif! [/Jimmy Carr]

Edit: Good call, Stevo

[Jimmy Carr] Why did the tiger get lost ?

Cos the jingle is massif! [/Jimmy Carr]

If we're all gods children, what's so special about Jesus?

Jimmy Carr's a Villa fan

On the theme of looking for things - if anyone can find me a clip somewhere of Stephen Fry on The Kumars at Number 42 I'd appreciate it. I know the Kumars was a shit show, but Fry's reply to their question on quantum physics and their reaction is bloody hilarious.

This clip aint from youtube, but here it is.

Homemade Olypics pt 1

The last one really had me in stitches

From the same guy..

The last one is actually amazing.

How about instead of nicking Rangers song, we make up our own ?

Carlos Cuellar, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh

Carlos Cuellar, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh...

To the tune of Rihanna's Umbrella ?

Well I like it

On the opposition side, most of you will have heard of former AC Milan, Internazionale and ... Norwich player Thomas Helveg. Their captain is central midfielder Esben Hansen, notable as being the only player ever to captain Denmark on his international debut. They have an exciting Senegalese forward by the name of Baye Djiby Fall who scored both their goals in the 2nd leg against Turku. Martin Bisgaard who spent 4 seasons with Derby County and they also have the older brother of ex-Aston villa reserve Magnus Troest, Jonas.

Most will have heard of Eric Djemba-Djemba aswell. Lets hope he doesnt 'do a darius' against us.

No, idea if this has been posted before and I'm not trawling through 23 pages..

But I find this hilarious. I'm immature, I know.

Hey Marine

Ahhh, its funny from his little snake dance to his proud his thumbs up.

also a good song, dont no if already posted before.....

(Felix the cat tune? i think)

Follooooow Folloooooow Folloooooooow

because wer'e going to Inter totooooooo

we'll be playing in sheds, well be pissed out our heads

because we're going to inter totooooooo

I love that! I'd been trying to think of a Villa song to that tune, and failed miserably. Mine went summin like "if the noses are there, there'l be stamping on heads". Yours is so much better!

Anyway, whats wrong with..

You are my Barry, my Gareth Barry,

You make me happy, when skies are grey,

you dont know dear how much we love you,

So please don't take, my Barry away...

Also, I know he's already got a popular song, but what about changing the words of "livin la vida loca" to "nigel reo-coker". Ah wel, its an idea.

Can anyone clarify ?

Is it 'Gabby gabby gabby gabby gabby agbonlahor hes fast as **** hes fast as fuuuuuuuuck'

or...

'Gabby gabby gabby gabby gabby agbonlahor hes got to score... he's got to scoooooooore'

I swear I hear both, and just wondered what you lot sing ?