mattavfc

Two women are playing golf one Saturday morning. The first one tees off and watches in horror as her ball hooks and heads towards a group of men playing another hole. The ball hits one guy who crumples in a heap on the ground, both hands clenched firmly between his legs. The women rush over, and the one who hit the ball says, "I'm really sorry, please let me help you-I'm a physical therapist and I can ease the pain if you'd allow me." "Oooh-ahhh-oooooh!" screams the guy, writhing around on the ground with his hands still between his legs. "I'll be alright in a couple of minutes love..." But the woman is persistant and pins him down and unbuckles his belt, unzips him and slips her hand inside and massages his groin. "How does that feel?" she asks. "It feels absolutely great," says the guy smiling, "But my thumb still hurts like buggery!"

Got a feeling Greg will like this one :wink: A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the hooker for 3 hours straight. She has multiple orgasms! After 3 hours he stops, ***s all over her tummy, gets up and puts on his little koala clothes. The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion. "Oh God, that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs. Then the hooker says, "No, I need my money. I'm a hooker and this is how I make a living." The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary and thumbs through it to "hooker." She hands it to the koala bear and it reads: >"HOOKER: person who has sex for money." > >Then the koala bear turns the page to koala bear and walks out the >door. >The hooker reads: > >"KOALA BEAR: Eats bush, shoots, and leaves

A blonde takes her broked down for repair at the garage, the mechanic fixes it in two minutes, he tells her "Just shit in the air filter", she says, "How often do i have to do that?"

Two guys are sitting in the club house having a beer after a round of golf.The door opens and a man walks in wearing a tweed jacket, tweed trousers & brown leather riding boots. "Who's that?" asks the first guy. His friend replies, "He's a country member." The first guy says,"Don't worry, I'll remember!"

:wink: Glad you all like it.

One day, little Tommy wanders into the local brothel, dragging a dead frog on a piece of string. Thud,thud, thud etc! He goes up to the woman at the desk and says, "Please miss, I'd like a girl please." The woman said "Go home sonny, you're far too young." Tommy then puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out a £50 note. The woman looked at him and said "Up the stairs, 3rd door on the right." So off he went, still dragging his frog behind him. Thud, thud etc. but he then turned around and said, "I forgot to ask, the girl must have active herpes!" "No way!" the woman shouts, "All our girls are clean." Once again Tommy reaches into his pocket and pulls out another £50 note. "4th door on the right," she said. Half an hour later, little Tommy comes back down stairs still with the frog dragging behind him, Thud , thud, thud etc. He's about to leave, when the woman says, "I can understand curiosity at your age but why did you want a girl with herpes?" "Well," says Tommy, "When I get home, the babysitter will be there. I'll screw her before she goes home and she'll get the herpes. Later on, dad will take her home and have her in the back of the car and he'll get herpes. Later, he will come home and jump on mummy and she'll get herpes too. In the morning, daddy will go to work, the milkman will come and get into bed with mummy and he'll get herpes and HE'S THE B*STARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!"

A man meets a friend and sees that his friends car is a total write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. "What's happened to your car?" "Well," the friend replies, "I ran over Robbie Savage." "OK" says the first man, "That explains the blood, but what about the branches, dirt, leaves and grass?" "Well," said the second guy, "He tried to escape through the park!"

^^Gettin better again greg!

Likin these

A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings. It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her "you have the nicest breasts". She says "thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you". He replies "I would pay you $10 just to see one of them". She thinks for a minute and decides to do it. He says "Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw....I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time". She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says "your best friend just stopped by". He answers "Great did he leave the $20 he owed me?"

Quality

Back to Blose: How do you drown a thick a$$ blue nose? a scratch n sniff at the bottom of a swimming pool.

Love the daft ones

Another dirty one for Greg, Bill & Ben were having sex. Bill said "Flobba flobbalobba flob!" Ben said "If you loved me, you would have swallowed that!"

This one is pretty crap, but worth a read: A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a female hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts. "Say, what's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck. "It's Snow ... Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?" "Me, I'm June ... June Hansen," she said. After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?" "Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered, ....having eight inches of Snow in June?"

A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding. Officer: May i see your licence? Lady: what does it look like? Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it. The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer. The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'

I don't think this is that great, but it might suit your dirty mind Greg, One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children. Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car. So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach. When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well. 16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?" "What?" I pissed out a bullet. So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago. Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet." So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago. Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?" The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet." "No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"

I love this one.... Why don't they serve Tea & coffee at St Andrews? Because the mugs are on the pitch & the cups are at Villa Park.

As you wish, Mrs Bruce comes home from being at the doctor and says to potato head "the doctor says I have the t*ts and a"se of an 18 year old!" Potato head says "Oh yeah and what did he say about your 40 year old word removed?" Mrs Bruce "Well he never mentioned you!"

(sorry about the double post) How about this one? Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams.The first one asks, "Oh Lord when will England next win the World Cup?" God Replies, "In the next five years." "But I'll be dead by then," says the man. The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Forest next win the European Cup?" The Good Lord - answers, "In the next ten years." "But I'll be dead by then," says the man. The third one asks, "Oh Lord when will Blose win the Premier League?". God answers, "I'll be dead by then!"

While I'm on a role, not really jokes, but quite funny i think: THINGS I HATE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2. People who are willing to get off their *** to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually. 3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fu*king right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it? 4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? 5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No ***, I paid £5 to come to the cinema and stare at the **** floor. 6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine? 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. 8. When people say "life is short". What the ***?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever **** does!! What can you do that's longer? 9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, nobhead?

Cheers, Steve Bruce was cleaning out his office when he found an old lamp. He gave ut a wipe and out popped a Genie-who granted him one wish. "I'd like to build a bridge from St. Andrews to my house", he says. "Oh no," says the Genie,"you'll have to choose something easier." "Okay, can you make Emile Heskey score 20 goals a season?" asks Bruce. Quick as a flash the Genie replies: "So what colour do you want this bridge, then?

Another daft one.... What do you call a Boomerang that dont come back? A Stick (sorry)

Nicked this off the OS message board, Not the funniest joke in the world, but i like it! On the sixth day whilst God was busy creating the world Angel Gabriel asked why he did not create it like heaven where everyone was happy and nobody was sad. God's reply was "Well Gabriel I created the world on the philosophy that all things would be balanced as is the struggle between good and evil, where there is sucess you will have failure, where there is joy the will be sadness and so on" "For example Take North America, full of rich people with no fear of every going hungry and then you have South America, rife with poverty and hunger" "I see" replys Gabriel "Another good example is North Korea, here the people are oppressed and ruled by a ruthless dictatorship, where as in South Korea, the people enjoy freedom and prosperity. In the Middle East they will have lots of desert but from these deserts there will be oil which will compensate for all the sand" "I believe that where there is good there is evil, where their is happiness it is equaled by pain" "You have hurricanes and floods in places where there is sunshine and tropical paradises" Then Angel Gabriel looked down at Villa Park and siad "What about this place God?" God replied "Thats one of my favourites, here the people of Birmingham and beyond will watch masters play the beautiful game on this hallowed ground steeped in a rich history of footballing legend and they will acheive great things and the world will marvel into the ages at the name Aston Villa FC" Gabriel then asked "What about the balance?" God retorted "Wait until you see the w a n k e r s I put next door to them!!!"