BillyShears

I must say that the RTA victims coming in to my A&E dept have worn a seat belt. The ones who don't go straight to the morgue.That's if they can find the body of course.

A south african gold miner was caught in a terrible underground explosion and lost one of his legs.

After he had recovered his doctor advised hime that he would no longer be able to work in the mines.

"What am I going to do Doc? Who's going to want a one legged gold digger?" asked the miner.

"Try Paul McCartney" the doctor replied.

Q: What's red and white and goes 'beep beep beep beep'?

A: The arsenal open top bus reversing back into the garage on wednesday night.

Let's see...

- A father scares his young son witless.

- Tapes the whole thing.

- Doesn't offer any apology or comfort when the kid is crying.

- Posts the video on the internet to further his embarrassment.

And that's funny? This is your son, not your mate.

Spot on.

We are an insular self-gratifying community, why change that?

So the takeover was being part managed by a serial fantasist fraudster who assisted the downfall of leeds and is now in prison.

This is a joke right?

[Ahamaad wrote]

I tried to buy this in the shops but couldn't find it anywhere. Resisted the temptation to askanyone as it would mean the end of my career and my sex life.

Glad I don't work for gillette

Viewing (ahem)

45, about half way through if I'm lucky.

...and don't forget to shave

I met a gaming programmer student today and asked him what game he was currently playing. Sure enough he exclaimed the brilliance of this game. He said it was the best game he had ever played and that he had completed it. I noticed that he also had a beard.

Looks like Turok with nice graphics.

A beard 'em up

I gave Naz a video of the first march at the second march, he grunted and turned away. Did he ever compile a video?

Apart from that you are all a figment of my imagination.

Woman goes to the Doctor and says, "Doctor my vagina keeps singing". The Doctor replies, "Really? Can you tell what it's singing?"

The woman says, "Yes, it sings 'Amarillo' all the time".

The Doctor says, " It's OK every other word removed in Britain is singing that at the moment"

Buy some Lucky Bags, you never know and you'd make one hell of a saving.

Damn, no wonder I can't get a picture on this confounded T.V. set.

1960, now that's old.

Journey to the Centre of the Earth

A bit of schoolboy humour:

A bloke walks int a pub with a big L painted on his left wellie and a big R painted on his right wellie. The barmaid asks why he has the letters on his wellies and he tells her it's so he knows which foot to put them on. "Oh", she says, "so that's why there's a tag with C&A inside my knickers"

Hope this is not too sick:

A paedophile is walking hand in hand with a little boy into some woods. The little boy looks up at the man and says, "It's getting really dark in here". The man looks down and says, "It's alright for you, I have to go back on my own".

A bloke came in my local the other day, he reckoned he could tell different types of wood by their smell. So the landlord decided to put him to the test and the man agree to be blindfolded stating that he would correctly identify three different kinds of timber just by smelling them.

The man was duly blindfolded and the landlord wafted an old oak drawer under his nose. "English Oak", said the man.

The landlord was impressed, and deciding to make the man's task more difficult he placed a black piano key under his nose. "Ebony", stated the man.

The landlord was determined to out do the stranger and grabbed the barmaid, turned her upside down, and stuffed her arse under his nose. "That's easy", said the man, "It's a shithouse door off a grimsby trawler".

The whistling sound is that joke going completely over my head.

What do you call a bloke with no arms and no legs under a pile of leaves? Russell

What do you call a bloke with no arms and no legs in the sea? Bob

What do you call a bloke with a seagull on his head? Cliff

moan

Just as crap is:

Two prostitutes in a taxi, one says, "Can you smell spunk?"

The other one says "Oh, sorry, I just burped."