northernvilla

GARY GLITTER FACING THE FIRING SQUAD.

HAVE YOU ANY LAST REQUESTS?

YES. I'D LIKE PETER CROUCH TO SHOOT ME..

excellent!!

Cant believe this thread has been going nearly two years. Not having been on the site in a while I had to check it was the same one!!

Keep it up

^^^^^^LMFAO

The Queen was visiting one of London's top hospitals and she specified

she wanted to see absolutely everything.

During her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient

was w*nking. "Oh my!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the

meaning of this?" The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry

your Majesty, but this man has a very serious medical condition and is only following doctors orders. His body produces too much semen and his

testicles keep overfilling. Until we can find out exactly what is

causing this problem he's been instructed to do that at least 5 times a

day or there is a danger that his testicles will explode, and He would

die instantly. "Oh, I am sorry", said the Queen. On the next floor they

passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a bl*w-job "Oh

my goodness!", said the Queen, "What on earth is happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, but he's with BUPA".

ive only just seen that thread, im going of course, i following england to most home and away games

anyone going on saturday??

I cannot believe this thread is still going, seems to have been slightly overtaken in the pages though, haha

errrrr, :oops:

definately not PC but here we go..

NEWSFLASH:

victoria beckham has admitted to sleeping with Michael Jackson

Jacko denies it saying he was in Brooklyn at the time!

:oops:

very good rob

i thought ud like that one...

oh dear oh dear, if this had been my first offering then im sure i would have been banned from this thread, but anyway here you go...I take no responsibility for laughter related injuries.

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking

battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off."

and they just coming....

Bloke picks up a chines girl at a disco, takes her home.

She says, "I'll do anything for you"

He says, "what about 69"

"**** off" she says, "me no cook this time of night"

I thought this one is great...and if you can imagine it being told with an accent then all the better....

A new Zealander, an Austrailian and a South African are sharing a beer in a bar in Auckland one Friday night, on the eve of a crucial Tri-Nations rugby match.

All of the sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his galss in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He announces with patriotic fervour, "in south africa our glasses are so sheap we need never drink from the same one twice"

The aussie, obviously impressed with this, drinks his beer, throws the glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Well mate in 'Straaaaaaaalia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we dont need to drink out of the same glass twice either"

They both turn and look at the New Zealand man. The Kiwi, cool as you like, drinks his beer, throws the glass in the air and shoots the South African and the Australian........

"in Auckland" he says, "we have so many smartass South Africans and Australians that we dont need to drink with the same ones twice!!!

A man walked into a pub with a chunk of asphalt under his arm

He said, I'll have one for me and one for the road

oh dear, TAXI!!!!......................

:oops:

i went for 5-9 but closer to the 5 mark i think,

I thought id get this one back to the top with another (very similar to my last post), Not the one about Newcastle stupid!! 8)

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While there, he is

very sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom all the time..

A week after arriving back home in the states, he wakes one

morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple

spots.Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor,

never having seen anything like this before,

orders some tests and tells the man to return

in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says:

"I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and

almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says:

"Well, give me a shot or something and

fix me up, doc". The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure.

We're going to have to amputate your penis".The man screams in horror,

"Absolutely not! I want a second opinion". The doctor replies:

"Well, it's your cho ice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only

choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that

he'llknow more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his

penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease". The guy

says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do?

My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always

want to cut, cut, cut, Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies. "Yes", says the Chinese doctor,

"You no worry! Save money. You wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!"

quite simply...that is the biggest joke ive heard in ages....

and dont get me started on newcastle...oh how i laughed...

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer, when he hears

a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man,

clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson says to him, "Look,

you've obviously got the wrong man," and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little

Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.He thrusts his clipboard

under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese

man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man!

I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a

knock on the door again.On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese

man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind

him are two very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his

temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at

him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name!

Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and

says:

(It's a beauty)

(wait for it)

(Get your best Chinese accent ready)

"You not Nissan Main Dealer?!"