CarewsEyebrowDesigner Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Eugh, back on-topic I just found a **** mealworm in my pistachios. How much Aids do I now have? All of them. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
packoman Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 The female commentator for the Curling, don't like the way she talks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morpheus Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 (edited) Thought I'd share a joke in this thread because it pissed off a former teacher of mine when it really shouldn't have. On a special teachers day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from pupils. The florist's son handed over a gift to the teacher who shook it and said 'I bet I know what it is-flowers.' 'Thats right' said the pupil. The next pupil was the candy stores owner daughter. The teacher held and shook her gift and said 'I bet I can guess what it is-a box of candy.' That's right saiid the girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owners son. The teacher held the bag over his head and noticed that it was leaking. He touched a drop of the leakage with his finger and tasted it. 'Is it wine' he asked? 'No' the boy replied. The teacher then repeated the process touching another drop of the leakage to his tongue. 'Is it champagne' he asked? 'No' the boy replied. The teacher then said 'I give up, what is it?' The boy replied 'a puppy!' I guess the moral of that story is as my teacher friend said is there for all to see. Edited February 17, 2014 by Morpheus 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GarethRDR Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 The female commentator for the Curling Voinj... oh it's just too easy, these days. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted February 17, 2014 VT Supporter Share Posted February 17, 2014 Moving on Guy in my office can't understand sarcasm, or just doesn't have a sense of humour. He went to the indoor athletics on the weekend. They shot t shirts in to the crowd and he got one. So I asked, obviously sarcastically "Did you push a load of kids out of the way to get that?" No smile, just a reply of "No! We were sitting very near the front of the upper tier so there was nobody in front of us. It landed at my feet so I just picked it up" Sounded like I was interviewing him at a police station given his answer. Possible aspergers/autism? Is he a bit socially awkward? Yeah that's definitely it, I've said as much before. He's brilliant at his job, he just has no social skills. Can't read people at all. There was a guy on the undateables a few weeks back who had Aspergers and he was so similar to this guy it was scary (this guy is my supervisor by the way, so it does get frustrating) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarewsEyebrowDesigner Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Answering the phone and there's no **** there. Example; my phone just rang. I answered. No reply. Then a tone. Then an automated voice says "goodbye". ****. I ring 1471. There's a number. I press 3 to call back. Automated voice tells me "this number does not exist". HOW THE **** DID THEY JUST CALL ME THEN???? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarewsEyebrowDesigner Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 GCHQ. Best hide yer porn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paddywhack Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 People leaning on the back of my chair. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted February 17, 2014 VT Supporter Share Posted February 17, 2014 Thought I'd share a joke in this thread because it pissed off a former teacher of mine when it really shouldn't have. On a special teachers day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from pupils. The florist's son handed over a gift to the teacher who shook it and said 'I bet I know what it is-flowers.' 'Thats right' said the pupil. The next pupil was the candy stores owner daughter. The teacher held and shook her gift and said 'I bet I can guess what it is-a box of candy.' That's right saiid the girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owners son. The teacher held the bag over his head and noticed that it was leaking. He touched a drop of the leakage with his finger and tasted it. 'Is it wine' he asked? 'No' the boy replied. The teacher then repeated the process touching another drop of the leakage to his tongue. 'Is it champagne' he asked? 'No' the boy replied. The teacher then said 'I give up, what is it?' The boy replied 'a puppy!' I guess the moral of that story is as my teacher friend said is there for all to see. Why was he pissed off? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shillzz Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 So i'm going away for 3 months, and i'm desperately trying to save some money on my bills while i'm away, which is proving impossible. The one that particularly tickled me though was council tax: I have to pay it while i'm away, but what really annoys me is that I can't get single person occupancy discount, because there's not a single person there! For those who aren't aware, you can get 25% off your bill if you live on your own, but despite no one being there at all, i'm not eligible for it. Shithouses. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theunderstudy Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Slam-ons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meath_Villan Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 5pm every motha **** day the internet goes to shite from 3.2 down to 0.95 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GeorgeVilla82 Posted February 17, 2014 VT Supporter Share Posted February 17, 2014 So i'm going away for 3 months, and i'm desperately trying to save some money on my bills while i'm away, which is proving impossible. The one that particularly tickled me though was council tax: I have to pay it while i'm away, but what really annoys me is that I can't get single person occupancy discount, because there's not a single person there! For those who aren't aware, you can get 25% off your bill if you live on your own, but despite no one being there at all, i'm not eligible for it. Shithouses. Yep, I've got an empty house in Sutton Coldfield that's up for sale. It don't qualify for any relief or discount whilst it's empty - I have to pay full council tax on it, despite not using any services in Sutton Coldfield (I live in Hertfordshire), So I asked them if it would be cheaper for me to say that I lived there on my own, which they agreed that it would, as I would qualify for 25% discount. Completely ridiculous. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shillzz Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 So i'm going away for 3 months, and i'm desperately trying to save some money on my bills while i'm away, which is proving impossible. The one that particularly tickled me though was council tax: I have to pay it while i'm away, but what really annoys me is that I can't get single person occupancy discount, because there's not a single person there! For those who aren't aware, you can get 25% off your bill if you live on your own, but despite no one being there at all, i'm not eligible for it. Shithouses. Yep, I've got an empty house in Sutton Coldfield that's up for sale. It don't qualify for any relief or discount whilst it's empty - I have to pay full council tax on it, despite not using any services in Sutton Coldfield (I live in Hertfordshire), So I asked them if it would be cheaper for me to say that I lived there on my own, which they agreed that it would, as I would qualify for 25% discount. Completely ridiculous. Funnily enough, that's pretty much what I said to them aswell. I was going to set up an account in my cat's name while I was away, but it barely seems worth the hassle. It's ok though, because my mother in law kindly informed me that she's never had to pay council tax due to being on the receiving end of hundreds of pounds worth of housing benefit. That put my mind at rest somewhat. /sarcasm. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GarethRDR Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 (edited) Well, I've just pinged off a complaint to Tesco's over that pistachio. Annoyingly, there's a 1000 character limit on their web forms, thus denying me my preferred level of verbosity when it comes to complaining. I purchased 2 packets of pistachios in our last order, and had gotten round to eating some this morning when I came upon one that was rancid. I'm not one for exaggeration, but it was a genuine struggle to keep from vomiting. After spitting it out, I had a look at what was left; it was black, shriveled and had what appeared to be white fur on it (I've taken a picture if you need a look). The rest of the (in-date) packet was binned. After some research online (and some unnervingly familiar pics) I believe that a Navel Orangeworm is the culprit and - worse still - I've inadvertently eaten the thing. This would explain the aftertaste that 3 packets of Monster Munch were unable to rid me of. Admittedly, the internet being the internet, it also stated that I either have "pistachio cancer" or "all the Aids", but I'm 99% sure on the worm. Which is SUPER gross and has put me off pistachios. So, thanks for that. PS despite my levity, this is a genuine complaint. Regards, -Gareth Edited February 17, 2014 by GarethRDR 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GarethRDR Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 The pistachio in question... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted February 17, 2014 VT Supporter Share Posted February 17, 2014 Looks lovely! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adw95 Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Looks like a crusty turd. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GarethRDR Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 (edited) It genuinely tasted like the arsehole of Jabba the Hutt. I imagine. Edited February 17, 2014 by GarethRDR Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts