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Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread


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2 hours ago, bobzy said:

I think the first part has a massive amount of variance involved - the most prevalent being, what exactly counts as "cheating"? - so I'd be interested to see what the data defines that as.  I find it hard to believe that 50% of people have had sex with another person whilst in a relationship.  I find it harder still to believe that 50% of people have had sex with another person whilst in a happy and loving relationship.  50% of people having kissed someone whilst in a relationship?  Yes, I can completely believe that.  For me, I fall into the latter and not into the former.  I'm absolutely not holier than thou.

You're not wrong that this is a very difficult area to study, because unsurprisingly many people do not want to tell researchers that they have cheated on their partners. Self-reporting can lead to denial, and the passage of time to forgetfulness, but most published academic articles I've seen put the lifetime prevalence of extra-marital sex at somewhere between 20 and 40% for men, and between 20 and 25% for women, and then roughly similar numbers again for infidelity involving actions less than sex.

2 hours ago, bobzy said:

There are a couple of issues that I have with the situation - and what you've written here - and I appreciate that it's a personal view.

The first one is this arrogant assumption that he can just go and "get sex" .  That he has a right to just go and get laid.  The "not my sister or friends" part is particularly interesting.  Are they both of the opinion that this bloke can simply ask her sister or friends for a shag and they'd say yes?  What sort of relationships are those?!

On this, I don't know if you're responding to me, but to be clear I completely agree that no-one has a 'right' to have sex.

2 hours ago, bobzy said:

If it is a cold "just anyone" thing, why not consider prostitution first?  Then you're removing the emotional aspect - it becomes a transaction to get your end away and nothing more involved which could adversely impact on the happy and loving relationship with ones wife.  As I say, though, personal view.

I don't think prostitution is the worst idea in this scenario to be honest, but it is illegal to pay for sex which poses certain challenges, and it's possible that one or other partner has prejudiced or skeptical views about prostitutes. But sure, it could be an option on the table.

2 hours ago, bobzy said:

Thirdly, the original post said something along the lines of mates' wife has just gone through the change and is on medication, both of which have combined to result in her losing her sex drive.  I think there is some validity in what you're saying from a "no sex for the rest of my life" point of view, but the context seemed to suggest that this is a relatively new change that they are adapting to.  Out of interest, and given that you've said you would like to think you'd offer the same resolution, what kind of time frame would you think is 'acceptable' between last shag with wife and having a discussion about sleeping around because "I need my release"?  Even the consideration around that - you'd absolutely be wanking first; that would be the way of finding your release.  Surely you'd go for a pretty long time 'waiting' for your wife to regain her libido before even thinking about shagging someone else?

Again, it's a reasonable point, the OP didn't make clear how long a timeframe we are talking about, or how old the people involved are. My assumption from the post was that efforts had been made to rekindle the couple's sex life and that they had been unsuccessful. But I don't think there's a *should* timeframe in this, not trying to be a cop-out but it depends too much on what has been said and done before, whether the idea of opening up the marriage has been discussed previously, what circumstances are happening now etc.

2 hours ago, bobzy said:

Those would be the issues.  The final point is more... is there really any advice needed here?  As you say, it's been an open discussion.  Surely the only question is in his head as to whether he would want to go through with it?  If he feels like it's an act of betrayal, then he shouldn't shag someone else, no?

Ultimately the question is whether his feeling that he may be betraying his wife outweighs or is outweighed by the permission she has given. But I think there is some need for advice, specifically that if the permission is real, then he does not need to consider this 'an act of betrayal'. Instead, a more helpful mental framing might be 'a valuable gift' instead, one which he should treat carefully and with respect, and look to pay back (presumably in a different way) in the future.

Edited by HanoiVillan
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3 hours ago, lapal_fan said:

I'm sure you're not the only one.

I know a couple who went through it in their mid 20s, whilst it wasn't my wife it was someone we know really well.

I wouldn't want my wife to go through an severe reactions.

Your right,  I am sure I am not the only one. Ever considered a career in the Samaritans? 
 

Your ‘friends’ wife situation really is of no relevance, going ‘through it’ as the symptoms vary massively from woman to woman and is somewhat  anecdotal regardless 

Let’s hope your wife does not, on that we agree at least 

 

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7 hours ago, mikeyp102 said:

. When they do eventually go back to martial sex, all these things will be going on in her head, and possibly his. 
 

Sounds painful. 

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4 hours ago, Follyfoot said:

If they have and are not interested in giving their opinion on the subject as per thx discussion your comment is completely irrelevant 

Yes but they might have and have commented which was the whole point. You've got no idea and you aren't in a unique situation

Also don't come on to a forum, post a scenario "for a mate" then blow a gasket when you don't like the answers

And for the record, the my missus went through a very strong early menopause triggered by chemotherapy she recieved after she had a cancerous breast removed. And no I've never even thought about playing away

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25 minutes ago, bickster said:

Yes but they might have and have commented which was the whole point. You've got no idea and you aren't in a unique situation

Also don't come on to a forum, post a scenario "for a mate" then blow a gasket when you don't like the answers

And for the record, the my missus went through a very strong early menopause triggered by chemotherapy she recieved after she had a cancerous breast removed. And no I've never even thought about playing away

Firstly it was not directed at you, You had not provided any real commentit apart from joking it was a trap. It was directed at the one poster as you well know. Secondly I’m ever so sorry to hear about your wife and I really do feel for you and her. I genuinely hope she’s better now 

In addition I’ve not blown a gasket I’ve just reacted to one posters comments. Thirdly it was not my suggestion as I confirmed I was just looking for guidance and possible advice in this situation, it does feel like I’m in a unique situation because it’s impossible really to talk to anybody about it unless anonymously regarding the situation I find myself in the last two years. 
 

It has taken me five weeks of starting a comment on this thread deleting it and going back to it

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15 minutes ago, Follyfoot said:

Firstly it was not directed at you, You had not provided any real commentit apart from joking it was a trap. It was directed at the one poster as you well know. Secondly I’m ever so sorry to hear about your wife and I really do feel for you and her. I genuinely hope she’s better now 

In addition I’ve not blown a gasket I’ve just reacted to one posters comments. Thirdly it was not my suggestion as I confirmed I was just looking for guidance and possible advice in this situation, it does feel like I’m in a unique situation because it’s impossible really to talk to anybody about it unless anonymously regarding the situation I find myself in the last two years. 
 

It has taken me five weeks of starting a comment on this thread deleting it and going back to it

I think the short answer is that the vast majority of people think getting your fill elsewhere is an extremely bad idea for a number of reasons.

 

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8 hours ago, Follyfoot said:

To any one who has not lived with their partner through a severe menopausal reaction  I suggest they try living through it first rather than making idiotic ill informed judgements. They do not call it the change without good reason

 

14 minutes ago, Follyfoot said:

It was directed at the one poster as you well know. 

In addition I’ve not blown a gasket I’ve just reacted to one posters comments

See up there, it really wasn't directed at one poster

 

16 minutes ago, Follyfoot said:

Secondly I’m ever so sorry to hear about your wife and I really do feel for you and her. I genuinely hope she’s better now 

I really wasn't looking for sympathy

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12 hours ago, Follyfoot said:

 

It was said in jest, hence the sigh comment in brackets next to it. You have pretty much nailed it but one important fact it was her suggestion. 
 

To any one who has not lived with their partner through a severe menopausal reaction  I suggest they try living through it first rather than making idiotic ill informed judgements. They do not call it the change without good reason

Has she been put on HRT?

My wife has been on HRT since a hysterectomy many years ago and let's just say the only reason we don't have "any" is because she's knackered after spending 10 hours in a school full of noisy **** kids ;)

 

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38 minutes ago, MCU said:

Apologies for hijacking and bringing the discussion down a peg or two but how long into meeting your partner did they tell you they loved you (or vice versa) ? 🤔 Asking for a friend.

Couple of weeks - ish.

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1 hour ago, MCU said:

Apologies for hijacking and bringing the discussion down a peg or two but how long into meeting your partner did they tell you they loved you (or vice versa) ? 🤔 Asking for a friend.

Don't you have to say this to get the green light most times?

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1 hour ago, MCU said:

Apologies for hijacking and bringing the discussion down a peg or two but how long into meeting your partner did they tell you they loved you (or vice versa) ? 🤔 Asking for a friend.

If it was the Spanish waitress serving me my full English this morning, then about an hour! 😍

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5 minutes ago, Xela said:

If it was the Spanish waitress serving me my full English this morning, then about an hour! 😍

Now that does sound interesting. Tell me more... 

Spoiler

How many rashers? Sausages as well? Runny eggs or hard? Tomatoes? Black pudding? Hash browns or toast? 

 

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1 minute ago, Rds1983 said:

Now that does sound interesting. Tell me more... 

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How many rashers? Sausages as well? Runny eggs or hard? Tomatoes? Black pudding? Hash browns or toast? 

 

Two deliciously succulent.... sausages! :D 

Crispy bacon (my fave), hash browns, toast, egg (not too runny but not hard), mushrooms, fresh tomato and beans.... served in a pot, naturally. 

Fresh OJ and a cappuccino. 

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